Battle of wills

I sit cross-legged in my desk chair writing this blog. I think he is about ready to crash. Just a hunch. I look back on tonights blogs and wonder why I keeping typing. Probably because I don't know what else to do. I am blogging out of panic I think.

Ugh my birthday is Thursday. Let's see if Wonder Boy remembers. I do not plan on leaving any hints. Honestly, I would rather he just let it go. The breakup was the only gift I needed.

Shit - pill time. 5:30 am is pill time. Why can't I get that through my head?

Yes, I did dip into coffee pot #2. I am gonna make sure I am up when he crashes. I want him to realize how he has kept me up. What? You couldn't sleep? Did my typing and masturbating wake you up at 1:30 in the morning? Oops. Oh yeah, didn't you ask me to refrain from anything sexual online while you were home? Umm, yeah, about that, umm, does when you are asleep count?? It does? Oh, sorry, I just can't help whacking it while I sit on my IMVU throne (yes he has a THRONE LOL) and order my slaves to worship me. Sorry I am all fucked up Heather.

The relationship journal is getting blogged. Today.

Rick Chick

Ha. 28 years I have been in love with Rick Springfield. Little does he know how many trials and tribulations he has seen me through. Right now "Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet" is calming my waters.

Last years concert in Times Square at the Nokia Theatre was so awesome. We had such a great time. I will never forget that trip. Massive martinis and Rick in the flesh.

The first copy of this album I received as a Christmas present from my grandmother. She had sent me this album and Working Class Dog from Arizona. Pretty cool.

I have had the pleasure of seeing Rick live four times in my life. Once in San Francisco in 1993, in Beverly MA in 2004, Hampton Beach, NH in 2005 (thanks Mom!!) and most recently in New York City in 2007.

Man - I sure wish he'd go to bed. Holy crap - he has been glued to that computer since 7:30 last night. It's 5:00 am right now. Tell me that is normal. He does. INSANITY!

You know, the funny part is I took two trazadones last night, and slept for the usual3-4 hours. Then, after waking up to "that" I downed two Calms Forte. Nothing. I laid there about 20 minutes before giving up and heading to my coffee pot.

I have dropped almost 20 lbs in the past few months. Between the Zoloft and the stress of breaking up with Gary, I had devised the perfect diet plan!!!

How can two peoples realities and lives be SOOOOOOO different? Here we sit, right now, right here, a mere 6 ft from each other. Not a word passes between us. I blog - he does whatever he does. All I know is - the Gary online is NOT the same Gary in real life. Are two Garys better than one? Ummmm, no.

Yes world, I am STILL rehashing this in my mind. The infamous pro/con list. It is the only way I stay remotely sane right now.

He is unhealthy, unintelligent, and vacant. A friend of mine came to see me at work today and told me that when she met him back in November, the impression she got from him was complete lack of emotion and personality. I also added that he almost seems to have no soul.

But somewhere down this road I SAW something in him that made me fall into his arms. But what? Hard to concentrate with "Don't Talk To Strangers" blaring into my left ear.

If he is still up in two hours, he will hit the 12 hour mark. WHY DO I FUCKING CARE? What is my obsession? No clear headed thinking is possble until he leaves, so please take all I say with a grain of salt at this point.

Never argue with a drunk

And God forbid try to reason with an idiot.

Never try to show the sunset to a blind man.

Don't waste your time - ever.

Never give up the chance to sit and watch an old film.

Keep track of time - it teaches us something every day.

I am wondering if this window of hell thinks it will get the best of me. I doubt it - I have God and a ton of friends on my side.

I reign victorious, and with minimal brain damage.

Sabbatical

Soooooooooooo I have three days off. Three glorious days off. Hmmmm.

The Grass Roots - Bella Linda. :D

"...if I could take away the pain that your eyes reveal..."

At the moment I am listening to my favorite Frantics bit called "You Were Speeding". Absolutely brilliant.


You Were Speeding!

