Can't....Stop....Blogging

2:56 am. Still writing. No clue where the energy to write all this shit is coming from. Yeah, I know there is no rhyme or reason to my babblings. Apparently I had alot to get off my chest. Apparently I have a few issues that need serious resolving.

Maybe I just wont go to bed. Maybe I will just see how long I can go without sleep. I am not tired at the moment - 2 diet Cokes have taken care of that. I am slowly not giving a shit what he does as well.

I know this, and I think its brilliant: If I continue to react the same way to these things, I will continue to achieve the same result. I need to try a different strategy. Don't sit here and brood over the fact he isnt paying attention to you Heaher! Be strong and CONFIDENT in the fact you have gotten more writing done in the past few hours than in the past five years.

Wow, I have really allowed myself to turn into some sort of mindless gelatonous mass. HA! Enough of this crap - where is that Heather that stood up for herself and look in the mirror and not be ashamed of what she saw? Whereis the Heather that got down to 169 lbs?? There may not be a tomorrow - I have to start now.

I need to take my mind back from the brink of where ever the hell it has wandered off to. Vacation is over - get back to work. Omg, IMVU? Am I for real?? I seriously CARE that he doesnt invite me to his IMVU conversation room? Oh please. I am much better than that. He is probably sick and tired of me and my shit. He probably needs an escape 24/7 from me because I am such a handful...too bad.

Hmmmm, it seems to slightly not hurt so bad when I am constructively doing something while he is chatting. As if, to say "Hey I don't need your attention, I am busy with other things." And its true. I DO need to be busy with other things. Give this time Heather. Allow yourself the time and space it takes to change who you are and how you react to your environment. You know damned well that Gary loves you very much - he wants to marry you someday. But are you honestly healthy enought o get married? No. Neither is he. Our ability to communicate with each other is far from strong.

I think the therapist is a crock of shit. This is the third or fourth time I have dumped a shrink. I just dont seem to get anywhere, except them telling me what I already know. And I PAY for this??

My best friend John asked me a very poignant question one day - "Do you trust Gary to do right by you?" I did alot of thinking about this, even though he said it was hypothetical. Do I trust him? Not naturally, no. I realized I had to make a decision to either trust or not trust. Of course, it is much easier to not trust than to do the opposite. I am still holding onto old hurts and ideas that I find it next to impossible break free from it.

Maybe I need to tell myself these things every day. I don't know how long it will take for me to figure all this out - if I ever do. Let's see how different things are when he doesnt feel so guilty about getting online every night. Maybe he will change his tune, and actually want to spend time with me, once he realizes I couldn't care less. It is worth a shot anyway. Ahhh, 3:13 am and still up I wonder if he is getting tired yet. Man, I can't wait to read all this crap tomorrow and following the flow of my train of thought.

I know I make him uncomfortable. I do it on purpose. I hate to admit it, but its true. He doesnt feel he can be himself around me because I will judge him maybe. I don't know, but I do know that I am not the only one in need of a little communication 101. He needs to talk to me - not just me doing all the talking. Nice try. But you are not copping out on me.

Here is the scenario: Unfortunately one of the major side effects of this medication is decreased sexual desire and delayed orgasm. Oh yeah, that will DEFINITELY cure depression! LOL. Anyway, so he has tried just about everything to make me ogasm, to no avail. I find it rather annoyingly difficult to even do it myself. So the other night he attacks me, biting, kissing, etc and I was so turned on, it was wonderful! Well, afterwards he didn't seem right. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me "Nothing." but I knew better. Today he tells me he did find it exciting, but afterwards he didnt feel good about it. WHY?? I asked. He sadi, and I quote, "I felt like I had raped you." I couldn't believe this. What the hell is this and where did it come from? How could you feel that way? This isn't the first time we have had fairly rough sex.....and enjoyed it - both of us. SO why all of a sudden do you feel you "raped" me? I don 't even know what to think. I dont know whether to even touch him now. I don't know what the fuck.

Hey, I wonder if he is sitting there wondering what the hell I have been writing for the past few hours. Who cares. If he is proud, that I am entertaining myself, then thats all that matters.

I think I will head to bed, and hopefully he wont be too far behind. I miss my baby.