Roller Coaster

It has become blantantly obvious that I need get back to my writing. Even if it just means keeping this blog online, its something that I need to do. Too many things have been happening to me lately, I know that I need to keep track of it. I don't even care (honest!!) if no one ever reads this, I know that the only way that I am going to get better is if I stand up and start taking responsibility for myself. Now, this is by no means an angry statement. I don't feel any anger or bitterness towards those people in my life that are close to me...trust me, there aren't that many.

Heather is in trouble. She is allowing herself to be caught up in mindless banter and silly obsessive thoughts. Fears and phobias plague her and she has begun to retreat into herself more than is healthy. Her boyfriend is doing his best to keep up, but is honestly not capable of providing what she is seeking at the moment. She needs constant comforting, and he is either unable to provide it, or just doesn't care to. He loves her dearly, but is miserable in this current situation.

Death has made her afraid to live. It is ludicrious. She has lost her comfort zone and now desperates seeks to find a new one. She has become overly sensitive and thinks the world is out to get her - boyfriend included. She is plagued with an insane sense of jealousy that threatens her very existence.

When did Heather become so - empty? So afraid? So unable to live her life without a security blanket? Was she always this way, but constantly losing herself in people and other things that she never once realized that was how she was living her life? She spent many years wasting energy absorbing negative people with their negative ideas and actions. She needs change but is either afraid to change, or doesn't know how to take the first step.

Heather has begun a regimen of anti-depressants at the recommendation of her therapist. She doesn't know exactly what will happen, only that she needs and wants desperately to be well. Life has so much to offer her, she knows this, but she just cant seem to put out her hand and touch that which is life and everything worth living for.

Where is the fine live between instinct and silly irrationality? I wish I knew. I can't tell one from the other. I don't want to continute blaming others for my current state of mind. Things have happened, YES, now let's move on. Let's get our selves MOVING. Mentally as well as physically. NO ONE will do this but you. NO ONE can make you do a damned thing - no not even your beloved Master. He is too caught up in his internet world to be bothered with what you are dealing with. He is still a child. He is still learning what it is to be a grown man - and I honestly do not know if He will ever get there. I need to remind myself of this fact. I deal with things on a mature adult level, whereas I think at times, it completely goes over his head. Mind you, it isn't out of any sort of stupidity or ignorance, but merely his inability to achieve a certain level of maturity. I have learned the hard way that love does NOT conquer all. It serves its purpose, but it is merely a catalyst for setting a deep bonding relationship in motion.

I dont WANT to look pathetic! I don't want him to only pay attention to me when I make a fuss, or look upset. I want to function ON MY OWN and be independent again. How much more attractive that is. When I start to turn away these demons inside my head and stand on my OWN two feet, regardless of the consequences. I want respect, not pity. I want to be needed because I am strong and loving as a woman, not whimpering and crying like a baby. I do not want sympathy, I want companionship. I want him to be here because he is in love with me, not out of obligation. I can no longer continue with this behavior as I will surely lose all that is sacred to me.