2:37 am

Ok, I have just learned the hard way that white writing against a black screen kills my eyes. I am seeing invisible mini blinds every time I try to type. HA!!

YES, it is 2:37 am. Let's see who goes to bed first. Probably me. Another handy side effect if this medication is insomnia. Wheeeeee!! WOOOOT!

I think I painted a picture of gary in my mind, but it isnt at all what I thought it was. I understand his need for social interaction - but there is no balance. I feel if I want to spend time i have to ask, beg almost. I have never been in this situation before. Usually, the other person just wants to be with me, and visa versa there is no asking or wondering. It's weird.

My new plan is to not care. Gary is up all night. Don't care. Gary is talking to Karen or whoever all night. Don't care. I just hope he knows that if I wake up someday and have just stopped caring all together, he will know why.

We have no mutual friends. I tried striking up a friendship with Lisa, but she didn't seem interested in talking to me - just Gary. I would feel 100 times better if he had some male friends - all his friends are women. Its uncomfortable but I dont feel i can do anything about it. I have already mentioned it to him - he doesnt care. I doubt it would matter anyway - he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. All I want is a lasting relationship. I don't think this is going to last. Way too much turmoil and heartache. It is too bad, too, because I love him so much, and he is a decent loving person. But unless I pound things through his head and make a big stink about something - i am invisible.

He wrote a poem and sent it to me. It is beautiful....but I honestly don't think he wrote it for me. I don't think its about me at all. Neither is the new one hes writing that he claims is about me too. I think he hides alot, even though he says he doesn't. Here is my dilemma: He says one thing, but does another. He says "I wrote this for you" but then I wonder, "Hmmm, he sent it from work...how could he have emailed it without it already being in his email, therefore it was already sent to someone. Probably just found it and sent it to me to pacify me." I think the one he is writing now is about someone else too. Not me - I just dont buy it.

I doubt him so much because his actions dont match up with his words. He never talks, so I have no clue what is going on in his head. I asked him one time what my purpose was...he said it was to be loved and to share his life with him. Ok, so, how is this sharing your life hun? You sitting online for 6 hours a night while i either try to sleep (unsuccessfully) or am sitting up wondering why you dont want to spend time with me? You work, then come home and chat with other people that arent me. Marry them, not me, as they get more of your time and attention than I could ever hope to receive.

If he was online chatting a few times a week, and after him and I had had some time, it would be different. But he acts like they are all that matter. Like texting these girls and talking to them is his number one thing to do. I guess it is. I can't compete with all these girls. And I won't. I do not want to marry him if this is the way is it going to be. I want a partner, not a roomate.