Silent Scream

When I was 16, I had my first real job as a cashier at a pizza place in the San Francisco Centre at Fifth and Market. My very first paycheck I received fromn that job went to some clothes, a trip to Taco Bell and a CD...Slayer "South of Heaven". There was a lot of anger back then. That album seemed to speak volumes to me. The louder and faster it was, the more justified I felt. My mom had just left my dad, and I was left with an angry father and a clueless sister at home. I used to hide in my downstairs bedroom wishing someone or something would just come and take me away.

Darkness always appealed to me. I am not sure if it was the taboo of it, or the fact it seemed to meld with how I was feeling. I had been abandoned and did not understand why. I surrounded myself with negativity, mainly because it was familiar to me.

I remember it scared the shit out of my mom. She had come down to my bedroom not too long befopre she walked out, and seen all the posters all over my walls...Metallica, Guns N Roses, Slayer, etc. She almost had a heart attack. Her good Catholic school girl daughter mixing up in such evil things. She confronted my dad about it when he got home from work....taking him into my room and saying to him, "We are losing our little girl!!!" According to my mom, my dad just laughed at her.

That was probably right about when she had had enough of my dad. 19 years and thousands of tears and arguments later, she finally decided she'd had enough.

My mom left right about Thanksgiving, November 22, 1989 to be exact. I recall the conversation I overheard between her and my dad the day she walked away. I had even taped it.

Mom: "You remember a long time ago I told you that if you kept chipping away at what little love I have left for you that one day I would wake up and it would all be gone?"

Dad: "Yeah."

Mom: "Well, it's finally happened. I do not love you anymore."

I don't really remember the rest, but that part sticks out in my memory the most.

toons and booze

ok, family guy is on. i have vodka. life is good. talk to each other - love each other and never forget why you exist.

Got Blogging?

I was told today by a friend that I have NOT been blogging. I AM SOOOO SORRY, life called and I had to answer, although I wish now I had let the voice mail pick up.

i am nothing without a muse

i am an empty notebook....a naked canvas....a blank CD...a book without pages...a country without order...a king with no power...a garden with no life...a family without a home...a kitten without his toy....a master without a slave...a failure without an excuse...a drunk without an alley to shit in...a child without hope...a mother without love....

mmmmmm numb numb numb numb...did you say something? ahhh, i see, but you must understand, I am deaf. Hello.

raw anger in rare form

fucking shit. i refuse to use caps. i am going to type completely in lower case!! ha!! that will send a message to the man, right? lol....vodka is great, especially when someone else buys it for you!

he never understood me, nor did he really try. it was too much for him. i see that. he needs simple people with simple minds. this world i could never penetrate. i have standards, it is obvious that he does not. that is why this is soo fucked.

i dont recall ever getting shit faced in front of gary. ahhh, a first time for everything.

family guy marathon tonight. cant be missed.

is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about this fucking bullshit? i am. can we move on puleeeze?

nope, sorry, heather, not until april 15th
when he goes.

i am making him a special batch of homemade cookies. because i care. stay tuned.

Chinese??? CHINESE????

This is my meal this evening....fucking Chinese food. Gary orders fucking Chinese food. Gary IS Chinese food. And pizza. and a computer. And IMVU. Oh, gee, Gary, not like we haven't had Chinese a billion times...I mean, heaven forbid we try something new!! Oh, yeah, I forgot, that would only happen if I SUGGESTED IT! You see, my dear, you have no active brain waves besides those directly associated with sex, sleeping, or eating. Wow....what a charmer, eh? Wow, I seriously need to know where I lost my way. Sure, he is a NICE guy, but seriously!!! SERIOUSLY!!! HEATHER!!!!! Since when did you get beaten into submission...would you mind remind me please? I mean, so he was your so called Master OH PULEEZE!! He cant even master doing dishes , let alone OTHER PEOPLE. Ok, well, maybe other ppl that have a collective IQ of, umm, -34!!!! All these fucking trailer trash chicks...300 lbs and fucking sitting on their fat asses feeling sorry for themselves and unable to function without GARY telling them when to shit and when to fart. Oh, Master, please help me feel better about myself!! Oh, I know you have a girlfriend. But, i NEED YOU. She wont mind. She needs to stops clinging to you anyway. Why should you put any energy into a real relationship?? All you need are us girls...your slaves....we make you feel like a real man, as if you are really in control finally. You don't need her telling you what to do. You are our Master. Just fuck her and keep her quiet. Then come be with us. WE MATTER - SHE DOESNT. She will only try to change you, make you too real.

