24 hrs and counting....

...since I have slept, and it is starting to take over. I just wanted to post a quick hello to all those who graced my pages today...thanks for visiting and dont be strangers ok?

To my best friend, John. Without you, buddy, I wouldn't make it. Thanks a million. Again.

And to Emitt Rhodes. You have been my soundtrack lately - you make everything better.

Good night.

6:28 am

Well, I really thought he was going to make it to the 12 hour mark. But I guess not. Captain Wonderful has just laid down on the couch. Earlier he said something about me working today. Hmm, maybe if you paid more attention to me you'd know that I have today off.

But none of it really matters anymore. Yet I am hell bent on beating the shit out of this rigor mortis-ridden horsey. Giddy-YAP!!!!!

I thought for a minute there in the kitchen that we might start getting it on, but I was wrong. He just wanted a cookie. Then he made a comment about me turning into a cup of coffee...well, hun, if that's your logic, shouldn't YOU be a HARD DRIVE by now???? HA!

Wow, I had no idea how REAL internet addiction is. I kept thinking maybe I was being too dramatic about his online time, but when I read about addiction being "11 hours or more a WEEK" I laughed!! He spends 11 hours a DAY. It's sick. But he doesn't want any help. He believes he is just fine. Maybe in his fantasy cyber world, he truly is.

Mother Lode

As I scratch the surface of this internet addiction thing, articles are coming out of the woodwork. Check out this self diagnosis quiz from the Ontario Lawyers Assistance Program located at:

http://www.olap.ca/internet-addiction.html

Are You Caught in the Net?

How can you tell if you are already hooked? Perhaps you spend a little too much time online. Does that automatically mean you are addicted? No. The volume of time alone is not the best way to diagnose the disorder. We can't say, for instance, that ten hours per week is okay, but that the eleventh hour is a sign of an addiction. Instead, you must evaluate your online usage against the following set of behaviors that characterize the basic warning signs of Internet addiction:

Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet; i.e., do you think about previous online activity or anticipate your next online session?

Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?

Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?

Do you repeatedly stay online longer than originally intended?

Have you neglected sleep, proper diet, or exercise just to surf?

Have you experienced eyestrain, back strain, or carpal tunnel syndrome because of your Internet use?

Have you jeopardized a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?

Have you lied to others to conceal the extent of your involvement with the Internet?

Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?

Answering "yes" to five or more of the questions suggests that addiction is present.

One more....

Also from the same blog:

Monday, January 21, 2008
Is Internet addiction real? Your Opinion

I enclosed an article published in 2000 entitled, "Is Internet Addiction Real?" Some of the point is that it shows where we as a mental health field were at that point in time. We were asking the question as this concept was so new and still evolving. Today, we do have more research, more findings, and more clinical treatment settings devoted to Internet addiction recovery. I thought it would be interesting to ask the same question today to see what online users thought.

One of the true signs of addiction is that a person experiences negative consequences as a result of something, whatever it may be - alcohol, drugs, or sex. With alcohol and drugs, a few common consequences are DUIs, jail time, and the loss of a job and/or relationship. A natural consequence for sex addicts is catching STDs. What are the consequences of Internet addiction?

In August 2005, a 28-year-old South Korean man died – not by committing suicide, but after playing the game Starcraft at an Internet café for 50 hours straight. By all reports, the man had not slept properly and had eaten very little in that time. While no autopsy was performed, he was believed to have died from heart failure stemming from exhaustion. A 13-year-old Chinese boy died falling from a building. His parents are suing Blizzard Entertainment, makers of World of Warcraft. The boy was allegedly re-enacting a scene from the game. In the Nevada, a couple ignored their two toddlers to the point of neglect due to their gaming addiction.

The children of Michael and Iana Straw, a boy age 22 months and a girl age 11 months, were severely malnourished and near death last month when doctors saw them after social workers took them to a hospital, authorities said. Both children are doing well and gaining weight in foster care.

Police said hospital staff had to shave the head of the girl because her hair was matted with cat urine. The 10-pound girl also had a mouth infection, dry skin and severe dehydration. Her brother had to be treated for starvation and a genital infection. His lack of muscle development caused him difficulty in walking, investigators said. The prosecutor said, “They had food; they just chose not to give it to their kids because they were too busy playing video games.”

Attorneys said the Reno couple was too distracted by online video games, mainly the fantasy role-playing “Dungeons & Dragons” series, to give their children proper care.

Studies from China, Germany, Italy, Iran, Pakistan, and India have also documented cases of Internet addiction. Given the dramatic effects reported and studies on the consequences of compulsive use of the Internet, the question is "Do you think Internet addiction should be given the same status as other addictions?"

Doppleganger

Ok, tell me this doesnt sounds frighteningly familiar???

This post comes from the blog belonging to the Center of Internet Addiction Recovery

Enjoy...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Impact on marriage

I received an emaiil today made me want to share this. Repeatedly, studies find that Internet use has a negative impact on marriages. In my first study on Internet addiction, over 50% of respondents said that they suffered marital problems because of their Internet use. It is how I first got involved with this study, as a friend of mine's husband became addicted to chat rooms, which led to their divorce.

In the email, Maggie has been married for 3 years and they do not have children. She writes, "We are both 28 and I thought we had a strong, open and honest relationship; other than the normal marital issues. He started playing World of Warcraft and finds playing this game takes his mind off his concerns, but it has become a problem, he plays all the time. Everything we had together seems to be slipping away."

"I mentioned to my husband that I didn't want to be replaced by a cybergame, and I think that is finally penetrating. After I mentioned that I felt intimacy between us was difficult (to put it mildly) with a computer in the way, he seemed to realize that I was seriously feeling pushed aside. For the past few weeks he hasn't been spending as much time on it. Now I hope this continues, but it is early to tell! I don't want his GRUDGING attention, so I guess I will have to be patient and persistent. I know our relationship IS first for him, so I think he will fight this "addiction." I will suggest we play together - in real time, not online! I do have a backgammon board somewhere (now why didn't I think of that myself...)"

Even if online relationships aren't sexual or involve cybersex, they can still lead to marital problems. Just the basic neglect of the marriage can impede intimacy and trust for a couple. Maggie feels confused yet hopeful that she can regain his attention in a meaningful way.

I really feel for this woman. I know how she feels, but in my case, the computer won.

San Francisco

San Francisco is my hometown. I was born on Geary Street, at French Hospital, known as Kaiser Permanente today.

I believe Geary Street is the second longest street in the city. If memory serves me right, Mission Street is by far the longest street.

I used to have a friend that lived in the city whom I would pal around with. Her name was Victoria Countryman. I always thought she had one of the coolest names I had ever heard. Sounds like a model, or an author.

Anyway, Vic and I used to run around Geary. I remember one time in particular when we went to Bella Pizza to pick up a large cheese pizza and headed to Ocean Beach.

We were bound and determined to enjoy pizza at the beach. Unfortunately, the wind was extremely unforgiving.

I so vividly recall her bringing Jet (her black dog) out on shore, along with blankets and such. We sat down to eat, and the wind kicked up something fierce. Sand flew across the pie and we ended up with gritty, sand covered pizza. We were so pissed. We had been looking forward to that pizza for so long.

