This movie was incredible.....and anyone who has not seen it is deprived of a wonderful film by Gus Van Sant and an amazing performance by Sean Penn.
Milk
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Sunday, November 16, 2008
Milk - A Must See
This movie was incredible.....and anyone who has not seen it is deprived of a wonderful film by Gus Van Sant and an amazing performance by Sean Penn.
Milk
Posted using ShareThis
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Rick Springfield + J-Pop = Yahoo!!!
Since the age of 8, I have had a love of Rick Springfield. He was the background music through most of my life, and still is in my top 5 of all time. His talent and ability has stood the test of time, since first coming onto the American music scene in the early 1970's.
Recently, while thumbing through slews of youtube vids, I came across this bizarre Japanese cover of the RS song "Stand Up" from the Hard to Hold soundtrack. It's well worth sharing:
Recently, while thumbing through slews of youtube vids, I came across this bizarre Japanese cover of the RS song "Stand Up" from the Hard to Hold soundtrack. It's well worth sharing:
Monday, October 27, 2008
Empty Hours
Sometimes we feel as if we are within running distance of figuring it all out. I have felt on the brink of an epiphany for quite some time, yet it still eludes. I have had more than enough time to sit back and take in all that's happened in, say, the past 10 years, but I have avoided it like the plague. I don't think I can do it much longer. So many things around me are wonderful, but I have not allowed myself to truly grab into them. It's almost as if some unforseen force bears down and clouds my vision. I used to write - alot. I still have notebook upon notebook filled with random thoughts, poems, and the like. Now part of me feels brain dead.
My envirnoment as of right now is the most stable, loving, nurturing one I have probably ever had, and that includes childhood. So what's the deal? Why do I not allow myself to settle in and pursue things that fufill me. I should be elated, and in a way I am, but have allowed myself to become slothy and lazy. Almost as if I am not comfortable unless I am uncomfortable in one way or another...completely senseless.
Lately I keep telling myself I need a job to feel fufilled. I have not worked in three months. But truly, is that really what I need? To be honest, I think going back to work would only allow myself to avoid dealing with me more and more. It "takes up time" and that way I don't have to pursue anything I may fail at, thus avoiding any sort of risk or disappointment. I think that's really what's going on.
It is actually rather refreshing to not have a set schedule - why not enjoy it? Why won't I allow myself to sit back and enjoy life? Does it scare me? Why? I have become uber-obsessed with my physical appearance. After putting on a few extra pounds in a relatively short period of time, I have equated it with failure. Bad move. It's upsetting John, and upsetting me.
I am only writing this because my past experience tells me that in writing out problems, I work them out, to some degree. I would rather spend more time being happy than self degrading. **Why does Keith Olbermann look younger tonight???**
So, today John and I had a chat. He's concerned, and rather annoyed, at my constant self beating. I had truly thought that I had improved myself regarding perspective and self i mage, but I guess it hasn't come across that way. I don't want a perfectly good relationship thrown to the dogs because of my inability to love myself. I need to get out more. He has enriched my life more than anyone I have ever known, in a real, genuine way. I never thought someone would come along that was so well suited for me. I have waited all this time for him, and I can't let my old song and dance of "Heather-ewww" ruin it.
So, the question is: am I happy? Overall, yes. I have always wallowed in despair, so this change of lifestyle is rather foreign to me. But that's no excuse for being in fear of it. I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. So, why not let myself be loved, and breathe a badly needed sigh of relief? Okay.
My envirnoment as of right now is the most stable, loving, nurturing one I have probably ever had, and that includes childhood. So what's the deal? Why do I not allow myself to settle in and pursue things that fufill me. I should be elated, and in a way I am, but have allowed myself to become slothy and lazy. Almost as if I am not comfortable unless I am uncomfortable in one way or another...completely senseless.
Lately I keep telling myself I need a job to feel fufilled. I have not worked in three months. But truly, is that really what I need? To be honest, I think going back to work would only allow myself to avoid dealing with me more and more. It "takes up time" and that way I don't have to pursue anything I may fail at, thus avoiding any sort of risk or disappointment. I think that's really what's going on.
It is actually rather refreshing to not have a set schedule - why not enjoy it? Why won't I allow myself to sit back and enjoy life? Does it scare me? Why? I have become uber-obsessed with my physical appearance. After putting on a few extra pounds in a relatively short period of time, I have equated it with failure. Bad move. It's upsetting John, and upsetting me.
I am only writing this because my past experience tells me that in writing out problems, I work them out, to some degree. I would rather spend more time being happy than self degrading. **Why does Keith Olbermann look younger tonight???**
So, today John and I had a chat. He's concerned, and rather annoyed, at my constant self beating. I had truly thought that I had improved myself regarding perspective and self i mage, but I guess it hasn't come across that way. I don't want a perfectly good relationship thrown to the dogs because of my inability to love myself. I need to get out more. He has enriched my life more than anyone I have ever known, in a real, genuine way. I never thought someone would come along that was so well suited for me. I have waited all this time for him, and I can't let my old song and dance of "Heather-ewww" ruin it.
So, the question is: am I happy? Overall, yes. I have always wallowed in despair, so this change of lifestyle is rather foreign to me. But that's no excuse for being in fear of it. I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. So, why not let myself be loved, and breathe a badly needed sigh of relief? Okay.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Is it November Yet???
These are the words spouted daily by myself and my roommate. We don't know how much more of this we can take!
I don't know about the rest of you, but I have found that staying away from many of the major news channels next to impossible lately! CNN/MSNBC runs practically 24/7 in our home (an occasional glance at FOX NOISE just for a helping of comedic relief), and I am not so sure it's a good thing. Too much of anything usually isn't.