Source: "You Were Speeding" by the Frantics © 1984 CBC radio from the album Frantic Times off the Dr Demento's 30th Anniversary Collection: Dementia 2000
http://flatrock.org.nz/topics/humour/stop_stopping_to_think.htm

Cop: "Excuse me sir, would you mind getting out of your train of thought?"

Guy: "Huh? What?"

Cop: "Where's the big idea sir?"

Guy: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I don't understand, I was thinking."

Cop: "Yeah, your mind was wandering all over the place. May I see your degree please?"

Guy: "Sure, here."

Cop: "Take it out of the frame."

Guy: "Sorry. It's a community college learner's permit."

Cop: "You need a BA to drive this idea home!"

Guy: "Oh, I... I must have been lateral thinking, and not realised it."

Cop: "Uh huh."

Guy: "See, I had to think fast to get around that mental block back there, and I didn't notice the limits."

Cop: "This degree has expired! I ought to throw the encyclopedia at you."

Guy: "Why? Is this a controlled thought zone?"

Cop: "Yes, it is, sir. See the sign?"

Guy: "School...
"I guess I was letting my thoughts wander all over the avenue of consideration."

Cop: "Uh huh, you almost collided with established dogma back at those presumptions."

Guy: "I wasn't thinking straight!"

Cop: "I see. Have you been drinking, sir?"

Guy: "A couple of beers, but I'm not illogical!"

Cop: "Well, I should stop your thought process right now, but I'm going to give you a ticket for quick thinking."

Guy: "That's three points off my IQ!!!"

Cop: "And the fine is a penny for your thoughts."

Guy: "I'll get back into the flow of normal thought, officer."

Cop: "Uh huh, you go straight to your inevitable conclusion: it's foregone, you can't miss it."

Guy: "Yes."

Cop: "You understand?"

Guy: "Yes. Thank you very much officer."

Cop: "Okay, off with you...
"Kids! Too damn smart for their own good!"

Impatience, insane girl, impatience...

You know, this is like waiting for a delayed flight. I have a destination, and I am all packed and ready to go, but instead...I am made to wait. And wait. And wait.

But, see here, I am ALL READY to go!! Look, I have a carry on and EVERYTHING!!! I dont want to have to spend $4.00 on a bottle of water!! I just want to get where I am going!!

Ok, fine. My flight is delayed three weeks you say? Fine.

What shall I do in the meantime? Any ideas? Thoughts? Coupons? Drinks? Free travel pillows? Pretzels? Self esteem packets? W. H. Smith you say?? Awesome...thanks alot.

Do you know how many airports I have been through? 17 to be exact. That's alot of baggage claims and taxi rides.

Ahhh, another classic Heather rambling post. Don't you just love it?

Should I put another pot of coffee on? its 4am now. Been up for about 2 1/2 hours. He should be heading to bed within the next couple of hours. Yay...even evil darkness has to sleep SOMETIMES.

Click, clickety, clickety, clickety, click. Type hun, type. Tell your slaves how precious they are to you. Tell these sad, lonely, lost, overweight, unattractive, mislead girls how you gave up a real life relationship for them. Tell them how you don't know the difference between lust and love. Tell them that their Master doesnt know how to balance a checkbook, or close a kitchen cupboard door for that matter.

Master needs a haircut. Master doesn't know who the Beatles are. Master can't pick up after himself. Master is prone to fits of depression and thinks he has it all figured out. Click, click, clickety click. Master can't spell. Master has a hard time concentrating on more than one thing at a time. Master has an emtremely short attention span when dealing with things of a non-sexual nature. Master likes Kool Aid and homemade cookies. Master can only drink 2% milk. Master tends to snore rather loudly. Master talks alot about things he knows nothing about. Master is a failure at just about everything he attempts. Master took true love and flushed it down the IMVU dungeon toilet. Master is alot of talk, and no action.

Master Metal Blade cannot see the dungeon for the slaves. Clever.

Coffee pot #2 in process...please wait.

Two hours and one pot of coffee later

3:24am. Here I sit, doing everything in my power to not be affected by this ridiculous situation. Talk about an elephant in the room.

Not a fan of being uncomfortable in my own home. I have no idea how the hell we plan on making it to April 20th. I hope its sooner. Much sooner.