We also used to shop at Trader Joes together. That was always a hoot. Usually went to the Geary/Masonic one, although one time we did go to the one south of Market. I recall that one as well: We were barely there 5 minutes when over in the produce dept we see this massively pregnant woman wearing nothing but a half shirt and tight cargo pants. Across her rapidly expanding belly was this huge tattoo of a sun. It was as if to say, "Hey, look at me world!!! I am pregnant! I have NO MODESTY whatsoever!!!" She and I took one look at that, and bailed.

We would drive two hours to the Target in Novato, CA just to shop with white people. Horrible, I know. But SO worth the effort! Then it was off to IHOP for a grilled chicken sammich and a ton of Lewis Black jokes.

She and I loved stand up comedy. We had such similar comedic/musical interests. She had a keen sense of style and bought me my very first simple black dress from Eddie Bauer. She believed EVERY woman should have one. And it should be replaced every year.

One thing we NEVER saw eye to eye on was shoes. For her, high heels were like great sex, if not better. To me, barefoot was where it was at. But regardless, we were the best of friends for quite a number of years.

She was also my speed buddy. We used to sit up for days, doing that shit and playing mah jong. She also knew how to make a mean cheese omelette.

Well. Victoria and I don't speak anymore. We just never quite saw things the same way after the whole Mark thing. That whole "out of control spazz" thing. I am pretty sure she can still be found kicking around the Pillbugs message board, in fact, I bet my life on it.

I can thank Vic for introducing me to Mark. Thanks Polly Substance. That was sarcasm, in case you were wondering.

Check out the pic in this blog...its San Francisco in Jell-O.

Battle of wills

I sit cross-legged in my desk chair writing this blog. I think he is about ready to crash. Just a hunch. I look back on tonights blogs and wonder why I keeping typing. Probably because I don't know what else to do. I am blogging out of panic I think.

Ugh my birthday is Thursday. Let's see if Wonder Boy remembers. I do not plan on leaving any hints. Honestly, I would rather he just let it go. The breakup was the only gift I needed.

Shit - pill time. 5:30 am is pill time. Why can't I get that through my head?

Yes, I did dip into coffee pot #2. I am gonna make sure I am up when he crashes. I want him to realize how he has kept me up. What? You couldn't sleep? Did my typing and masturbating wake you up at 1:30 in the morning? Oops. Oh yeah, didn't you ask me to refrain from anything sexual online while you were home? Umm, yeah, about that, umm, does when you are asleep count?? It does? Oh, sorry, I just can't help whacking it while I sit on my IMVU throne (yes he has a THRONE LOL) and order my slaves to worship me. Sorry I am all fucked up Heather.

The relationship journal is getting blogged. Today.

Rick Chick

Ha. 28 years I have been in love with Rick Springfield. Little does he know how many trials and tribulations he has seen me through. Right now "Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet" is calming my waters.

Last years concert in Times Square at the Nokia Theatre was so awesome. We had such a great time. I will never forget that trip. Massive martinis and Rick in the flesh.

The first copy of this album I received as a Christmas present from my grandmother. She had sent me this album and Working Class Dog from Arizona. Pretty cool.

I have had the pleasure of seeing Rick live four times in my life. Once in San Francisco in 1993, in Beverly MA in 2004, Hampton Beach, NH in 2005 (thanks Mom!!) and most recently in New York City in 2007.

Man - I sure wish he'd go to bed. Holy crap - he has been glued to that computer since 7:30 last night. It's 5:00 am right now. Tell me that is normal. He does. INSANITY!

You know, the funny part is I took two trazadones last night, and slept for the usual3-4 hours. Then, after waking up to "that" I downed two Calms Forte. Nothing. I laid there about 20 minutes before giving up and heading to my coffee pot.

I have dropped almost 20 lbs in the past few months. Between the Zoloft and the stress of breaking up with Gary, I had devised the perfect diet plan!!!

How can two peoples realities and lives be SOOOOOOO different? Here we sit, right now, right here, a mere 6 ft from each other. Not a word passes between us. I blog - he does whatever he does. All I know is - the Gary online is NOT the same Gary in real life. Are two Garys better than one? Ummmm, no.

Yes world, I am STILL rehashing this in my mind. The infamous pro/con list. It is the only way I stay remotely sane right now.

He is unhealthy, unintelligent, and vacant. A friend of mine came to see me at work today and told me that when she met him back in November, the impression she got from him was complete lack of emotion and personality. I also added that he almost seems to have no soul.

But somewhere down this road I SAW something in him that made me fall into his arms. But what? Hard to concentrate with "Don't Talk To Strangers" blaring into my left ear.

If he is still up in two hours, he will hit the 12 hour mark. WHY DO I FUCKING CARE? What is my obsession? No clear headed thinking is possble until he leaves, so please take all I say with a grain of salt at this point.

Never argue with a drunk

And God forbid try to reason with an idiot.

Never try to show the sunset to a blind man.

Don't waste your time - ever.

Never give up the chance to sit and watch an old film.

Keep track of time - it teaches us something every day.

I am wondering if this window of hell thinks it will get the best of me. I doubt it - I have God and a ton of friends on my side.

I reign victorious, and with minimal brain damage.

Sabbatical

Soooooooooooo I have three days off. Three glorious days off. Hmmmm.

The Grass Roots - Bella Linda. :D

"...if I could take away the pain that your eyes reveal..."

At the moment I am listening to my favorite Frantics bit called "You Were Speeding". Absolutely brilliant.


You Were Speeding!

Source: "You Were Speeding" by the Frantics © 1984 CBC radio from the album Frantic Times off the Dr Demento's 30th Anniversary Collection: Dementia 2000
http://flatrock.org.nz/topics/humour/stop_stopping_to_think.htm

Cop: "Excuse me sir, would you mind getting out of your train of thought?"

Guy: "Huh? What?"

Cop: "Where's the big idea sir?"

Guy: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I don't understand, I was thinking."

Cop: "Yeah, your mind was wandering all over the place. May I see your degree please?"

Guy: "Sure, here."

Cop: "Take it out of the frame."

Guy: "Sorry. It's a community college learner's permit."

Cop: "You need a BA to drive this idea home!"

Guy: "Oh, I... I must have been lateral thinking, and not realised it."

Cop: "Uh huh."

Guy: "See, I had to think fast to get around that mental block back there, and I didn't notice the limits."

Cop: "This degree has expired! I ought to throw the encyclopedia at you."

Guy: "Why? Is this a controlled thought zone?"

Cop: "Yes, it is, sir. See the sign?"

Guy: "School...
"I guess I was letting my thoughts wander all over the avenue of consideration."

Cop: "Uh huh, you almost collided with established dogma back at those presumptions."

Guy: "I wasn't thinking straight!"

Cop: "I see. Have you been drinking, sir?"

Guy: "A couple of beers, but I'm not illogical!"

Cop: "Well, I should stop your thought process right now, but I'm going to give you a ticket for quick thinking."

Guy: "That's three points off my IQ!!!"

Cop: "And the fine is a penny for your thoughts."

Guy: "I'll get back into the flow of normal thought, officer."

Cop: "Uh huh, you go straight to your inevitable conclusion: it's foregone, you can't miss it."

