Blah....

Wow, I feel for anyone just discovering my blog!! How depressing!! Sorry anonymous person...you just happen to catch me on a really really bad day. It will be better, trust me!!! I am manic as all heck, so at least I keep it interesting!!!

Here, enjoy these:

Will someone PLEASE stop this ride????

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO needing to vent....

I have spent my life allowing men to use me as a doormat, whether it was emotional or physical, I did it. Hey, you wanna wipe your dirty smelly grungy feet on my nice white self?? GO RIGHT AHEAD!!!! Hey, it isn't like I am WORTHY of anything better, right??? It's not like I have aspirations, self esteem, or any silly thing like THAT! OF COURSE NOT!!! I spent the better half of my childhood vying for my father's attention, even though he was WAY too self absorbed to notice and/or care. Here's to you , Pop!!!

The story so far...........

Every relationship I have had with a man has ended in drunken tradegy and some sort of screaming match involving repressed memories, spewed hatred, and crying headaches. I seek out these pathetic losers that have more baggage than SFO and then try to "fix" them...hey, Heather, here's a new flash........You're screwed up too!!! FIX YOU FIRST!!! Stop trying to save the world!!!!

So here I am out in Massachusetts, thinking I can deal with all this stuff. M has just about driven me to the brink. Once again I have laid out the red carpet for self esteem bashing. If only there was an Olympic sport....hmmm.......

They say you cant reason soberly with an alcoholic, and that's very very true. The same goes for unstable unreasonable people. You just cant make them see sense. I have pleaded and begged M to leave me be, as this whole convoluted mess of a "relationship" has become nothing more than my one way ticket to Danvers (if it still existed). This isn't something he can change...it's who he is. I could wait my whole life and nothing would ever change. Only the names and details would change, but the laundry list of problems would remain.

I am tired of saving the day. I am tired of men period. And of people, to be quite honest. I am tired of being hurt, lied to, backstabbed, used, abused, manipulated, stepped on, needed, wanted, loved, hated, kicked, picked up, kicked again, and pummelled.

I have never felt more alone in my whole life...and thats exactly what I want. What bliss that my phone would never ring, my doorbell disconnected, my mailed stopped, my world minimized to the size of a postage stamp.

Let me go live out in the middle of nowhere with about 10 acres and electric fence to keep the people out. Just me, my garden, my cats, my goats, my chickens, and my Bible.

But Heather, aren't Christians supposed to preach the Word? Aren't you guys supposed to tell others???

Yup.

No one is listening. Everyone is too busy sippnig their Venti lattes watching reality TV and having unprotected sex on top of their Playstation. Why bother.

My pictures

These photos are a few i selected from my photos folder...there are many more, but here are a few to start off....


This photo I took on my very first trip to Newburyport, MA 2003


This is ME last summer 2005 at Plum Island, MA


MY BABIES!!!! (left to right) Noodles, Gabby.


Merrimack River at sunrise...Lawrence, MA 2006


Me in 2003

Black is such a dark color...

You know...I decided to start this blog and kept trying to find things about me that were "different" or "interesting"...How random can I be, I thought. I based just about everything in my profile on how OTHER people would see it. OMGOSH....that completely goes against the point of just about everything that I strive to be...HELLO!!!! Yes, I chose black for my first blog because I am in a black mood. I forgot how liberating it was to keep a journal...i started my first one in 1983. I remember....it was a little My Melody notebook I got at Donna's Hallmark at Westlake Mall in Daly City, CA where I grew up. I am sure the entries were quite innate and juvenile as I was only 10. I remember writing EVERY DAY after school. It was in pencil. I grew up with this girl named Tara that lived down the street from me.....I remember now...she hated me, she made fun of me, called me names (I was fat then, as I am now) and I remember her trying to be my best friends best friend. It was all competitive-like. I was so angry one day, I wrote in my journal (and this is an exact quote mind you, in caps, in pencil ) "TARA IS A NURD!!" Ha...I didn't even know how to speel "nerd" at the time" and I definitely didn't swear, although swearing was quite the norm in my house. Funny the things we remember from our youth.

My computer is making sickening "whrrrr"-ing sounds. Draft saved! Hoorah!

My blog will unfold over time....revealing what I want to reveal, keeping secret what needs to be kept secret, for the sake of my sanity and the reputations of certain people unnamed here. I used to write in my sleep, can you believe that??? I did...I would wake up in the middle of the night and scribble things down, and upon awakening, look at this silly illegible piece of paper with something like, "Peanut butter flip flop jam --- bus route temper tantrum" scratched into it with a pen barely full of ink.

There is so much I want to say...but it has to come on its own. I am not out to impress anyone. I am only blogging for my own therapy. This is a completely selfish project. I have no choice. Do you?