Ahhh, Captain Wonderful just hit the 8 hr imvu mark. Way to go guy! I am impressed. And that's without food or a bathroom break. Nice. Maybe someday you will be able to give that sort of attention to a REAL PERSON. Not bloody likely.

I know my sarcasm and cynicism is peeking through all this crap, and I don't care. It is how I have always dealt with things.

Ok, what's up with the groaning over there?? Should I step outside for 5 minutes so you can blow your load?? Hmmm.....nahhh. I don't feel like moving.

That's right, readjust your seat over there pretty boy. It must be awfully annoying to wanna let loose, but can't. Do you hate me yet?

Funny, for a guy that claims to be a Master, he sure doesn't exhibit a whole lot of control over this particular situation. It's rather humorous.

Yay....three days off, and my period coming on with a vengance. Happy happy birthday, happy birthday cramps!

I think I need some E. Rhodes. Now.

Somebody made for me.....GOD PLEASE!!!!!

This song gives me warm fuzzies and INSTANT SMILE. It obliterates the darkness that surrounds my lovely ex - partner. He will never achieve this level of INSTANT SMILE.

Sunshine in a Box.

Chord progression on "Ask and you'll receive"......Can I marry you?

1:27 am

That is when I awoke out of a sound sleep and glanced over at Captain Wonderful and his Slut Brigade. He exudes some sort of constant snnoyance vibe that grinds my gears, because I am soooo tired of expending MY energy on him.

I used to lay awake at night wondering who the hell he was talking to all night, and why. Nowadays it all seems trite and too low brow for my standards.

I think as I got up at 1:45 am I exstinguished whatever hot and heavy fire he had lit with whomever he was talking to that prompted him to be touching himself in rather inappropriate places. Hence the reason I sat up in bed with such a start. I hate my intuition....loathe it even at times. I had specifically asked him to refrain from any sort of activity like that while I am home, asleep or not. Maybe a frying pan to the head would help it sink in better....

So, the other day while I was having that AWFUL Bertuccis meal, I considered the possibility of blogging that journal I had attempted to use with him. I think the story will tell itself.

Playing God

Ok, so as spring was fast approaching, I knew it was time to dig my grow light out of the closet and my seeds out of the freezer. Early last week I set up shop and started my annual ritual of seed starting.

Not too long ago I purchased a few packets from Rocky's Ace Hardware (you remember - where all those friends of mine work) and put them to the test.

Much to my surprise, these damned things germinated in less than 24 hours.

I was stymied, to say the least.

More tomorrow....

Federal Reserve Bank Blues

In 1967 emerged a great sound from the West Michigan area. The sound was psychedelic, and the name of the band bringing you that sound was the Fredric.

"Phases and Faces" arrived yesterday, tossed over the front door of my building amongst various other parcels scattered down the stairs.

No song could have been more fitting for the afternoon ahead then "Federal Reserve Bank Blues". I wonder if those guys REALLY knew what that was all about.

The country is whithered and tired. It crawls up to that desert oasis of hope and prays that it is NOT merely a mirage, but a sign; a sign that change is in the air, and prosperity may once again touch our parched, blistered lips.

We need not be afraid of what's to come, as long as we remember that we too must have the ability to stand tall, head held high, and push our way through this current hell we all seem to be residing in.

Another night

DISCLAIMER-I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THIS POST...

...and with a start I wake up as his cell phone declares, "Hey!!! Check out my funky island beat!! How's that for a wake up call?" 3:30am, and his phone is ringing. Ehhh, does it matter anymore? No, not in the way that it once did. Now, instead of jealousy/hurt, it is just annoying/rude. What a charmer!

So, I had the worst meal at Bertuccis last night. I was seated at a table (ummm, no thanks) in the middle of a dining room full of families...I felt like I was the live entertainment judging by the position of my seat in proximity to everyone else. And to Mary, my waitress...a few tips: 1) Its really OK to allow someone to finishing chewing their food before rushing up and asking about the status of the meal. 2)No, I don't need you checking up on me every 5 minutes...don't worry, you will get your tip. 3) Hey, next time, try a little friendly conversation, and please refrain from "tossing" my food in front of me as if I am some cagged animal at the zoo. Hmmm, about that tip.... I mean, sure, she was nice enough, but I just didn't feel like she truly gave a damn, and not out of anger, but out of sheer ignorance, as if her brain did not know how to process that emotion.

