a few parting words...

April 15, 2008

Dear Gary,

I am pretty sure you are nowhere near as torn apart as I am at this moment as I sit here and write this to you. Right now, as you read this, you should be on your way to a new life in California...and for this I am eternally happy. We are both at a point of decision and direction in life, and I know that no matter what happens, we will both be ok.

Honey, I cannot find the words to say just how much you have meant to me over the years. I don't know what it was about you, but you took me to a place inside of me that I never knew existed, where peace truly reigned and the world could not touch me or harm me.

As beautiful as this was, it was herein that lay the problem. I could not hide from the world forever. I could not seek refuge behind your embrace for if I did, I would never truly become the person I need to be, as I am sure you realized far before I did.

Not only that, but I also found myself compromising so much of who I truly am. Things that were regarded highly became an afterthought. Please understand, I am not blaming or accusing, just letting you know how I view things from this point. Perspective is a wonderous thing - it helps us heal.

You are an amazing person. You have a heart that you wear constantly on your sleeve which can be both a blessing as well as a curse. Your gentle nature becomes you. You will make the right woman very happy someday love.

Love, I only ever wanted you take care of you and make you happy, I know now that I am not the woman for that job. I know you do not realize how much your computer is your life, well maybe you do, and thats fine if it is what makes you happy, but I could not play second fiddle to it, and this is where I was so unhappy. I know we will never see eye to eye about this, it is what it is. I always hoped I was more important that everyone online, you know that.

Know also that I had no idea what I was going to say when I sat down to write this. I just wanted you to know all that I keep inside of me everyday.

For all the tears, I apologize, for they have a mind of their own and I have tried countless times to control them but to no avail.

Thank you for coming back when I needed you. Thank you for being there when Mom died. Thank you for all the outings, the movies, the sushi, and anime, and silly jokes, and the cross country trip, and runs to the store, and hugs, and flowers, and shoulders to cry on, and tissues handed to me, and passionate kisses, and wonderful love making, and loving caresses that made me realize that I wasn't as disposable and I had thought.

Ok, now with all that said, let me also express what I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for having to beg for your attention, of sit around waiting for you to pay attention to me. Wanting to spend time your boyfriend is not clingy, by the way. I am not thankful that you slowly began to feel threatened by me and the fact that you couldn't turn me off and on like your computer. I am not happy that your life on imvu was a big part of what destroyed what we had. It is not insane jealousy when every night you watch the person you love give all his time and energy to other women, no matter what the relationship. Know this: no woman in her right mind would tolerate what I tried to tolerate. I am not happy that you figured you would just move up here and resume life as usual, instead of trying to create a new one with me. I am not thankful that you never even tried to help me out around the house, as I was pretty much expected to just do everything - that showed me right there how much all of this didn't matter. I am not happy you made promises you couldn't keep. I am not thankful that you could not get your priorites in order enough to see just how much you have thrown away. I am sad that your computer rules you. It is YOUR Master, Master. If you could only see what I see, you would be as saddened as I am right now. I wish you had had enough respect for me to talk to me about moving to California without me having to hear it from someone in my department. I felt betrayed, and lied to. I tried so long to build trust, but your actions always made that impossible. I still don't believe that faithfulness existed on your end - not my definition of it anyway, but again, you are who you are and there is nothing I can say. I believe that you tried to not hurt anyone, and that probably involves alot of lying and diversion. You have no way of knowing just how much I love you. I have done all I could.

I still sit and wonder just why I love you so much. You have made it perfectly clear that you do not feel the same, but I don't know what I ever did to you to make you feel this way.

I could ramble on and on, but I won't...I have said most of it already.

As for me, I plan on going ahead with my garden, as planned. Yeah, I know all the seeds died, but I believe now I will finally be able to focus on them, as this chapter of my life is coming to a close. Gardening is all about perserverance. Nature is quite the wild card, so you must pursue things with drive and consistency. Alot like life.

I may relocate in the fall, and if I do I wll let you know. I do hope we remain in contact, and talk often. You know I am always here and willing to listen love.

Good luck in your new life. I hope you learn a few lessions, easy and hard. I pray you start taking better care of yourself and find the healthiest path to take. I hope you learn discernment in dealing with people that come in and out of your life. Be discerning in who you mingle with - not all people are worth your time.

I want so badly to teach you all you need to know in life, but alas, life is all about making mistakes and learning lessons. It hurts so bad - but it must be this way.

Gary, good luck love. Please remember: no one will ever love you the way I do. Goodbye Lancelot.

Love Always (and friends!!),
Heather Colene Stockham