Spring is fast approaching...

On a happy, lighter note...I bought my first two seed packets today. Yay! Two of my favorites, the Grandpa Ott morning glory and the Hungarian Blue poppy. Tomorrow I am setting out to get some of my gardening things together, to begin getting ready for a beautiful growing season.

I truly debated planting a garden this year. I felt as if my heart was too heavy to bring myself to go outside and tend to nature. Losing my mother has left just a gaping hole in my heart. I am thinking of starting a rose bush, and breeding my own roses, my first one being named after her as she was the one that taught me how to do it.

I truly do not believe time heals anything. I think it is human nature to basically numbify (is that a word??) to certain situaitons that your mind and heart cannot withstand. I call it going into "human auto-pilot". For me, there are times when something so disturbing or traumatic happens, that my mind sort of kicks into this mode to avoid damaging myself beyond repair. I don't know if it happens to everyone, but it happens to me - alot.

So, when will this auto pilot kick in for mom? Who knows? Let's talk about legal drugs for a moment, shall we?

I was prescribed Zoloft (50mg) a month ago. Might as well have been sugar pills. We were hoping it would even out my mood swings and irrationality, anxiety, etc. Nada. Nothing. Just alot of upset stomach and annoyance. Zoloft is an SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) for those of you unfamiliar with these things. Our original theory was that my brain was not receiving enough seratonin therefore a 50 mg a day pill was recommended. Differences are expected to show within the first month of treatment. The effects were minimal to say the least. At times I felt sickeningly apathetic whereas other times I was highly emotional and high strung. It apparently was not what my brain was needing.

So, we scrapped that idea and moved onto something a wee bit stronger, Effexor XR (75mg). Now, Effexor is slightly different as it effects not only the seratonin levels in the brain but also the brain chemical norepinephrine. It is also classified as a type of amphetamine. HA!

The first day of this new medication was yesterday. I felt like someone had shot me full of methamphetamines and thrown me into work. By the time I got home I was so jittery and antsy, I had a few beers to try to relax my nerves. I am not sure if it was the alcohol consumption or just the medication, but I was a mess. Overly upset about things that could have been much more easily dealt with. Him and I fought, mainly because I had been writing to him throughout the day trying to explain how gross I was feeling, and he wasn't even bothering to respond. It made me feel so alone - again. When he got home, he didnt even ask how I was just sat down at the computer as if I was this invisible doorman that just answers the door at night when he comes home. I got upset. I felt betrayed and alone and so needing a loving hug or touch. He got mad, came and sat down. "Whats wrong now?" he asked in an annoyed tone. I didn't even know where to start.

How can people be so clueless??? See, I associate having a clue with having a certain level of intuition. When you are in love with someone, and you both co-habitate together, to ME it is only natural to be extra sensitive to the needs and feelings of the other person...of course, I am a female, so I am sure that this just went over about 3 million mens heads. The gender gap will never ever make sense to me. It is so mind boggling, that sometimes I truly doubt the existence of God. Why make things so damned difficult, eh?

So, here we are. Day two of this handy dandy new drug. I finished off the beer when I got home, as there was only one left. The only reason the beer was in the fridge to begin with was that last week we attempted beer battered fish and had 4 beers left over.

So, how was today you ask? Tolerable. I still am feeling rather despondent and detatched. I am considering going back to healthy eating and exercise. I need to feel better, allthe way around, not just by drugging it up.

I dont know how to not be so pissed off all the time. When will that change? I sit here now and wonder, why doesnt gary invite me to he imvu chat? Why am i always excluded from everything? Then i ask myself, "why the hell do i care???" Do I really think that they are talking about anything remotely of any interest whatsoever to me? HA! I guess that when you are an intellectual snob like myself you dont have a whole lot of friends.

IS that the true issue here? Am I jealous that he can make friends so easily, and has tons of them, whereas I have like three? It is a Catch-22 truly. I want to have friends and feel loved, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time and energy on people with nothing to say of any sort intelligence of any kind. It makes it very difficult for me to attempt any sort of relationship with anyone when I can't attact people that are of my same mindset.

I don't matter, that is what I say to myself when he spends copious amounts of time online with all his friends. I used to be the person he spent all his time with. Now I am just here. I remember when he used to come home and I was the frist person he would talk to. Not anymore. It hurts, I can't deny that. I just want it to stop hurting so much. They get sooo much of this time. I guess we really have nothing to asy to each other - but he honestly doesnt make any sort of effort to include me in anything either. It is as if he doesnt want to bother with me. I am just a hole to fuck. He doesnt get that I want a relationship on a mental level, as well as a physical...do i intimidate him? Is he afraid of looking stupid in front of me? Why did he move up here? I am so confused. I think in time I will slowly not care either way. Time is good like that.

I need to focus on building Heather. Nuturing and becoming the person I really want to be.