SOMEWHERE along the last 9 months with gary, I LOST MYSELF!!!!! I never would have tolerated someone so devoid of any sort of opinion or intelligence!!! NO TASTE WHATSOEVER!!!! COMPUTER LOVE??? OH MY GOD HELLO!!!!!!

Ahhh, so THATS what that noise was....my DESPERATION ALERT. LOL, I thought it was my alarm clock.

You know, Eminem is quite appropriate when you're pissed off. Seriously, he is sooo angry....it is nice to not be alone. No fluffy love bunnies here lol.

LOL listening to Eminem...too funny. I am 35 and still wandering around like a fool. Maybe if I stopped hanging around LOSERS I would feel better.

Ever heard the song "Superman"? Wow - total anger and animosity towards women. But, if you reverse it, I totally feel the same way about guys right now.


total anger. i can relate.

Proverbial Glass Door

I am so tired. So drained of any sort of emotion or feeling. I cannot hold myhead up for much longer, as I feel it is about to roll off my shoulders and into the river. Once again, my insides are aflame, and I find it difficult to even muster a friendly hello. The reservoir of tears never seems to dry up. I doubt that I will ever understand human nature. Who are these insane, complex, psychic vampires that feed on my essence? When the hell did I sign up for this never ending merry go round? Merry? More like "Despair go round".

My senses are keen, but always too late.

Dolores Colene Stockham 1939-2007

Every year on my birthday, my mom would call me and sing happy birthday. If I close my eyes and try really hard, I can still hear her voice singing to me...even as a baby when she'd sing "My Special Angel" her words always soothed me.

Dear Mom:
Sure wasn't the same this year to not have my phone ring. I have been doing pretty good considering. My life is getting back on track, and I know that when a door closes, a new one opens.

Thank you for all the hugs, and coffee chats, and constant support no matter how stupid my actions. Thank you for the cookies, and the Blair orders, and the slippers, and Santa goodies ever year. Thank you for listening to me no matter how upset (or drunk) I was. Thank you for never losing faith in your Pooh. Thank you for every loaf of zucchini bread. Thank you for those cookbooks you spent 4 months putting together just for me. Thank you for listening to my piano playing over the phone and NOT cringing. Thank you for all the movie recommendations. Thank you for all the music. Thank you for sharing the funiest commercials on tv with me. Thank you for all the Twilight Zone marathons. Thank you for all the good times at Western Village. Thank you for hanging in there as long as you could.

Thank you for giving me so much love and I look forward to endless Downy hugs. Thank you for laughing at my jokes. Thank you for laughing at my Rod Serling impressions.

Thank you for always knowing what I needed and when I needed it. Thank you for sharing in my joys and achievements. Thank you for giving me a solid private school education. Thank you for never giving up on me.

Thank you mom for bring in me into this world on April 3, 1973. I love you.

Love Always,
The Pooh

Finally Acceptance....

...and with that a slew of new found confidence and a general contentment. Gary's choice of companionship is NOT a reflection on me, rather a sign that he is unable to relate to me. He needs constant banter to crowd his psyche so that he doesn't have the time to sit and actually think about real things. Trust me, I know. For years, I used alcohol as that crutch. Gary uses the internet. Its basically all the same. Except I chose real life over the imaginary world. I chose to face my fears instead of cower to them. He doesn't see any of this, but it is not surprising. Gary never really knew me. And quite honestly, I never knew him until we broke up. Sigh.

Journal Entry #4

Tues 11/27:

Good morning.

I am having a hard time with trust. I truly think there is more than me, but perhaps you just don't want to hurt anyone. I would hope that when you moved up here that is was a sign of commitment to me. But I can't ignore my nagging gut feelings. Most girls don't call a guy at 1am and I find you still hide so much from me. Forgive me but when I went to plug in my phone, yours had a message on the screen that said, "You make me sad". Who? Why? Can you see why I wonder?

Are you trying to just pacify everyone - including me? I don't understand all these girls and your relationships with them. I fear alot of them do have feelings for you. What are you doing - please explain all of it to me. Most girls don't have a boyfriend with tons of girl "friends". I don't like it - it makes me wonder. Can you see why?

