I summon you....

...to come forth out of the darkness....into the warm light of sunshine and calm waters....I summon you to shed your rags and past daggers and bask in the glory of love, peace, and harmony....I summon you as you forget your troubles, dry your eyes and step foot into a new world...I summon you to be free to learn, free to love, and free to breathe...I summon you to look at this as the spark that set the earth on fire...I summon you to believe in the restoration of all that speaks to you as you drop your burden and never look back....I summon you here through the fields of grace and beauty with your head to sky and your back to the darkness....

Comedy in the face of tragedy

Questing. Mapquesting that is. It's a long drive from Birmingham Alabama to North Andover Massachusetts.

Luckily, there are many Motel 6 locations along the way, all at fairly competitive prices.

I learned from personal experience that the ONLY place to stay while on the road is a Motel 6.

EconoLodge - just don't. I mean....don't. Especially in Wyoming.

Super 8 - my God. Don't, especially in Groton, Connecticut.

Update

Well, I had a few extra moments this morning and I thought I would hop in here and give the lowdown....

It's been one week today since Gary headed out to California. So far his luck has reached a brick wall, and things have already started to crumble. Let's hope he gets his act together and things go his way for once.

I have been terribly sick these past few days and yesterday I finally had a good day - only to have my troubles return this morning as I got up for work. I think it may finally be time for a visit to the doctor.

There is so much happening so fast and I am doing my best to keep up. I am feeling rather confident everything will smooth out eventually.

I am beginning to realize that the best thing for me at this moment is an all out detox - but I am reluctant to do so as the comfort of coffee and junk food seem to be numbing my pain.

I am in such a strange place right now. Not sure if its contentment or panic. A bizarre fence I am sitting on.

Finally, GOOD NEWS!

This morning I got up for the first time in PEACE in a long long time and stumbled over to the computer that I had left on after falling alseep watching andlaughing to "I'm Alan Partridge" that Derek lent me....

...and what do i find??

My BFF in Utah Jenny sent me grreat news of her sisters BABY!!! 7lbs 6 oz. His name is Parker...and you cant NOT love this little guy!!

Congrats Aunt Jenny!

a few parting words...

April 15, 2008

Dear Gary,

I am pretty sure you are nowhere near as torn apart as I am at this moment as I sit here and write this to you. Right now, as you read this, you should be on your way to a new life in California...and for this I am eternally happy. We are both at a point of decision and direction in life, and I know that no matter what happens, we will both be ok.

Honey, I cannot find the words to say just how much you have meant to me over the years. I don't know what it was about you, but you took me to a place inside of me that I never knew existed, where peace truly reigned and the world could not touch me or harm me.

As beautiful as this was, it was herein that lay the problem. I could not hide from the world forever. I could not seek refuge behind your embrace for if I did, I would never truly become the person I need to be, as I am sure you realized far before I did.

Not only that, but I also found myself compromising so much of who I truly am. Things that were regarded highly became an afterthought. Please understand, I am not blaming or accusing, just letting you know how I view things from this point. Perspective is a wonderous thing - it helps us heal.

You are an amazing person. You have a heart that you wear constantly on your sleeve which can be both a blessing as well as a curse. Your gentle nature becomes you. You will make the right woman very happy someday love.

Love, I only ever wanted you take care of you and make you happy, I know now that I am not the woman for that job. I know you do not realize how much your computer is your life, well maybe you do, and thats fine if it is what makes you happy, but I could not play second fiddle to it, and this is where I was so unhappy. I know we will never see eye to eye about this, it is what it is. I always hoped I was more important that everyone online, you know that.

Know also that I had no idea what I was going to say when I sat down to write this. I just wanted you to know all that I keep inside of me everyday.

For all the tears, I apologize, for they have a mind of their own and I have tried countless times to control them but to no avail.

Thank you for coming back when I needed you. Thank you for being there when Mom died. Thank you for all the outings, the movies, the sushi, and anime, and silly jokes, and the cross country trip, and runs to the store, and hugs, and flowers, and shoulders to cry on, and tissues handed to me, and passionate kisses, and wonderful love making, and loving caresses that made me realize that I wasn't as disposable and I had thought.