Guy: "Yes."

Cop: "You understand?"

Guy: "Yes. Thank you very much officer."

Cop: "Okay, off with you...
"Kids! Too damn smart for their own good!"

Impatience, insane girl, impatience...

You know, this is like waiting for a delayed flight. I have a destination, and I am all packed and ready to go, but instead...I am made to wait. And wait. And wait.

But, see here, I am ALL READY to go!! Look, I have a carry on and EVERYTHING!!! I dont want to have to spend $4.00 on a bottle of water!! I just want to get where I am going!!

Ok, fine. My flight is delayed three weeks you say? Fine.

What shall I do in the meantime? Any ideas? Thoughts? Coupons? Drinks? Free travel pillows? Pretzels? Self esteem packets? W. H. Smith you say?? Awesome...thanks alot.

Do you know how many airports I have been through? 17 to be exact. That's alot of baggage claims and taxi rides.

Ahhh, another classic Heather rambling post. Don't you just love it?

Should I put another pot of coffee on? its 4am now. Been up for about 2 1/2 hours. He should be heading to bed within the next couple of hours. Yay...even evil darkness has to sleep SOMETIMES.

Click, clickety, clickety, clickety, click. Type hun, type. Tell your slaves how precious they are to you. Tell these sad, lonely, lost, overweight, unattractive, mislead girls how you gave up a real life relationship for them. Tell them how you don't know the difference between lust and love. Tell them that their Master doesnt know how to balance a checkbook, or close a kitchen cupboard door for that matter.

Master needs a haircut. Master doesn't know who the Beatles are. Master can't pick up after himself. Master is prone to fits of depression and thinks he has it all figured out. Click, click, clickety click. Master can't spell. Master has a hard time concentrating on more than one thing at a time. Master has an emtremely short attention span when dealing with things of a non-sexual nature. Master likes Kool Aid and homemade cookies. Master can only drink 2% milk. Master tends to snore rather loudly. Master talks alot about things he knows nothing about. Master is a failure at just about everything he attempts. Master took true love and flushed it down the IMVU dungeon toilet. Master is alot of talk, and no action.

Master Metal Blade cannot see the dungeon for the slaves. Clever.

Coffee pot #2 in process...please wait.

Two hours and one pot of coffee later

3:24am. Here I sit, doing everything in my power to not be affected by this ridiculous situation. Talk about an elephant in the room.

Not a fan of being uncomfortable in my own home. I have no idea how the hell we plan on making it to April 20th. I hope its sooner. Much sooner.

Ahhh, Captain Wonderful just hit the 8 hr imvu mark. Way to go guy! I am impressed. And that's without food or a bathroom break. Nice. Maybe someday you will be able to give that sort of attention to a REAL PERSON. Not bloody likely.

I know my sarcasm and cynicism is peeking through all this crap, and I don't care. It is how I have always dealt with things.

Ok, what's up with the groaning over there?? Should I step outside for 5 minutes so you can blow your load?? Hmmm.....nahhh. I don't feel like moving.

That's right, readjust your seat over there pretty boy. It must be awfully annoying to wanna let loose, but can't. Do you hate me yet?

Funny, for a guy that claims to be a Master, he sure doesn't exhibit a whole lot of control over this particular situation. It's rather humorous.

Yay....three days off, and my period coming on with a vengance. Happy happy birthday, happy birthday cramps!

I think I need some E. Rhodes. Now.

Somebody made for me.....GOD PLEASE!!!!!

This song gives me warm fuzzies and INSTANT SMILE. It obliterates the darkness that surrounds my lovely ex - partner. He will never achieve this level of INSTANT SMILE.

Sunshine in a Box.

Chord progression on "Ask and you'll receive"......Can I marry you?

1:27 am

That is when I awoke out of a sound sleep and glanced over at Captain Wonderful and his Slut Brigade. He exudes some sort of constant snnoyance vibe that grinds my gears, because I am soooo tired of expending MY energy on him.

I used to lay awake at night wondering who the hell he was talking to all night, and why. Nowadays it all seems trite and too low brow for my standards.

I think as I got up at 1:45 am I exstinguished whatever hot and heavy fire he had lit with whomever he was talking to that prompted him to be touching himself in rather inappropriate places. Hence the reason I sat up in bed with such a start. I hate my intuition....loathe it even at times. I had specifically asked him to refrain from any sort of activity like that while I am home, asleep or not. Maybe a frying pan to the head would help it sink in better....

So, the other day while I was having that AWFUL Bertuccis meal, I considered the possibility of blogging that journal I had attempted to use with him. I think the story will tell itself.

Playing God

Ok, so as spring was fast approaching, I knew it was time to dig my grow light out of the closet and my seeds out of the freezer. Early last week I set up shop and started my annual ritual of seed starting.

Not too long ago I purchased a few packets from Rocky's Ace Hardware (you remember - where all those friends of mine work) and put them to the test.

Much to my surprise, these damned things germinated in less than 24 hours.

I was stymied, to say the least.

More tomorrow....

Federal Reserve Bank Blues

In 1967 emerged a great sound from the West Michigan area. The sound was psychedelic, and the name of the band bringing you that sound was the Fredric.

"Phases and Faces" arrived yesterday, tossed over the front door of my building amongst various other parcels scattered down the stairs.

No song could have been more fitting for the afternoon ahead then "Federal Reserve Bank Blues". I wonder if those guys REALLY knew what that was all about.

The country is whithered and tired. It crawls up to that desert oasis of hope and prays that it is NOT merely a mirage, but a sign; a sign that change is in the air, and prosperity may once again touch our parched, blistered lips.

We need not be afraid of what's to come, as long as we remember that we too must have the ability to stand tall, head held high, and push our way through this current hell we all seem to be residing in.

Another night

DISCLAIMER-I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THIS POST...

...and with a start I wake up as his cell phone declares, "Hey!!! Check out my funky island beat!! How's that for a wake up call?" 3:30am, and his phone is ringing. Ehhh, does it matter anymore? No, not in the way that it once did. Now, instead of jealousy/hurt, it is just annoying/rude. What a charmer!

So, I had the worst meal at Bertuccis last night. I was seated at a table (ummm, no thanks) in the middle of a dining room full of families...I felt like I was the live entertainment judging by the position of my seat in proximity to everyone else. And to Mary, my waitress...a few tips: 1) Its really OK to allow someone to finishing chewing their food before rushing up and asking about the status of the meal. 2)No, I don't need you checking up on me every 5 minutes...don't worry, you will get your tip. 3) Hey, next time, try a little friendly conversation, and please refrain from "tossing" my food in front of me as if I am some cagged animal at the zoo. Hmmm, about that tip.... I mean, sure, she was nice enough, but I just didn't feel like she truly gave a damn, and not out of anger, but out of sheer ignorance, as if her brain did not know how to process that emotion.

You know, a waiter/waitress can make or break a meal. I had no idea. Service IS everything.

He plays a mean horn...

I owe my dentist 5.60. I am sure I have a filling worth a few bucks.

My cat has an affinity for ANYTHING left on the kitchen counter.

My other cat drools excessively.

I almost bought a new robe today, but decided the one I have now is just fine.

I am second in the Whole Foods North Atlantic region for sandwich sales. Nice.