You know, a waiter/waitress can make or break a meal. I had no idea. Service IS everything.

He plays a mean horn...

I owe my dentist 5.60. I am sure I have a filling worth a few bucks.

My cat has an affinity for ANYTHING left on the kitchen counter.

My other cat drools excessively.

I almost bought a new robe today, but decided the one I have now is just fine.

I am second in the Whole Foods North Atlantic region for sandwich sales. Nice.

How many people do you know that become apathetic and vapid??

What are those shooting pains on my head?

In nature, there is a cure for EVERY ailment.

The first blades of green grass are emerging through the ice and snow.

Why did Adult Swim take my anime away? Fiends....

Why do fewer and fewer people speak English?

I know a guy that has a friend that is a blind Wiccan missionary in South Africa. True story.

When will they start releasing "NOT So Greatest Hits" albums?

Alex Jones "Endgame". Check it out.

Today's soundtrack is "A Gift From a Flower to a Garden" - Donovan....and the Essential Miles Davis.

There are so many people I wish I could show the truth to. They choose not to see.

My primrose is dying ALREADY.

There is a GREAT joke about "blank Inside" cards by Brian Regan. "...I am sorry you are feeling so...blank inside." LOL

Birthday greetings and a coupon

So, yesterday after running around outside trying to clear my head for the umpteenth time, I sauntered over to the mailbox in the lobby to pick up my mail. As I walked into my apt, I tossed the mail onto my desk, amidst the rapidly growing pile of unopened letters, bills, and cards from home.

This morning I actually got up on time - so I sat down to have that badly needed first cup of coffee. I decided to rummage through my mail. I saw I had received my first birthday card. yay.

It's from the local Ace hardware store. "...Happy Birthday Heather Stockham and/or current resident. Please enjoy this coupon worth $5.00 off your next purchase of $20 or more from your 'friends' at Rocky's Ace hardware...."

Wow. I am touched, let alone impressed. I didn't even know I had friends that worked at the hardware store. And they all got together and sent me a card?? Wow. thanks guys. Maybe we should all get together and talk about old times that we never had, or imaginary outings that never took place.

I know where I am going for the paint to redo my apt after my roommate leaves. THANKS ROCKY'S! You shouldn't have. Really.

And the beat goes on....

...or so says Sonny and Cher. The only beat going on right now is the beating of my head against the wall for not seeing this one coming.

I had all the warning signs. I had all the instructions. I HAD A MAP. I should have used it.

I have chalked this up as a learning experience. Albeit a very painful drawn out one.

Communication. Communication. Communication.

Painful...oh so painful

I do not know how much longer I can endure this torture here at home. He loved me once...and now every time I look at him I want to cry. It is all so confusing and I am talking in circles. Blah blah she says. Blah blah. I dont think this will ever get any better, but i know deep down that it will. I am not worried about the future persay - more just uncertain of whats to come, and I find that very frightening.

Such a tangled web we weave. It becomes quite complicated at times, we forget where it begins and where it ends. There is no clear way in or out. We just keep running in circles - getting dizzy and wondering why.

Today, I went to the park. I was miserable and ready to scream. I wandered over to a swing and sat down. I sat still for a moment and then slowly began to swing back and forth. The feeling of being young and free again overcame my senses, and in the unseasonably warm spring evening air I felt at peace and centered for the first time in a long time.

It did my heart good to just sit and feel peaceful.

Nope not today...

I don't feel much like writing today. I would much rather go lie under a tree in the park and dream happy dreams of warm summer garden parties and lazy nights involving marshmallows and Mad Libs. It would be a nice change from the current state of affairs I am involved in.

Wordless and Musicless

This morning I am at a loss for words. Yeah, insane, isn't it? No vivid nightmares last night. But confusion is still the order of the day.