Ok, now with all that said, let me also express what I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for having to beg for your attention, of sit around waiting for you to pay attention to me. Wanting to spend time your boyfriend is not clingy, by the way. I am not thankful that you slowly began to feel threatened by me and the fact that you couldn't turn me off and on like your computer. I am not happy that your life on imvu was a big part of what destroyed what we had. It is not insane jealousy when every night you watch the person you love give all his time and energy to other women, no matter what the relationship. Know this: no woman in her right mind would tolerate what I tried to tolerate. I am not happy that you figured you would just move up here and resume life as usual, instead of trying to create a new one with me. I am not thankful that you never even tried to help me out around the house, as I was pretty much expected to just do everything - that showed me right there how much all of this didn't matter. I am not happy you made promises you couldn't keep. I am not thankful that you could not get your priorites in order enough to see just how much you have thrown away. I am sad that your computer rules you. It is YOUR Master, Master. If you could only see what I see, you would be as saddened as I am right now. I wish you had had enough respect for me to talk to me about moving to California without me having to hear it from someone in my department. I felt betrayed, and lied to. I tried so long to build trust, but your actions always made that impossible. I still don't believe that faithfulness existed on your end - not my definition of it anyway, but again, you are who you are and there is nothing I can say. I believe that you tried to not hurt anyone, and that probably involves alot of lying and diversion. You have no way of knowing just how much I love you. I have done all I could.

I still sit and wonder just why I love you so much. You have made it perfectly clear that you do not feel the same, but I don't know what I ever did to you to make you feel this way.

I could ramble on and on, but I won't...I have said most of it already.

As for me, I plan on going ahead with my garden, as planned. Yeah, I know all the seeds died, but I believe now I will finally be able to focus on them, as this chapter of my life is coming to a close. Gardening is all about perserverance. Nature is quite the wild card, so you must pursue things with drive and consistency. Alot like life.

I may relocate in the fall, and if I do I wll let you know. I do hope we remain in contact, and talk often. You know I am always here and willing to listen love.

Good luck in your new life. I hope you learn a few lessions, easy and hard. I pray you start taking better care of yourself and find the healthiest path to take. I hope you learn discernment in dealing with people that come in and out of your life. Be discerning in who you mingle with - not all people are worth your time.

I want so badly to teach you all you need to know in life, but alas, life is all about making mistakes and learning lessons. It hurts so bad - but it must be this way.

Gary, good luck love. Please remember: no one will ever love you the way I do. Goodbye Lancelot.

Love Always (and friends!!),
Heather Colene Stockham

journal update

i will soon be posting the remainder of the journal. the story must be told...and told well.

renewal

i am here alone on this tuesday morning. gary walked out my door for the last time. not really sure what or how i am supposed to feel at this moment. its rather bittersweet. i have no idea what will happen, but i will be alright regardless.

i must get ready for work. i keep moving. good luck lancelot.

Nice to a fault

I am the bad guy because I give a damn. I am the bitch because I care. I am sure just about everyone Gary knows thinks I am the anti-Christ because I tried to take care of him and nuture him. Stupid evil me.

unbelieveable

People think I am stupid. That couldn't be farther from the truth.

I see so much more than people give me credit for.

I know when I have been lied to. I know when someone is trying to cover things up.

I know when a phone call is sexual, especially when you respond with only "hmmms" and "mmms" afraid to say anything because then your gig will be up.

Don't toy with me anymore - let's just let it go. Get your shit and get out. Four more days...better start packing buddy!

Free At Last...

Okay. It's 6:00 am on April 10, 2008. As no one I know is up at this insane hour, I decided to come to my blog to share this amazing news.

This morning I got up around 4:30 and had my usual cup of coffee. I headed outside to sit in the car, as it is SO NICE out today.

I don't know what came over me. I did my usual driving around the lot of my building, teaching myself how to shift properly. But this morning, for some reason, it just didn't seem like enough.

So.....

I drove up to the entrance of Sutton Street, and turned left. And drove. Drove up Sutton to Rt 125 and down aways towards North Andover High. I turned into a little side street and drove around a bit more. Came back out on 125 and headed back home.

I drove. Out on the road. Alone. Me. Driving. COMPLETELY free of panic or fear.

It was purely exhilirating, to say the least.

I did it. I shifted when I needed to no problem. Sure, the car died on me a few times, but I didn't panic. I just kept trying until I finally got it right.

I smell freedom in the air. And it smells great.

