Will someone PLEASE stop this ride????

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO needing to vent....

I have spent my life allowing men to use me as a doormat, whether it was emotional or physical, I did it. Hey, you wanna wipe your dirty smelly grungy feet on my nice white self?? GO RIGHT AHEAD!!!! Hey, it isn't like I am WORTHY of anything better, right??? It's not like I have aspirations, self esteem, or any silly thing like THAT! OF COURSE NOT!!! I spent the better half of my childhood vying for my father's attention, even though he was WAY too self absorbed to notice and/or care. Here's to you , Pop!!!

The story so far...........

Every relationship I have had with a man has ended in drunken tradegy and some sort of screaming match involving repressed memories, spewed hatred, and crying headaches. I seek out these pathetic losers that have more baggage than SFO and then try to "fix" them...hey, Heather, here's a new flash........You're screwed up too!!! FIX YOU FIRST!!! Stop trying to save the world!!!!

So here I am out in Massachusetts, thinking I can deal with all this stuff. M has just about driven me to the brink. Once again I have laid out the red carpet for self esteem bashing. If only there was an Olympic sport....hmmm.......

They say you cant reason soberly with an alcoholic, and that's very very true. The same goes for unstable unreasonable people. You just cant make them see sense. I have pleaded and begged M to leave me be, as this whole convoluted mess of a "relationship" has become nothing more than my one way ticket to Danvers (if it still existed). This isn't something he can change...it's who he is. I could wait my whole life and nothing would ever change. Only the names and details would change, but the laundry list of problems would remain.

I am tired of saving the day. I am tired of men period. And of people, to be quite honest. I am tired of being hurt, lied to, backstabbed, used, abused, manipulated, stepped on, needed, wanted, loved, hated, kicked, picked up, kicked again, and pummelled.

I have never felt more alone in my whole life...and thats exactly what I want. What bliss that my phone would never ring, my doorbell disconnected, my mailed stopped, my world minimized to the size of a postage stamp.

Let me go live out in the middle of nowhere with about 10 acres and electric fence to keep the people out. Just me, my garden, my cats, my goats, my chickens, and my Bible.

But Heather, aren't Christians supposed to preach the Word? Aren't you guys supposed to tell others???

Yup.

No one is listening. Everyone is too busy sippnig their Venti lattes watching reality TV and having unprotected sex on top of their Playstation. Why bother.