How many people do you know that become apathetic and vapid??

What are those shooting pains on my head?

In nature, there is a cure for EVERY ailment.

The first blades of green grass are emerging through the ice and snow.

Why did Adult Swim take my anime away? Fiends....

Why do fewer and fewer people speak English?

I know a guy that has a friend that is a blind Wiccan missionary in South Africa. True story.

When will they start releasing "NOT So Greatest Hits" albums?

Alex Jones "Endgame". Check it out.

Today's soundtrack is "A Gift From a Flower to a Garden" - Donovan....and the Essential Miles Davis.

There are so many people I wish I could show the truth to. They choose not to see.

My primrose is dying ALREADY.

There is a GREAT joke about "blank Inside" cards by Brian Regan. "...I am sorry you are feeling so...blank inside." LOL

Birthday greetings and a coupon

So, yesterday after running around outside trying to clear my head for the umpteenth time, I sauntered over to the mailbox in the lobby to pick up my mail. As I walked into my apt, I tossed the mail onto my desk, amidst the rapidly growing pile of unopened letters, bills, and cards from home.

This morning I actually got up on time - so I sat down to have that badly needed first cup of coffee. I decided to rummage through my mail. I saw I had received my first birthday card. yay.

It's from the local Ace hardware store. "...Happy Birthday Heather Stockham and/or current resident. Please enjoy this coupon worth $5.00 off your next purchase of $20 or more from your 'friends' at Rocky's Ace hardware...."

Wow. I am touched, let alone impressed. I didn't even know I had friends that worked at the hardware store. And they all got together and sent me a card?? Wow. thanks guys. Maybe we should all get together and talk about old times that we never had, or imaginary outings that never took place.

I know where I am going for the paint to redo my apt after my roommate leaves. THANKS ROCKY'S! You shouldn't have. Really.

And the beat goes on....

...or so says Sonny and Cher. The only beat going on right now is the beating of my head against the wall for not seeing this one coming.

I had all the warning signs. I had all the instructions. I HAD A MAP. I should have used it.

I have chalked this up as a learning experience. Albeit a very painful drawn out one.

Communication. Communication. Communication.

Painful...oh so painful

I do not know how much longer I can endure this torture here at home. He loved me once...and now every time I look at him I want to cry. It is all so confusing and I am talking in circles. Blah blah she says. Blah blah. I dont think this will ever get any better, but i know deep down that it will. I am not worried about the future persay - more just uncertain of whats to come, and I find that very frightening.

Such a tangled web we weave. It becomes quite complicated at times, we forget where it begins and where it ends. There is no clear way in or out. We just keep running in circles - getting dizzy and wondering why.

Today, I went to the park. I was miserable and ready to scream. I wandered over to a swing and sat down. I sat still for a moment and then slowly began to swing back and forth. The feeling of being young and free again overcame my senses, and in the unseasonably warm spring evening air I felt at peace and centered for the first time in a long time.

It did my heart good to just sit and feel peaceful.

Nope not today...

I don't feel much like writing today. I would much rather go lie under a tree in the park and dream happy dreams of warm summer garden parties and lazy nights involving marshmallows and Mad Libs. It would be a nice change from the current state of affairs I am involved in.

Wordless and Musicless

This morning I am at a loss for words. Yeah, insane, isn't it? No vivid nightmares last night. But confusion is still the order of the day.

I feel like a bird, who's circling and circling trying to decide just the right place to land. My emotions are rather hazy and undefined as of late. "I have never felt such a strange feeling of pity - and indigestion." -(Mr. Krabs)

This morning I am driving myself to work. I refuse to lay down and tolerate the fear that wants so badly to wash over me. I drove around the parking lot for quite a while yesterday alone, parking, backing up, shifting etc. I see now I do much better when alone. Ha - I just realized that is the first time I had driven alone! That's awesome.

Today's mood is scattered and calm, which a slight chance of peace of mind later on in the day.

My reality lines are not hazy though. I see things for what they really are. Even though at times I choose to ignore a lot of it; unfortunately my intuitiveness gets the better of me.

This is sure turning out to be a strange year. I would like to say I have a feeling I know whats gonna happen, but the truth is, I have no clue. It is like some highly anticipated mini-series....how will it end??? What's next?

Sad Cafe

There is something happening in the world at this moment - I can feel it.

A torrent of change and revelation sweeps through the trees. Nothing is unfamiliar, but everything is different. Old tunes sung by new voices, swirling down the vast canyon called revolution.

Humanity is slowly waking from its age long slumber.

Easter Morning

Just killing time before work. Just wondering about alot of things.

The most bizarre dream crept into my psyche last night and laid down next to me. In this dream, I was driving a very beat up old car....and in this dream I was determined to master it. Suddenly the dream shifts to me and and I riddled with fungus. Up my spine and down my scalp runs this line of mushrooms that are attached quite stubbornly and it really freaks me out. Gary is also covered in these shrooms, and I am disgusted by it. Then, somehow, I rid myself of the fungus, but Gary cannot. Pick THAT dream apart why don't ya????

Work calls....stay tuned.

Sleepy time

Somewhere throughout the course of the day, I attained some strange peace of mind. I think I am gonna run with it and lay down. I am in love. I am in hope. I am in control. I am going to bed.

Just have to laugh....

I compromised my dreams, and I wasn't even aware that I even HAD any until I saw the future picture and realized that it in no way matched up with my vision. I settled for what came my way because I had a hard time believing that any better would come along. I know I am supposed to be learning something here, and I just want to make sure I don't miss a beat, because I will be damned if I am going to go through this one more time!

This whole ugly scene has brought me to write, and write I have!! More now than ever, I finally let the monster out to play. Been locked up since I was 19 and knew I was a writer. I just decided that was the facts.

Then people entered my life that were not all that sober nor intelligent.

EMITT RHODES SOMEBODY MADE FOR ME HEAVY SIGH

Don't misunderstand - life is not all about relationships. You have to go out and live and shape the person you are in order to bring something to that relationship table once you find one. Finding out who you are is half the battle! Sometimes the road is dark and lonely, and sometimes you might wander off the path, and take what you think it a groovy detour, only to find it leads to a rocky ledge, or a hazardous cliff. When this happens, merely turn around and head back to the beginning. Back to that starting point.

So many times I have wanted to give up on love all together; to just turn my emotions off and lock my heart up in a glass box and bury it in chains. But to do that would be impossible. I have a need to love and be loved. Only now I realize that it has to be the right person.

You must have criteria. It is an absolute must. Settling will only bring major heartache in the end. Trust me.

We all come with our own set of baggage. No one is spared that inevitability.

I look over at the man that broke my heart. Beautiful but sad, loving but lost...he doesn't stand a chance at any sort of happiness. Just one disappointment after another. I can see it all so clearly now. Somewhere along the road he lost his way. Instead of heading back to the beginning, he pitched a tent and awaited rescue. I looked for you, love, but just couldn't find you. I searched my heart, and everywhere else, but you eluded me. Now he walks a tragic road full of disappointment and despair. He will never truly know who he is. I have nothing but pure love for this lost soul.

