Empty Hours

Sometimes we feel as if we are within running distance of figuring it all out. I have felt on the brink of an epiphany for quite some time, yet it still eludes. I have had more than enough time to sit back and take in all that's happened in, say, the past 10 years, but I have avoided it like the plague. I don't think I can do it much longer. So many things around me are wonderful, but I have not allowed myself to truly grab into them. It's almost as if some unforseen force bears down and clouds my vision. I used to write - alot. I still have notebook upon notebook filled with random thoughts, poems, and the like. Now part of me feels brain dead.

My envirnoment as of right now is the most stable, loving, nurturing one I have probably ever had, and that includes childhood. So what's the deal? Why do I not allow myself to settle in and pursue things that fufill me. I should be elated, and in a way I am, but have allowed myself to become slothy and lazy. Almost as if I am not comfortable unless I am uncomfortable in one way or another...completely senseless.

Lately I keep telling myself I need a job to feel fufilled. I have not worked in three months. But truly, is that really what I need? To be honest, I think going back to work would only allow myself to avoid dealing with me more and more. It "takes up time" and that way I don't have to pursue anything I may fail at, thus avoiding any sort of risk or disappointment. I think that's really what's going on.

It is actually rather refreshing to not have a set schedule - why not enjoy it? Why won't I allow myself to sit back and enjoy life? Does it scare me? Why? I have become uber-obsessed with my physical appearance. After putting on a few extra pounds in a relatively short period of time, I have equated it with failure. Bad move. It's upsetting John, and upsetting me.

I am only writing this because my past experience tells me that in writing out problems, I work them out, to some degree. I would rather spend more time being happy than self degrading. **Why does Keith Olbermann look younger tonight???**

So, today John and I had a chat. He's concerned, and rather annoyed, at my constant self beating. I had truly thought that I had improved myself regarding perspective and self i mage, but I guess it hasn't come across that way. I don't want a perfectly good relationship thrown to the dogs because of my inability to love myself. I need to get out more. He has enriched my life more than anyone I have ever known, in a real, genuine way. I never thought someone would come along that was so well suited for me. I have waited all this time for him, and I can't let my old song and dance of "Heather-ewww" ruin it.

So, the question is: am I happy? Overall, yes. I have always wallowed in despair, so this change of lifestyle is rather foreign to me. But that's no excuse for being in fear of it. I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. So, why not let myself be loved, and breathe a badly needed sigh of relief? Okay.