My hands are shaking as I write this because I feel you feel obligated to me. Everything is hidden from me. I don't know when you are being honest and when you are not. This is why I can't sleep. You are up all night talking to who knows who - and I can't help but feel you just don't want to hurt me. Butit is hurting every day.

I know there is more going on than you are telling me. This is why I don't trust you. Theother day the cats jumped up ontoyour computer. I noticed that your computer is password protected. Wow. I guess don't trust me either. I would never go near your computer, don't you see, because I know whateverI would find in there would most certainly break my heart. This reminds me of two years ago, but now I am the one hurting inside.

I have to know where I really place in your priority list and I need to know exactly what's going on. If my gut instincts were quiet, I would not be writing all of this. Something needs to give - so Gary, please, I need to knowpoint blank what the hell are you really doing?

Every day I fel like this - Stacey seemed rather upset she couldn't talk to you. I am just tired of being pacified by you. Please don't destroy us. I am trying so hard to not do anything to hurt you - and I am really not feeling as though it matters as much to you as it does to me.

I think what goes on with your IMVU "family" is also alot more than you let on - yet another reason I don't trust you. You tell me nothing, therefore by keeping me so far removed I assume you are hiding it all from me.

I believe that IMVU, your pets, slaves, and whores are your number one priority. I come second. WE come second. I wish all this love I have for you were enough.
-Heather

Journal Entry #3

11/26:

I know hun, pleasing me has never been an easy task. I am who I am, and at times it even annoys me. Ha ha ha. I am trying to learn how to share my burdens - no one has ever really been willing to help me carry them.

I am also trying to learn how to share you. I ti shard bc we don't see each other hardly, and then at night I feel the computer takes priority over me, and that is not true I am sure. I knowyou need you time - as do I. The reason it's hard for me is because I come home and am alone all night - I really miss you - then itright to the computer. I am not saying I am justified in my difficulty, just telling you the feeling it gives me. Things are different when two people live day to day together. I am learning that. I am also still working on the trust and fear issues - as I am sure you are too. Only time will strenthen the trust, and extinguish the fear. I so love you - and know you do too. Thank you for wanting to spend your life with me. I really am so happy - under all the pain love. I love you.

3:12 am

Good morning one and all....Peppermint Trolley Company is the soundtrack today. I had some really bad Chinese food last night, and now I pay for it.

I have actually been awake for about an hour; lying in bed attempting to fall back asleep, but to no avail. I can't deny that so many thoughts race through my head every single night, just now I am starting to not give in to them. They are what they are, right?

Yesterday was my monthly follow up with my nurse practioner regarding my medication. I have lost 13 lbs since the last visit and have actually made quite an improvement all around even CONSIDERING my current state of affairs. She was most impressed! We decided to increase the dosage of Zoloft and Trazodone, doubled actaully. Looks like we just might be onto something. I have a feeling that I am really on my way - in more ways than one. I have another follow up appointment for May 1st.

Funny how out of the worst situations come the best people. Through all this I have finally, after 34 years found myself, and discover more and more every day.

Journal Entry #2

11/25/07:

I had a nice long talk with myself today (sort of lol). I am stronger than all this crap, I know it.

Thank you for thinking of me. That made my night.

~~Heather~~

HIS ONE AND ONLY RESPONSE (mispellings and all):

11/25

I am glad I could make your night love it has been hard to do lately with work and all. Give me some time and I will get back into the swing of things. Are first full paycheck is comeing so we can find a day to relax and celebrate. Remember, love it is not all your bills now. Let me do my part.

Love You oxoxoxox

Journal Entry #1

DISCLAIMER:
The following journal entries were written throughout the course of my relationship with Gary from November of last year until January. I had, at the suggestion of a friend, decided to start a journal in hopes of getting him to open up and talk to me. It never happened. Watch as we slowly spiral downwards.

11/24/07:

First of all, I think this is a very good idea. Sometimes I want so badly to get a point across, and I can't do it; verbally anyway. I know you are not a big fan of writing, but it means so much to me that you are willing to do this with me.

This book is ours. Whatever we feel the need to say to each other love, use this book as much as we can. Please don't let me be the only one that writes in it. I want us to learn to communicate better. I think this is a great start.

So here it is. For us to use, and learn from. I love you and hope to spend all my days with you love.

Remember, write as you need to; happy or sad, good or bad. Let's get the most out of our life together.

Your love, Heather

24 hrs and counting....