Silent Scream

When I was 16, I had my first real job as a cashier at a pizza place in the San Francisco Centre at Fifth and Market. My very first paycheck I received fromn that job went to some clothes, a trip to Taco Bell and a CD...Slayer "South of Heaven". There was a lot of anger back then. That album seemed to speak volumes to me. The louder and faster it was, the more justified I felt. My mom had just left my dad, and I was left with an angry father and a clueless sister at home. I used to hide in my downstairs bedroom wishing someone or something would just come and take me away.

Darkness always appealed to me. I am not sure if it was the taboo of it, or the fact it seemed to meld with how I was feeling. I had been abandoned and did not understand why. I surrounded myself with negativity, mainly because it was familiar to me.

I remember it scared the shit out of my mom. She had come down to my bedroom not too long befopre she walked out, and seen all the posters all over my walls...Metallica, Guns N Roses, Slayer, etc. She almost had a heart attack. Her good Catholic school girl daughter mixing up in such evil things. She confronted my dad about it when he got home from work....taking him into my room and saying to him, "We are losing our little girl!!!" According to my mom, my dad just laughed at her.

That was probably right about when she had had enough of my dad. 19 years and thousands of tears and arguments later, she finally decided she'd had enough.

My mom left right about Thanksgiving, November 22, 1989 to be exact. I recall the conversation I overheard between her and my dad the day she walked away. I had even taped it.

Mom: "You remember a long time ago I told you that if you kept chipping away at what little love I have left for you that one day I would wake up and it would all be gone?"

Dad: "Yeah."

Mom: "Well, it's finally happened. I do not love you anymore."

I don't really remember the rest, but that part sticks out in my memory the most.

toons and booze

ok, family guy is on. i have vodka. life is good. talk to each other - love each other and never forget why you exist.

Got Blogging?

I was told today by a friend that I have NOT been blogging. I AM SOOOO SORRY, life called and I had to answer, although I wish now I had let the voice mail pick up.

i am nothing without a muse

i am an empty notebook....a naked canvas....a blank CD...a book without pages...a country without order...a king with no power...a garden with no life...a family without a home...a kitten without his toy....a master without a slave...a failure without an excuse...a drunk without an alley to shit in...a child without hope...a mother without love....

mmmmmm numb numb numb numb...did you say something? ahhh, i see, but you must understand, I am deaf. Hello.

raw anger in rare form

fucking shit. i refuse to use caps. i am going to type completely in lower case!! ha!! that will send a message to the man, right? lol....vodka is great, especially when someone else buys it for you!

he never understood me, nor did he really try. it was too much for him. i see that. he needs simple people with simple minds. this world i could never penetrate. i have standards, it is obvious that he does not. that is why this is soo fucked.

i dont recall ever getting shit faced in front of gary. ahhh, a first time for everything.

family guy marathon tonight. cant be missed.

is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about this fucking bullshit? i am. can we move on puleeeze?

nope, sorry, heather, not until april 15th
when he goes.

i am making him a special batch of homemade cookies. because i care. stay tuned.

Chinese??? CHINESE????

This is my meal this evening....fucking Chinese food. Gary orders fucking Chinese food. Gary IS Chinese food. And pizza. and a computer. And IMVU. Oh, gee, Gary, not like we haven't had Chinese a billion times...I mean, heaven forbid we try something new!! Oh, yeah, I forgot, that would only happen if I SUGGESTED IT! You see, my dear, you have no active brain waves besides those directly associated with sex, sleeping, or eating. Wow....what a charmer, eh? Wow, I seriously need to know where I lost my way. Sure, he is a NICE guy, but seriously!!! SERIOUSLY!!! HEATHER!!!!! Since when did you get beaten into submission...would you mind remind me please? I mean, so he was your so called Master OH PULEEZE!! He cant even master doing dishes , let alone OTHER PEOPLE. Ok, well, maybe other ppl that have a collective IQ of, umm, -34!!!! All these fucking trailer trash chicks...300 lbs and fucking sitting on their fat asses feeling sorry for themselves and unable to function without GARY telling them when to shit and when to fart. Oh, Master, please help me feel better about myself!! Oh, I know you have a girlfriend. But, i NEED YOU. She wont mind. She needs to stops clinging to you anyway. Why should you put any energy into a real relationship?? All you need are us girls...your slaves....we make you feel like a real man, as if you are really in control finally. You don't need her telling you what to do. You are our Master. Just fuck her and keep her quiet. Then come be with us. WE MATTER - SHE DOESNT. She will only try to change you, make you too real.