Lord, watch over this man. Keep him safe and protect his heart. I hand him back to you. Open his eyes to all thats right with the world, instead of everything thats wrong. Guide him in his travels, and bring him back to the beginning. Please.

WARNING: May cause drowsiness

*yawn* I take a prescription at night to sleep. I chuckle at this, considering I have NEVER had any trouble sleeping, no matter what was going on.

My garbage disposal just died. I think I killed it. I smelled something burning...probably the motor. Or was it my brain? But then, what is my brain doing in the garbage disposal? Oh wait...there is something else jammed in there too! Hold on...wait for it....ah HA! Just as I thought - my hopes and dreams along with any future happiness and chances at success! Nasty little buggers, getting all wedged in there like that!

Tumbling through leaves as I scatter the seeds....

Spring. Seeds. Love. Pain. Regret. Heartache. Remorse. Grief. Joy. Bliss. Insomnia. Jealousy. Triumph. Confusion. Love. Mellotron. Agony. Escape. Frustration. The Pretty Things. Hell. Peace. Calm.

Nervous Tension Fit

What the hell??? Every nerve in my body is on fire. I am home, alone, and trying to enjoy a well deserved day off. There is some sort of anxiety coarsing through my veins. It is a beautiful day outside and I should be extremely pleased with it, and the fact I have some quiet time alone. But I'm not. I am on edge in the worse way, and right now I figured writing was my best escape.

I made my mom's butterscotch cookies today. I can't bring myself to try one, but according to Gary, my mom would sure be proud. Regardless, I think she was always proud anyway. I have always stood up for myself, even in the worst of situations.

I wish I could just go to sleep, but I am so not tired. Yesterday I actually got some sleep, alot as a matter of fact.

I feel as if I NEED to throw myself into something; something to take my mind off of all that is happening. Where is the peace I seek to find???

Is this the beginning of a slow moving nervous breakdown? Nay, I say. I will not be a victim of circumstance.

Maybe if I just go throw up I will feel better. There is a nagging upset in my tummy that is screaming to be remedied. Maybe it was too much coffee, I really don't know.

Obama and my Best Friend John

Ok, so I get a complaint theother day from my better half that there has not been ONE mention of his name in my entire blog. Okay, I say, you're right, stay tuned.

Hi John. Love ya buddy.

Ok, now moving on.

John and I sat and watched the Obama historical race speech the other night on youtube.com. I cannot remember the last time a POLITICAL SPEECH made me actually tihnk that this guy just might pull it off. That there might actually be a glimpse of hope for the future of this country. And I am not even a Democrat (anymore). Something about the frankness of his words, and the non-robotic delivery made me realize this guy is for real. I definitely need to do a little reading up on who he is, and what he stands for. Thank you, John, for sharing that with me.

I would also like to thank John for a few other things to be listed below, in no real order:

Thank you for the countless hours you have spent consoling me, the dozens upon dozens of bugs bunny and popeye cartoons we've shared, the rare Kinks singles....Apples in Stereo, Emitt Rhodes (TY SO MUCH!!), Roy Wood, The Pretty Things (how could I go on without BARON SATURDAY???), Mst3k ( you SO ROCK!), all the times you understood what I was saying even when I didn't, for your ability to see things as they really are and explain it to me in a way no one else can, for accepting for who I am, faults and all, and knowing the real Heather.

Thank you for letting me into YOUR world, allowing me to see what sort of person you are, as a husband, a father, and a friend. Thank you for letting me chat with the girls, as their laughter and happiness was all I needed sometimes. Thank you for getting me and all my jokes. Thanks for being intelligent and intuitive!!! There is so much more, but now is not the time.

Thank you for finding me, John.

Cookies and Milk

To me, one of the greatest joys in life is to wake up in the wee hours of the morning, turn on my coffee pot, and gaze out the window at the passing traffic on Sutton St while sitting at my kitchen table. There is something so serene amnd peaceful about early morning coffee that I couldn't imagine life without it.

I believe it first started in Reno, where at the time, my fiancee and I had purchased a small home near the Peppermill. My kitchan was huge! Half of it was glass sliding doors. My fiancee, being a house painter, amd a mighty fine good one, I will give him that, had painted my kitchen this cheery, non-obnoxious shade of yellow. The cabinets were covered with glass display doors, and my oven was built into the wall. I may have cursed the fiancee, and the house for that matter, later on down the line, but that kitchen never did me no wrong no how.

I am so thankful to have these little joys in life. I am also very thankful for the last 9 months that I spent with my currently-exiting boyfriend. Although we both knew deep down this would never pan out, we genuinely had strong feelings for one another. I tear up as I write this, because my feelings for him are very real, even though he will be gone to California within a matter of weeks. It is all I can do not to reminisce about the past year....all the trips, all the late night pizza runs...all the early morning love making. I am almost positive that my period is on its way...this all hurts a tad more than usual.

Last night we hugged, and it felt wonderful. Not in a sexual wayt, but in a pure "I still love you" sort of way. He backed off and said, "I had better stop, I am starting to like it." When will this nightmare end? I implore you, when?

4:02 AM

Funny, I always seem to blog around the same time in the morning. This girl rarely sleeps. Of course it isnt my own space right now. So things are very on edge.

Eating and sleeping are highly overrated.

I should have lost alot more weight than I have, and I find it rather annoying.

Stupid coffee.

I am tired too.

Rudyard Kipling

Oy vey, it really is time to chane the subject, isn't it?

So, the other day I stumbled across the poem "If" by Kipling. If anything speaks volumes at this point in history, it does. It goes like this:

If - R. Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

Wow.

Officer Smart - NAPD

This morning at 2:12 am I received a knock on my door. It was the North Andover police dept asking me if I knew a Mr. Alexander and were we having a domestic dispute. Ok......

This, mind you, after being jarred out of a fairly decent sleep, thanks to our old pal trazodone...

I realized mr. alexander was NOT in my apt, and my keys were gone. He was UP THE ROAD (monty python ref yay) and on the phone. Police spotted him i guess and began questioning him.

You know, this whole thing leaves me feeling even more nauseous. Enough. Why drag this out. He says they say I said to pack his things and get out. I say, no, this was misunderstood and I will NOT let him try to turn it around so that I am the one to blame.

I told him I refused to replay the same events of two years ago. But yes, he needed to go asap.

The more money he spends...the longer he stays. I don't want that. I just want my life back.

I told him just about everyone at work told me to kick him out. I said I refused bc that was not the sort of person I am. I then proceeded to relay to mr. alexander that I only hope that later on, down the road, he truly realizes how much I did for him, and how much i foolishly cared. "Understand", I said, "that I am only showing you the same courtesy that I would expect from someone else. Do unto others...."

He has to learn this lesson! I have a guilt free conscience - finally.

4:08 am

Sometimes I think I am just watching the world through some sort of weird kaleidoscope. As if I am never really a part of it - merely an observer. Yet every once in a while I get sucked in, manipulated by it, then spit out, almost like a cherry stem.

If this whole experience has taught me anything, it is that I am far stronger than I realize. I have also learned to give myself the same respect that I expect from others.

This morning BRIEF discussion was highly empowering. He is truly clueless, but that doesant mean I have to suffer for it.

