Journal Entry #4

Tues 11/27:

Good morning.

I am having a hard time with trust. I truly think there is more than me, but perhaps you just don't want to hurt anyone. I would hope that when you moved up here that is was a sign of commitment to me. But I can't ignore my nagging gut feelings. Most girls don't call a guy at 1am and I find you still hide so much from me. Forgive me but when I went to plug in my phone, yours had a message on the screen that said, "You make me sad". Who? Why? Can you see why I wonder?

Are you trying to just pacify everyone - including me? I don't understand all these girls and your relationships with them. I fear alot of them do have feelings for you. What are you doing - please explain all of it to me. Most girls don't have a boyfriend with tons of girl "friends". I don't like it - it makes me wonder. Can you see why?

My hands are shaking as I write this because I feel you feel obligated to me. Everything is hidden from me. I don't know when you are being honest and when you are not. This is why I can't sleep. You are up all night talking to who knows who - and I can't help but feel you just don't want to hurt me. Butit is hurting every day.

I know there is more going on than you are telling me. This is why I don't trust you. Theother day the cats jumped up ontoyour computer. I noticed that your computer is password protected. Wow. I guess don't trust me either. I would never go near your computer, don't you see, because I know whateverI would find in there would most certainly break my heart. This reminds me of two years ago, but now I am the one hurting inside.

I have to know where I really place in your priority list and I need to know exactly what's going on. If my gut instincts were quiet, I would not be writing all of this. Something needs to give - so Gary, please, I need to knowpoint blank what the hell are you really doing?

Every day I fel like this - Stacey seemed rather upset she couldn't talk to you. I am just tired of being pacified by you. Please don't destroy us. I am trying so hard to not do anything to hurt you - and I am really not feeling as though it matters as much to you as it does to me.

I think what goes on with your IMVU "family" is also alot more than you let on - yet another reason I don't trust you. You tell me nothing, therefore by keeping me so far removed I assume you are hiding it all from me.

I believe that IMVU, your pets, slaves, and whores are your number one priority. I come second. WE come second. I wish all this love I have for you were enough.
-Heather