I feel like a bird, who's circling and circling trying to decide just the right place to land. My emotions are rather hazy and undefined as of late. "I have never felt such a strange feeling of pity - and indigestion." -(Mr. Krabs)

This morning I am driving myself to work. I refuse to lay down and tolerate the fear that wants so badly to wash over me. I drove around the parking lot for quite a while yesterday alone, parking, backing up, shifting etc. I see now I do much better when alone. Ha - I just realized that is the first time I had driven alone! That's awesome.

Today's mood is scattered and calm, which a slight chance of peace of mind later on in the day.

My reality lines are not hazy though. I see things for what they really are. Even though at times I choose to ignore a lot of it; unfortunately my intuitiveness gets the better of me.

This is sure turning out to be a strange year. I would like to say I have a feeling I know whats gonna happen, but the truth is, I have no clue. It is like some highly anticipated mini-series....how will it end??? What's next?

Sad Cafe

There is something happening in the world at this moment - I can feel it.

A torrent of change and revelation sweeps through the trees. Nothing is unfamiliar, but everything is different. Old tunes sung by new voices, swirling down the vast canyon called revolution.

Humanity is slowly waking from its age long slumber.

Easter Morning

Just killing time before work. Just wondering about alot of things.

The most bizarre dream crept into my psyche last night and laid down next to me. In this dream, I was driving a very beat up old car....and in this dream I was determined to master it. Suddenly the dream shifts to me and and I riddled with fungus. Up my spine and down my scalp runs this line of mushrooms that are attached quite stubbornly and it really freaks me out. Gary is also covered in these shrooms, and I am disgusted by it. Then, somehow, I rid myself of the fungus, but Gary cannot. Pick THAT dream apart why don't ya????

Work calls....stay tuned.

Sleepy time

Somewhere throughout the course of the day, I attained some strange peace of mind. I think I am gonna run with it and lay down. I am in love. I am in hope. I am in control. I am going to bed.

Just have to laugh....

I compromised my dreams, and I wasn't even aware that I even HAD any until I saw the future picture and realized that it in no way matched up with my vision. I settled for what came my way because I had a hard time believing that any better would come along. I know I am supposed to be learning something here, and I just want to make sure I don't miss a beat, because I will be damned if I am going to go through this one more time!

This whole ugly scene has brought me to write, and write I have!! More now than ever, I finally let the monster out to play. Been locked up since I was 19 and knew I was a writer. I just decided that was the facts.

Then people entered my life that were not all that sober nor intelligent.

EMITT RHODES SOMEBODY MADE FOR ME HEAVY SIGH

Don't misunderstand - life is not all about relationships. You have to go out and live and shape the person you are in order to bring something to that relationship table once you find one. Finding out who you are is half the battle! Sometimes the road is dark and lonely, and sometimes you might wander off the path, and take what you think it a groovy detour, only to find it leads to a rocky ledge, or a hazardous cliff. When this happens, merely turn around and head back to the beginning. Back to that starting point.

So many times I have wanted to give up on love all together; to just turn my emotions off and lock my heart up in a glass box and bury it in chains. But to do that would be impossible. I have a need to love and be loved. Only now I realize that it has to be the right person.

You must have criteria. It is an absolute must. Settling will only bring major heartache in the end. Trust me.

We all come with our own set of baggage. No one is spared that inevitability.

I look over at the man that broke my heart. Beautiful but sad, loving but lost...he doesn't stand a chance at any sort of happiness. Just one disappointment after another. I can see it all so clearly now. Somewhere along the road he lost his way. Instead of heading back to the beginning, he pitched a tent and awaited rescue. I looked for you, love, but just couldn't find you. I searched my heart, and everywhere else, but you eluded me. Now he walks a tragic road full of disappointment and despair. He will never truly know who he is. I have nothing but pure love for this lost soul.

Lord, watch over this man. Keep him safe and protect his heart. I hand him back to you. Open his eyes to all thats right with the world, instead of everything thats wrong. Guide him in his travels, and bring him back to the beginning. Please.