Empowerment and a license to kill

Funny thing about love...it never gives you a break. It is like a mistress, always there to wither hurt or humble. It morphs CONSTANTLY and rarely is it fair. I still am not sure whether or not I want it in my life at all, like a drug it beckons, but makes no promises. You will either love it or hate it.....no guarantees.

I cannot believe the gall some people have either. Especially when it comes to things like this. You know, people fall in and out of love all the time, but a mutual respect should never be an issue that disappears.

I told him this morning that is it. That this was my home, and it had become a nightmare and I was no longer comfortable in my own home. I refuse to tolerate four more weeks of his blatant disregard. Go make some other chick miserable. I asked him if he understood. "Yes" was all he could muster, along with,"I will call that store again tomorrow." Hmmm. He doesnt quite seem to understand the concept of "I don't want you here, please get out of my house."

You know, it wouldn't even had been that horrible if it hadn't been for his late night telephone conversations with numerous mindless whores. But this morning as I lay awake, and listen to his conversations, because, hey, I don't sleep either, I hear the infamous "I'd love to, but my roomate is 8 feet away." Bingo. Got it. Thanks for playing. Go disrespect some other girl. This one is too good for this shit.

Enlightenment

Sometimes our percerpton of the way things really are is horribly askew. Hard to believe that our minds can be such a combatant in our lives, but alas, it is true.

I believe that people should have some sort of criteria when bringing people into their lives, no matter what capacity they are in there for. It makes no sense to just flood our minds and psyches with various people that do not line up with ourselves.

Some people have a social addiction. The man I live with can't seem to put down his cell phone except to sleep, and even then sometimes its still in hand as he drifts off. Between the internet and the phone, he is constantly bombarded. Sigh, it must be his drug.

Bertucci's on Main St.

**DISCLAIMER** This is a horrible unorganized rambling YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Quaint. Cozy. Mafioso. What more can I say? Yesterday I spent my afternoon sipping Sicilian Sangiovese and munching on fresh bread and salad whislt engrossed in Kerouac's "Big Sur". This is the girl I remember. She cares not if anyones knows her, she only wants to relax and spend her time doing the things that truly make her who she is. She is a poet, a complex tattered soul that merely wants to find her place in this world.

Christi is in rare form today, leaping from her booth at the front of the room to greet her with a contagious smile and a fresh copy of Rolling Stone.

I am a writer. It is what I do. I sit. I observe. I reflect. Now begins her life anew.

It's a lonely life being the introvert she is. No one understands, but if they did, she would not exist.

There is no peace, for with peace comes apathy, and with that, not a whole lot to write about.

This is good. This is really good. She has no need for daily static - she has begun to see the truth beyond the fringe.

1/2 carafe, what was she thinking? Unable to put away such a greedy amount of vino, she leaves Christi a nice tip and discusses the Kinks as she walks out the door into the warm spring Andover afternoon. Next stop: Acceptance.

I like Zoloft in my coffee, and Prozac in my tea

Good morning ... yes it Is a good morning, and you know what, they will only start to get better too. Today is Wednesday March 12th and I know that the sooner my space is vacated, the better off I will be. Sure, considering how traumatic all this has been lately, I cannot seem to get all this crap outta my head. Still, it renews my sense of faith in a higher power, that gthere are things out there bigger than all of us, and theyy are the ones that roll the dice and makes the moves.

I look back on how I cowarded to him and I laugh. Laugh at the fact thatI immediately pointed the finger at myself, instead of both of us. Honestly, I had tried so hard to make this work, but there was no way in hell that this guy was going to give up his computer for a real living breathing person. It is so sad...I gave him everything. My love knew no limits with him - to me, he was like a little boy and a grown man all wrapped up in a lovely package. He needs guidance so badly, and it sure breaks my heart that I cannot be the one to give him that guidance.

I know he has talents, but refuses to use them. He has a future, but it has been dimmed by the constant hours of mindless banter on the internet with people he "thinks" he knows. I think his mother has a lot to do with this situation. She was never truly amother to him - therefore he has no idea what true loving and mothering is. I did not mother this guy. I cared for him. I sat patiently every night awaiting his return from work, only to see him breeze by me as if under some strange spell and settle down in front of the computer where his "real" world resided. It is so hard to watch him do this to himself and our relationship. It killed us, although we obviously didn't stand much of a chance anyway.

The last thing I want him to see is me falling apart. I refure to let him know how much this shatters me, and at the same time, I want him to know how I feel my making him see the truth about everything. Know and realize what you have done. Destroyed something so beautiful - alas, we had nothing in common but a strong indeniable passion for each other. Lust in its purest form....I doubt I will ever again find such magnetism. Although I am still very young and there are soo many people out there is this big crazy world.

IT shocks me that I am not more afraid of the future. The unknown had always frightened me.

You know, now that i think about it, as I was making my coffee this morning....we are BOTH guilty of escapism. I escaped into him, and he jumped into the internet. He was my comfort zone after Mom passed away, but nowI realize I need no comfort zone, and even if I do, there are dozens to choose from. Right now, its oldmovies, cigarettes, and red wine. Tomorrow, who knows?

Heather's Theory DEBUNKED!

Ok, so much forthe "He will miss me and return" bullshit. He is out the door. I honestly don't feel as if it would have worked out anyway. We are two different people and I am not happy sitting here being ignored by him while he chats up his friends. HE has an internet addiction, this much is obvious. He also needs to learn how to have a relationship. It's too bed, I sure loved him, but now I just want to ring his neck for stringing me along and not having the decency or respect to end it sooner. Asshole.

The Tale of the Tape

Shock - Denial - Anger - Acceptance. These emotions, in this order, according to my beloved Rick SPringfield, are the stages of grief in the human condition. RIght now I am experiencing anger and my recent breakup with my boyfriend. He has decided to move on, and start a new life in California.

Ewww modern medicine!

Good morning America! Today is Tuesday, March 4th 2008. The current time and temperature is 4:35 am and 46 degrees! I will be heading to workshortly and beforeI do, I ddcided to get back into that mode of journaling before work. Hey, he is up, so it isn't like I will wake anyone LOL.

Okay, so, the story so far.....you know what? I don't even feel like getting into the details, because honestly they dont matter. Look, Gary and I fought, I crumbled, he got frustrated and that's that. At the moment I am doing everything in my power to not freak out at the fact that he AGAIn has not come to bed because he is up online talking to friends. Do I think something is going on? Absolutely not. Do I think he is cheating? Nope. What hurts me is that his time is preferrably spent with people other than myself, but I need to learn to give him that time and space or else all is lost.

He is an internet junkie...along with probably 70% of the population of this doomed country. I have been known to pull a few all nighters on occasion.

This relationship can be saved. I have now idea how this will turn out but I know as usual I must give it all that i can, whether or not he does the same. All that requires at the moment is my ability to allow him a social life. Wow, I had no idea how difficult this was. I am hanging in there though. This allows me times to find out what I want in my life besides him. And who knows....it may not turn out at all like I expect.

At least he stopped hiding stuff. I can't tell you how frustrating THAT was. We are both growing, changing, and learning. I hope. Time will tell. My theory is if I give him enough space, he will miss me, and realize a few things. Stay tuned.