...since I have slept, and it is starting to take over. I just wanted to post a quick hello to all those who graced my pages today...thanks for visiting and dont be strangers ok?

To my best friend, John. Without you, buddy, I wouldn't make it. Thanks a million. Again.

And to Emitt Rhodes. You have been my soundtrack lately - you make everything better.

Good night.

6:28 am

Well, I really thought he was going to make it to the 12 hour mark. But I guess not. Captain Wonderful has just laid down on the couch. Earlier he said something about me working today. Hmm, maybe if you paid more attention to me you'd know that I have today off.

But none of it really matters anymore. Yet I am hell bent on beating the shit out of this rigor mortis-ridden horsey. Giddy-YAP!!!!!

I thought for a minute there in the kitchen that we might start getting it on, but I was wrong. He just wanted a cookie. Then he made a comment about me turning into a cup of coffee...well, hun, if that's your logic, shouldn't YOU be a HARD DRIVE by now???? HA!

Wow, I had no idea how REAL internet addiction is. I kept thinking maybe I was being too dramatic about his online time, but when I read about addiction being "11 hours or more a WEEK" I laughed!! He spends 11 hours a DAY. It's sick. But he doesn't want any help. He believes he is just fine. Maybe in his fantasy cyber world, he truly is.

Mother Lode

As I scratch the surface of this internet addiction thing, articles are coming out of the woodwork. Check out this self diagnosis quiz from the Ontario Lawyers Assistance Program located at:

http://www.olap.ca/internet-addiction.html

Are You Caught in the Net?

How can you tell if you are already hooked? Perhaps you spend a little too much time online. Does that automatically mean you are addicted? No. The volume of time alone is not the best way to diagnose the disorder. We can't say, for instance, that ten hours per week is okay, but that the eleventh hour is a sign of an addiction. Instead, you must evaluate your online usage against the following set of behaviors that characterize the basic warning signs of Internet addiction:

Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet; i.e., do you think about previous online activity or anticipate your next online session?

Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?

Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?

Do you repeatedly stay online longer than originally intended?

Have you neglected sleep, proper diet, or exercise just to surf?

Have you experienced eyestrain, back strain, or carpal tunnel syndrome because of your Internet use?

Have you jeopardized a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?

Have you lied to others to conceal the extent of your involvement with the Internet?

Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?

Answering "yes" to five or more of the questions suggests that addiction is present.

One more....

Also from the same blog:

Monday, January 21, 2008
Is Internet addiction real? Your Opinion

I enclosed an article published in 2000 entitled, "Is Internet Addiction Real?" Some of the point is that it shows where we as a mental health field were at that point in time. We were asking the question as this concept was so new and still evolving. Today, we do have more research, more findings, and more clinical treatment settings devoted to Internet addiction recovery. I thought it would be interesting to ask the same question today to see what online users thought.

One of the true signs of addiction is that a person experiences negative consequences as a result of something, whatever it may be - alcohol, drugs, or sex. With alcohol and drugs, a few common consequences are DUIs, jail time, and the loss of a job and/or relationship. A natural consequence for sex addicts is catching STDs. What are the consequences of Internet addiction?

In August 2005, a 28-year-old South Korean man died – not by committing suicide, but after playing the game Starcraft at an Internet café for 50 hours straight. By all reports, the man had not slept properly and had eaten very little in that time. While no autopsy was performed, he was believed to have died from heart failure stemming from exhaustion. A 13-year-old Chinese boy died falling from a building. His parents are suing Blizzard Entertainment, makers of World of Warcraft. The boy was allegedly re-enacting a scene from the game. In the Nevada, a couple ignored their two toddlers to the point of neglect due to their gaming addiction.

The children of Michael and Iana Straw, a boy age 22 months and a girl age 11 months, were severely malnourished and near death last month when doctors saw them after social workers took them to a hospital, authorities said. Both children are doing well and gaining weight in foster care.

Police said hospital staff had to shave the head of the girl because her hair was matted with cat urine. The 10-pound girl also had a mouth infection, dry skin and severe dehydration. Her brother had to be treated for starvation and a genital infection. His lack of muscle development caused him difficulty in walking, investigators said. The prosecutor said, “They had food; they just chose not to give it to their kids because they were too busy playing video games.”

Attorneys said the Reno couple was too distracted by online video games, mainly the fantasy role-playing “Dungeons & Dragons” series, to give their children proper care.