SOMEWHERE along the last 9 months with gary, I LOST MYSELF!!!!! I never would have tolerated someone so devoid of any sort of opinion or intelligence!!! NO TASTE WHATSOEVER!!!! COMPUTER LOVE??? OH MY GOD HELLO!!!!!!

Ahhh, so THATS what that noise was....my DESPERATION ALERT. LOL, I thought it was my alarm clock.

You know, Eminem is quite appropriate when you're pissed off. Seriously, he is sooo angry....it is nice to not be alone. No fluffy love bunnies here lol.

LOL listening to Eminem...too funny. I am 35 and still wandering around like a fool. Maybe if I stopped hanging around LOSERS I would feel better.

Ever heard the song "Superman"? Wow - total anger and animosity towards women. But, if you reverse it, I totally feel the same way about guys right now.


total anger. i can relate.

Proverbial Glass Door

I am so tired. So drained of any sort of emotion or feeling. I cannot hold myhead up for much longer, as I feel it is about to roll off my shoulders and into the river. Once again, my insides are aflame, and I find it difficult to even muster a friendly hello. The reservoir of tears never seems to dry up. I doubt that I will ever understand human nature. Who are these insane, complex, psychic vampires that feed on my essence? When the hell did I sign up for this never ending merry go round? Merry? More like "Despair go round".

My senses are keen, but always too late.

Dolores Colene Stockham 1939-2007

Every year on my birthday, my mom would call me and sing happy birthday. If I close my eyes and try really hard, I can still hear her voice singing to me...even as a baby when she'd sing "My Special Angel" her words always soothed me.

Dear Mom:
Sure wasn't the same this year to not have my phone ring. I have been doing pretty good considering. My life is getting back on track, and I know that when a door closes, a new one opens.

Thank you for all the hugs, and coffee chats, and constant support no matter how stupid my actions. Thank you for the cookies, and the Blair orders, and the slippers, and Santa goodies ever year. Thank you for listening to me no matter how upset (or drunk) I was. Thank you for never losing faith in your Pooh. Thank you for every loaf of zucchini bread. Thank you for those cookbooks you spent 4 months putting together just for me. Thank you for listening to my piano playing over the phone and NOT cringing. Thank you for all the movie recommendations. Thank you for all the music. Thank you for sharing the funiest commercials on tv with me. Thank you for all the Twilight Zone marathons. Thank you for all the good times at Western Village. Thank you for hanging in there as long as you could.

Thank you for giving me so much love and I look forward to endless Downy hugs. Thank you for laughing at my jokes. Thank you for laughing at my Rod Serling impressions.

Thank you for always knowing what I needed and when I needed it. Thank you for sharing in my joys and achievements. Thank you for giving me a solid private school education. Thank you for never giving up on me.

Thank you mom for bring in me into this world on April 3, 1973. I love you.

Love Always,
The Pooh

Finally Acceptance....

...and with that a slew of new found confidence and a general contentment. Gary's choice of companionship is NOT a reflection on me, rather a sign that he is unable to relate to me. He needs constant banter to crowd his psyche so that he doesn't have the time to sit and actually think about real things. Trust me, I know. For years, I used alcohol as that crutch. Gary uses the internet. Its basically all the same. Except I chose real life over the imaginary world. I chose to face my fears instead of cower to them. He doesn't see any of this, but it is not surprising. Gary never really knew me. And quite honestly, I never knew him until we broke up. Sigh.

Journal Entry #4

Tues 11/27:

Good morning.

I am having a hard time with trust. I truly think there is more than me, but perhaps you just don't want to hurt anyone. I would hope that when you moved up here that is was a sign of commitment to me. But I can't ignore my nagging gut feelings. Most girls don't call a guy at 1am and I find you still hide so much from me. Forgive me but when I went to plug in my phone, yours had a message on the screen that said, "You make me sad". Who? Why? Can you see why I wonder?

Are you trying to just pacify everyone - including me? I don't understand all these girls and your relationships with them. I fear alot of them do have feelings for you. What are you doing - please explain all of it to me. Most girls don't have a boyfriend with tons of girl "friends". I don't like it - it makes me wonder. Can you see why?

