I like Zoloft in my coffee, and Prozac in my tea

Good morning ... yes it Is a good morning, and you know what, they will only start to get better too. Today is Wednesday March 12th and I know that the sooner my space is vacated, the better off I will be. Sure, considering how traumatic all this has been lately, I cannot seem to get all this crap outta my head. Still, it renews my sense of faith in a higher power, that gthere are things out there bigger than all of us, and theyy are the ones that roll the dice and makes the moves.

I look back on how I cowarded to him and I laugh. Laugh at the fact thatI immediately pointed the finger at myself, instead of both of us. Honestly, I had tried so hard to make this work, but there was no way in hell that this guy was going to give up his computer for a real living breathing person. It is so sad...I gave him everything. My love knew no limits with him - to me, he was like a little boy and a grown man all wrapped up in a lovely package. He needs guidance so badly, and it sure breaks my heart that I cannot be the one to give him that guidance.

I know he has talents, but refuses to use them. He has a future, but it has been dimmed by the constant hours of mindless banter on the internet with people he "thinks" he knows. I think his mother has a lot to do with this situation. She was never truly amother to him - therefore he has no idea what true loving and mothering is. I did not mother this guy. I cared for him. I sat patiently every night awaiting his return from work, only to see him breeze by me as if under some strange spell and settle down in front of the computer where his "real" world resided. It is so hard to watch him do this to himself and our relationship. It killed us, although we obviously didn't stand much of a chance anyway.

The last thing I want him to see is me falling apart. I refure to let him know how much this shatters me, and at the same time, I want him to know how I feel my making him see the truth about everything. Know and realize what you have done. Destroyed something so beautiful - alas, we had nothing in common but a strong indeniable passion for each other. Lust in its purest form....I doubt I will ever again find such magnetism. Although I am still very young and there are soo many people out there is this big crazy world.

IT shocks me that I am not more afraid of the future. The unknown had always frightened me.

You know, now that i think about it, as I was making my coffee this morning....we are BOTH guilty of escapism. I escaped into him, and he jumped into the internet. He was my comfort zone after Mom passed away, but nowI realize I need no comfort zone, and even if I do, there are dozens to choose from. Right now, its oldmovies, cigarettes, and red wine. Tomorrow, who knows?