Studies from China, Germany, Italy, Iran, Pakistan, and India have also documented cases of Internet addiction. Given the dramatic effects reported and studies on the consequences of compulsive use of the Internet, the question is "Do you think Internet addiction should be given the same status as other addictions?"

Doppleganger

Ok, tell me this doesnt sounds frighteningly familiar???

This post comes from the blog belonging to the Center of Internet Addiction Recovery

Enjoy...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Impact on marriage

I received an emaiil today made me want to share this. Repeatedly, studies find that Internet use has a negative impact on marriages. In my first study on Internet addiction, over 50% of respondents said that they suffered marital problems because of their Internet use. It is how I first got involved with this study, as a friend of mine's husband became addicted to chat rooms, which led to their divorce.

In the email, Maggie has been married for 3 years and they do not have children. She writes, "We are both 28 and I thought we had a strong, open and honest relationship; other than the normal marital issues. He started playing World of Warcraft and finds playing this game takes his mind off his concerns, but it has become a problem, he plays all the time. Everything we had together seems to be slipping away."

"I mentioned to my husband that I didn't want to be replaced by a cybergame, and I think that is finally penetrating. After I mentioned that I felt intimacy between us was difficult (to put it mildly) with a computer in the way, he seemed to realize that I was seriously feeling pushed aside. For the past few weeks he hasn't been spending as much time on it. Now I hope this continues, but it is early to tell! I don't want his GRUDGING attention, so I guess I will have to be patient and persistent. I know our relationship IS first for him, so I think he will fight this "addiction." I will suggest we play together - in real time, not online! I do have a backgammon board somewhere (now why didn't I think of that myself...)"

Even if online relationships aren't sexual or involve cybersex, they can still lead to marital problems. Just the basic neglect of the marriage can impede intimacy and trust for a couple. Maggie feels confused yet hopeful that she can regain his attention in a meaningful way.

I really feel for this woman. I know how she feels, but in my case, the computer won.

San Francisco

San Francisco is my hometown. I was born on Geary Street, at French Hospital, known as Kaiser Permanente today.

I believe Geary Street is the second longest street in the city. If memory serves me right, Mission Street is by far the longest street.

I used to have a friend that lived in the city whom I would pal around with. Her name was Victoria Countryman. I always thought she had one of the coolest names I had ever heard. Sounds like a model, or an author.

Anyway, Vic and I used to run around Geary. I remember one time in particular when we went to Bella Pizza to pick up a large cheese pizza and headed to Ocean Beach.

We were bound and determined to enjoy pizza at the beach. Unfortunately, the wind was extremely unforgiving.

I so vividly recall her bringing Jet (her black dog) out on shore, along with blankets and such. We sat down to eat, and the wind kicked up something fierce. Sand flew across the pie and we ended up with gritty, sand covered pizza. We were so pissed. We had been looking forward to that pizza for so long.

We also used to shop at Trader Joes together. That was always a hoot. Usually went to the Geary/Masonic one, although one time we did go to the one south of Market. I recall that one as well: We were barely there 5 minutes when over in the produce dept we see this massively pregnant woman wearing nothing but a half shirt and tight cargo pants. Across her rapidly expanding belly was this huge tattoo of a sun. It was as if to say, "Hey, look at me world!!! I am pregnant! I have NO MODESTY whatsoever!!!" She and I took one look at that, and bailed.

We would drive two hours to the Target in Novato, CA just to shop with white people. Horrible, I know. But SO worth the effort! Then it was off to IHOP for a grilled chicken sammich and a ton of Lewis Black jokes.

She and I loved stand up comedy. We had such similar comedic/musical interests. She had a keen sense of style and bought me my very first simple black dress from Eddie Bauer. She believed EVERY woman should have one. And it should be replaced every year.

One thing we NEVER saw eye to eye on was shoes. For her, high heels were like great sex, if not better. To me, barefoot was where it was at. But regardless, we were the best of friends for quite a number of years.

She was also my speed buddy. We used to sit up for days, doing that shit and playing mah jong. She also knew how to make a mean cheese omelette.

Well. Victoria and I don't speak anymore. We just never quite saw things the same way after the whole Mark thing. That whole "out of control spazz" thing. I am pretty sure she can still be found kicking around the Pillbugs message board, in fact, I bet my life on it.

I can thank Vic for introducing me to Mark. Thanks Polly Substance. That was sarcasm, in case you were wondering.

Check out the pic in this blog...its San Francisco in Jell-O.