Can't....Stop....Blogging

2:56 am. Still writing. No clue where the energy to write all this shit is coming from. Yeah, I know there is no rhyme or reason to my babblings. Apparently I had alot to get off my chest. Apparently I have a few issues that need serious resolving.

Maybe I just wont go to bed. Maybe I will just see how long I can go without sleep. I am not tired at the moment - 2 diet Cokes have taken care of that. I am slowly not giving a shit what he does as well.

I know this, and I think its brilliant: If I continue to react the same way to these things, I will continue to achieve the same result. I need to try a different strategy. Don't sit here and brood over the fact he isnt paying attention to you Heaher! Be strong and CONFIDENT in the fact you have gotten more writing done in the past few hours than in the past five years.

Wow, I have really allowed myself to turn into some sort of mindless gelatonous mass. HA! Enough of this crap - where is that Heather that stood up for herself and look in the mirror and not be ashamed of what she saw? Whereis the Heather that got down to 169 lbs?? There may not be a tomorrow - I have to start now.

I need to take my mind back from the brink of where ever the hell it has wandered off to. Vacation is over - get back to work. Omg, IMVU? Am I for real?? I seriously CARE that he doesnt invite me to his IMVU conversation room? Oh please. I am much better than that. He is probably sick and tired of me and my shit. He probably needs an escape 24/7 from me because I am such a handful...too bad.

Hmmmm, it seems to slightly not hurt so bad when I am constructively doing something while he is chatting. As if, to say "Hey I don't need your attention, I am busy with other things." And its true. I DO need to be busy with other things. Give this time Heather. Allow yourself the time and space it takes to change who you are and how you react to your environment. You know damned well that Gary loves you very much - he wants to marry you someday. But are you honestly healthy enought o get married? No. Neither is he. Our ability to communicate with each other is far from strong.

I think the therapist is a crock of shit. This is the third or fourth time I have dumped a shrink. I just dont seem to get anywhere, except them telling me what I already know. And I PAY for this??

My best friend John asked me a very poignant question one day - "Do you trust Gary to do right by you?" I did alot of thinking about this, even though he said it was hypothetical. Do I trust him? Not naturally, no. I realized I had to make a decision to either trust or not trust. Of course, it is much easier to not trust than to do the opposite. I am still holding onto old hurts and ideas that I find it next to impossible break free from it.

Maybe I need to tell myself these things every day. I don't know how long it will take for me to figure all this out - if I ever do. Let's see how different things are when he doesnt feel so guilty about getting online every night. Maybe he will change his tune, and actually want to spend time with me, once he realizes I couldn't care less. It is worth a shot anyway. Ahhh, 3:13 am and still up I wonder if he is getting tired yet. Man, I can't wait to read all this crap tomorrow and following the flow of my train of thought.

I know I make him uncomfortable. I do it on purpose. I hate to admit it, but its true. He doesnt feel he can be himself around me because I will judge him maybe. I don't know, but I do know that I am not the only one in need of a little communication 101. He needs to talk to me - not just me doing all the talking. Nice try. But you are not copping out on me.

Here is the scenario: Unfortunately one of the major side effects of this medication is decreased sexual desire and delayed orgasm. Oh yeah, that will DEFINITELY cure depression! LOL. Anyway, so he has tried just about everything to make me ogasm, to no avail. I find it rather annoyingly difficult to even do it myself. So the other night he attacks me, biting, kissing, etc and I was so turned on, it was wonderful! Well, afterwards he didn't seem right. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me "Nothing." but I knew better. Today he tells me he did find it exciting, but afterwards he didnt feel good about it. WHY?? I asked. He sadi, and I quote, "I felt like I had raped you." I couldn't believe this. What the hell is this and where did it come from? How could you feel that way? This isn't the first time we have had fairly rough sex.....and enjoyed it - both of us. SO why all of a sudden do you feel you "raped" me? I don 't even know what to think. I dont know whether to even touch him now. I don't know what the fuck.

Hey, I wonder if he is sitting there wondering what the hell I have been writing for the past few hours. Who cares. If he is proud, that I am entertaining myself, then thats all that matters.

I think I will head to bed, and hopefully he wont be too far behind. I miss my baby.

2:37 am

Ok, I have just learned the hard way that white writing against a black screen kills my eyes. I am seeing invisible mini blinds every time I try to type. HA!!

YES, it is 2:37 am. Let's see who goes to bed first. Probably me. Another handy side effect if this medication is insomnia. Wheeeeee!! WOOOOT!

I think I painted a picture of gary in my mind, but it isnt at all what I thought it was. I understand his need for social interaction - but there is no balance. I feel if I want to spend time i have to ask, beg almost. I have never been in this situation before. Usually, the other person just wants to be with me, and visa versa there is no asking or wondering. It's weird.

My new plan is to not care. Gary is up all night. Don't care. Gary is talking to Karen or whoever all night. Don't care. I just hope he knows that if I wake up someday and have just stopped caring all together, he will know why.

We have no mutual friends. I tried striking up a friendship with Lisa, but she didn't seem interested in talking to me - just Gary. I would feel 100 times better if he had some male friends - all his friends are women. Its uncomfortable but I dont feel i can do anything about it. I have already mentioned it to him - he doesnt care. I doubt it would matter anyway - he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. All I want is a lasting relationship. I don't think this is going to last. Way too much turmoil and heartache. It is too bad, too, because I love him so much, and he is a decent loving person. But unless I pound things through his head and make a big stink about something - i am invisible.

He wrote a poem and sent it to me. It is beautiful....but I honestly don't think he wrote it for me. I don't think its about me at all. Neither is the new one hes writing that he claims is about me too. I think he hides alot, even though he says he doesn't. Here is my dilemma: He says one thing, but does another. He says "I wrote this for you" but then I wonder, "Hmmm, he sent it from work...how could he have emailed it without it already being in his email, therefore it was already sent to someone. Probably just found it and sent it to me to pacify me." I think the one he is writing now is about someone else too. Not me - I just dont buy it.

I doubt him so much because his actions dont match up with his words. He never talks, so I have no clue what is going on in his head. I asked him one time what my purpose was...he said it was to be loved and to share his life with him. Ok, so, how is this sharing your life hun? You sitting online for 6 hours a night while i either try to sleep (unsuccessfully) or am sitting up wondering why you dont want to spend time with me? You work, then come home and chat with other people that arent me. Marry them, not me, as they get more of your time and attention than I could ever hope to receive.

If he was online chatting a few times a week, and after him and I had had some time, it would be different. But he acts like they are all that matter. Like texting these girls and talking to them is his number one thing to do. I guess it is. I can't compete with all these girls. And I won't. I do not want to marry him if this is the way is it going to be. I want a partner, not a roomate.

Spring is fast approaching...

On a happy, lighter note...I bought my first two seed packets today. Yay! Two of my favorites, the Grandpa Ott morning glory and the Hungarian Blue poppy. Tomorrow I am setting out to get some of my gardening things together, to begin getting ready for a beautiful growing season.

I truly debated planting a garden this year. I felt as if my heart was too heavy to bring myself to go outside and tend to nature. Losing my mother has left just a gaping hole in my heart. I am thinking of starting a rose bush, and breeding my own roses, my first one being named after her as she was the one that taught me how to do it.