My hands are shaking as I write this because I feel you feel obligated to me. Everything is hidden from me. I don't know when you are being honest and when you are not. This is why I can't sleep. You are up all night talking to who knows who - and I can't help but feel you just don't want to hurt me. Butit is hurting every day.

I know there is more going on than you are telling me. This is why I don't trust you. Theother day the cats jumped up ontoyour computer. I noticed that your computer is password protected. Wow. I guess don't trust me either. I would never go near your computer, don't you see, because I know whateverI would find in there would most certainly break my heart. This reminds me of two years ago, but now I am the one hurting inside.

I have to know where I really place in your priority list and I need to know exactly what's going on. If my gut instincts were quiet, I would not be writing all of this. Something needs to give - so Gary, please, I need to knowpoint blank what the hell are you really doing?

Every day I fel like this - Stacey seemed rather upset she couldn't talk to you. I am just tired of being pacified by you. Please don't destroy us. I am trying so hard to not do anything to hurt you - and I am really not feeling as though it matters as much to you as it does to me.

I think what goes on with your IMVU "family" is also alot more than you let on - yet another reason I don't trust you. You tell me nothing, therefore by keeping me so far removed I assume you are hiding it all from me.

I believe that IMVU, your pets, slaves, and whores are your number one priority. I come second. WE come second. I wish all this love I have for you were enough.
-Heather

Journal Entry #3

11/26:

I know hun, pleasing me has never been an easy task. I am who I am, and at times it even annoys me. Ha ha ha. I am trying to learn how to share my burdens - no one has ever really been willing to help me carry them.

I am also trying to learn how to share you. I ti shard bc we don't see each other hardly, and then at night I feel the computer takes priority over me, and that is not true I am sure. I knowyou need you time - as do I. The reason it's hard for me is because I come home and am alone all night - I really miss you - then itright to the computer. I am not saying I am justified in my difficulty, just telling you the feeling it gives me. Things are different when two people live day to day together. I am learning that. I am also still working on the trust and fear issues - as I am sure you are too. Only time will strenthen the trust, and extinguish the fear. I so love you - and know you do too. Thank you for wanting to spend your life with me. I really am so happy - under all the pain love. I love you.

3:12 am

Good morning one and all....Peppermint Trolley Company is the soundtrack today. I had some really bad Chinese food last night, and now I pay for it.

I have actually been awake for about an hour; lying in bed attempting to fall back asleep, but to no avail. I can't deny that so many thoughts race through my head every single night, just now I am starting to not give in to them. They are what they are, right?

Yesterday was my monthly follow up with my nurse practioner regarding my medication. I have lost 13 lbs since the last visit and have actually made quite an improvement all around even CONSIDERING my current state of affairs. She was most impressed! We decided to increase the dosage of Zoloft and Trazodone, doubled actaully. Looks like we just might be onto something. I have a feeling that I am really on my way - in more ways than one. I have another follow up appointment for May 1st.

Funny how out of the worst situations come the best people. Through all this I have finally, after 34 years found myself, and discover more and more every day.

Journal Entry #2

11/25/07:

I had a nice long talk with myself today (sort of lol). I am stronger than all this crap, I know it.

Thank you for thinking of me. That made my night.

~~Heather~~

HIS ONE AND ONLY RESPONSE (mispellings and all):

11/25

I am glad I could make your night love it has been hard to do lately with work and all. Give me some time and I will get back into the swing of things. Are first full paycheck is comeing so we can find a day to relax and celebrate. Remember, love it is not all your bills now. Let me do my part.

Love You oxoxoxox

Journal Entry #1

DISCLAIMER:
The following journal entries were written throughout the course of my relationship with Gary from November of last year until January. I had, at the suggestion of a friend, decided to start a journal in hopes of getting him to open up and talk to me. It never happened. Watch as we slowly spiral downwards.

11/24/07:

First of all, I think this is a very good idea. Sometimes I want so badly to get a point across, and I can't do it; verbally anyway. I know you are not a big fan of writing, but it means so much to me that you are willing to do this with me.

This book is ours. Whatever we feel the need to say to each other love, use this book as much as we can. Please don't let me be the only one that writes in it. I want us to learn to communicate better. I think this is a great start.

So here it is. For us to use, and learn from. I love you and hope to spend all my days with you love.

Remember, write as you need to; happy or sad, good or bad. Let's get the most out of our life together.

Your love, Heather