I truly do not believe time heals anything. I think it is human nature to basically numbify (is that a word??) to certain situaitons that your mind and heart cannot withstand. I call it going into "human auto-pilot". For me, there are times when something so disturbing or traumatic happens, that my mind sort of kicks into this mode to avoid damaging myself beyond repair. I don't know if it happens to everyone, but it happens to me - alot.

So, when will this auto pilot kick in for mom? Who knows? Let's talk about legal drugs for a moment, shall we?

I was prescribed Zoloft (50mg) a month ago. Might as well have been sugar pills. We were hoping it would even out my mood swings and irrationality, anxiety, etc. Nada. Nothing. Just alot of upset stomach and annoyance. Zoloft is an SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) for those of you unfamiliar with these things. Our original theory was that my brain was not receiving enough seratonin therefore a 50 mg a day pill was recommended. Differences are expected to show within the first month of treatment. The effects were minimal to say the least. At times I felt sickeningly apathetic whereas other times I was highly emotional and high strung. It apparently was not what my brain was needing.

So, we scrapped that idea and moved onto something a wee bit stronger, Effexor XR (75mg). Now, Effexor is slightly different as it effects not only the seratonin levels in the brain but also the brain chemical norepinephrine. It is also classified as a type of amphetamine. HA!

The first day of this new medication was yesterday. I felt like someone had shot me full of methamphetamines and thrown me into work. By the time I got home I was so jittery and antsy, I had a few beers to try to relax my nerves. I am not sure if it was the alcohol consumption or just the medication, but I was a mess. Overly upset about things that could have been much more easily dealt with. Him and I fought, mainly because I had been writing to him throughout the day trying to explain how gross I was feeling, and he wasn't even bothering to respond. It made me feel so alone - again. When he got home, he didnt even ask how I was just sat down at the computer as if I was this invisible doorman that just answers the door at night when he comes home. I got upset. I felt betrayed and alone and so needing a loving hug or touch. He got mad, came and sat down. "Whats wrong now?" he asked in an annoyed tone. I didn't even know where to start.

How can people be so clueless??? See, I associate having a clue with having a certain level of intuition. When you are in love with someone, and you both co-habitate together, to ME it is only natural to be extra sensitive to the needs and feelings of the other person...of course, I am a female, so I am sure that this just went over about 3 million mens heads. The gender gap will never ever make sense to me. It is so mind boggling, that sometimes I truly doubt the existence of God. Why make things so damned difficult, eh?

So, here we are. Day two of this handy dandy new drug. I finished off the beer when I got home, as there was only one left. The only reason the beer was in the fridge to begin with was that last week we attempted beer battered fish and had 4 beers left over.

So, how was today you ask? Tolerable. I still am feeling rather despondent and detatched. I am considering going back to healthy eating and exercise. I need to feel better, allthe way around, not just by drugging it up.

I dont know how to not be so pissed off all the time. When will that change? I sit here now and wonder, why doesnt gary invite me to he imvu chat? Why am i always excluded from everything? Then i ask myself, "why the hell do i care???" Do I really think that they are talking about anything remotely of any interest whatsoever to me? HA! I guess that when you are an intellectual snob like myself you dont have a whole lot of friends.

IS that the true issue here? Am I jealous that he can make friends so easily, and has tons of them, whereas I have like three? It is a Catch-22 truly. I want to have friends and feel loved, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time and energy on people with nothing to say of any sort intelligence of any kind. It makes it very difficult for me to attempt any sort of relationship with anyone when I can't attact people that are of my same mindset.

I don't matter, that is what I say to myself when he spends copious amounts of time online with all his friends. I used to be the person he spent all his time with. Now I am just here. I remember when he used to come home and I was the frist person he would talk to. Not anymore. It hurts, I can't deny that. I just want it to stop hurting so much. They get sooo much of this time. I guess we really have nothing to asy to each other - but he honestly doesnt make any sort of effort to include me in anything either. It is as if he doesnt want to bother with me. I am just a hole to fuck. He doesnt get that I want a relationship on a mental level, as well as a physical...do i intimidate him? Is he afraid of looking stupid in front of me? Why did he move up here? I am so confused. I think in time I will slowly not care either way. Time is good like that.

I need to focus on building Heather. Nuturing and becoming the person I really want to be.

Roller Coaster

It has become blantantly obvious that I need get back to my writing. Even if it just means keeping this blog online, its something that I need to do. Too many things have been happening to me lately, I know that I need to keep track of it. I don't even care (honest!!) if no one ever reads this, I know that the only way that I am going to get better is if I stand up and start taking responsibility for myself. Now, this is by no means an angry statement. I don't feel any anger or bitterness towards those people in my life that are close to me...trust me, there aren't that many.

Heather is in trouble. She is allowing herself to be caught up in mindless banter and silly obsessive thoughts. Fears and phobias plague her and she has begun to retreat into herself more than is healthy. Her boyfriend is doing his best to keep up, but is honestly not capable of providing what she is seeking at the moment. She needs constant comforting, and he is either unable to provide it, or just doesn't care to. He loves her dearly, but is miserable in this current situation.

Death has made her afraid to live. It is ludicrious. She has lost her comfort zone and now desperates seeks to find a new one. She has become overly sensitive and thinks the world is out to get her - boyfriend included. She is plagued with an insane sense of jealousy that threatens her very existence.

When did Heather become so - empty? So afraid? So unable to live her life without a security blanket? Was she always this way, but constantly losing herself in people and other things that she never once realized that was how she was living her life? She spent many years wasting energy absorbing negative people with their negative ideas and actions. She needs change but is either afraid to change, or doesn't know how to take the first step.

Heather has begun a regimen of anti-depressants at the recommendation of her therapist. She doesn't know exactly what will happen, only that she needs and wants desperately to be well. Life has so much to offer her, she knows this, but she just cant seem to put out her hand and touch that which is life and everything worth living for.

Where is the fine live between instinct and silly irrationality? I wish I knew. I can't tell one from the other. I don't want to continute blaming others for my current state of mind. Things have happened, YES, now let's move on. Let's get our selves MOVING. Mentally as well as physically. NO ONE will do this but you. NO ONE can make you do a damned thing - no not even your beloved Master. He is too caught up in his internet world to be bothered with what you are dealing with. He is still a child. He is still learning what it is to be a grown man - and I honestly do not know if He will ever get there. I need to remind myself of this fact. I deal with things on a mature adult level, whereas I think at times, it completely goes over his head. Mind you, it isn't out of any sort of stupidity or ignorance, but merely his inability to achieve a certain level of maturity. I have learned the hard way that love does NOT conquer all. It serves its purpose, but it is merely a catalyst for setting a deep bonding relationship in motion.

I dont WANT to look pathetic! I don't want him to only pay attention to me when I make a fuss, or look upset. I want to function ON MY OWN and be independent again. How much more attractive that is. When I start to turn away these demons inside my head and stand on my OWN two feet, regardless of the consequences. I want respect, not pity. I want to be needed because I am strong and loving as a woman, not whimpering and crying like a baby. I do not want sympathy, I want companionship. I want him to be here because he is in love with me, not out of obligation. I can no longer continue with this behavior as I will surely lose all that is sacred to me.