When you have copius amounts of excess time on your hands, as I have had recently, it's hard to look away. I have heard many people refer to it as a train wreck you can't bring yourself to turn a blind eye to. Well put.
The GOP ticket and their incessant flip-flopping...you couldn't make this stuff up folks! I find myself more and more in awe on a daily basis how the current campaign polls could be as close as they are...it makes me shiver when I think of how easily swayed and manipulated a vast amount of the American people can be.
To be fair, there is, without a doubt, a great uprising on the horizon...more and more people are beginning to see the light as this political roller coaster shifts violently back and forth.
I can't help but feel slightly creeped out every time John McCain attempts a pathetic grin as he hides behind the Valentino suits of fellow cronie Sarah Palin, not to mention insulted by he very fact that this party believes we as Americans will be taken in hook, line, and sinker by a folksy "you betcha" or a well rehearsed wink. It's clearly a proverbial slap in our faces.
Gov. Palin refers to herself as "Joe Six Pack"....ummmm, ok. So, you are trying to paint your self as some hillbilly drunkard? Where have I heard that before.....?
John McCain honestly believes his running mate "connects" with the average American. I'm sorry, but even the most average of Americans can pronounce "nuclear". Even the simplest of us know the difference between clear understanding of the issues, and force fed beauty pageant speeches. I don't care how BORING people say Joe Biden is, he has a BRAIN that GRASPS foreign policy and economics. 36 years in the Senate and a lifetime of challenges have made him seasoned and ready for VP.
Thank God we have people like Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow to keep things in perspective. These two have become voices for those of us sick of the lies, and tired of the hypocrisy. They are not fooled by Republican spin-meisters, and neither am I.
How can we, with a clear conscience, allow more greedy, self centered, wealthy drones to run our country? Forcing hard working people out of their homes, their jobs, then telling them that they won't be there to help pick up the pieces? This is NOT the future I see for my country. Government needs to work for us, not against us, and with Barack Obama and Joe Biden, I truly feel this goal Is attainable.
We deserve better then the political trash doled out by the McCain/Palin camp. They must think we are all too dumbed down to spot these wolves in sheep's clothing (or mosse, whatever you prefer...)
Every American worth their salt should be offended, if not outraged, and make their voices heard November 4th by voting for honesty and change in what is one of the most important times in American history.
If anyone out there needs help deciding which way to sway this coming election day, I highly recommend picking up Paul Begala's latest book, "Third Term: Why George W. Bush (hearts) John McCain". Begala weeds through the last 26 years of McCain-o-nomics and shows that not only can this man not be trusted, he is down right dangerous.
I sped through this book in about two days and realized how much alot of us don't know about this unstable sorry excuse for a senator. Read up folks...you'll be glad you did!
I don't know about the rest of you, but I have found that staying away from many of the major news channels next to impossible lately! CNN/MSNBC runs practically 24/7 in our home (an occasional glance at FOX NOISE just for a helping of comedic relief), and I am not so sure it's a good thing. Too much of anything usually isn't.
When you have copius amounts of excess time on your hands, as I have had recently, it's hard to look away. I have heard many people refer to it as a train wreck you can't bring yourself to turn a blind eye to. Well put.
The GOP ticket and their incessant flip-flopping...you couldn't make this stuff up folks! I find myself more and more in awe on a daily basis how the current campaign polls could be as close as they are...it makes me shiver when I think of how easily swayed and manipulated a vast amount of the American people can be.
To be fair, there is, without a doubt, a great uprising on the horizon...more and more people are beginning to see the light as this political roller coaster shifts violently back and forth.
I can't help but feel slightly creeped out every time John McCain attempts a pathetic grin as he hides behind the Valentino suits of fellow cronie Sarah Palin, not to mention insulted by he very fact that this party believes we as Americans will be taken in hook, line, and sinker by a folksy "you betcha" or a well rehearsed wink. It's clearly a proverbial slap in our faces.
Gov. Palin refers to herself as "Joe Six Pack"....ummmm, ok. So, you are trying to paint your self as some hillbilly drunkard? Where have I heard that before.....?
John McCain honestly believes his running mate "connects" with the average American. I'm sorry, but even the most average of Americans can pronounce "nuclear". Even the simplest of us know the difference between clear understanding of the issues, and force fed beauty pageant speeches. I don't care how BORING people say Joe Biden is, he has a BRAIN that GRASPS foreign policy and economics. 36 years in the Senate and a lifetime of challenges have made him seasoned and ready for VP.
Thank God we have people like Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow to keep things in perspective. These two have become voices for those of us sick of the lies, and tired of the hypocrisy. They are not fooled by Republican spin-meisters, and neither am I.
How can we, with a clear conscience, allow more greedy, self centered, wealthy drones to run our country? Forcing hard working people out of their homes, their jobs, then telling them that they won't be there to help pick up the pieces? This is NOT the future I see for my country. Government needs to work for us, not against us, and with Barack Obama and Joe Biden, I truly feel this goal Is attainable.
We deserve better then the political trash doled out by the McCain/Palin camp. They must think we are all too dumbed down to spot these wolves in sheep's clothing (or mosse, whatever you prefer...)
Every American worth their salt should be offended, if not outraged, and make their voices heard November 4th by voting for honesty and change in what is one of the most important times in American history.
If anyone out there needs help deciding which way to sway this coming election day, I highly recommend picking up Paul Begala's latest book, "Third Term: Why George W. Bush (hearts) John McCain". Begala weeds through the last 26 years of McCain-o-nomics and shows that not only can this man not be trusted, he is down right dangerous.
I sped through this book in about two days and realized how much alot of us don't know about this unstable sorry excuse for a senator. Read up folks...you'll be glad you did!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Finally, a breakthrough!
Listen, I don't know about you, but for the past few weeks, perhaps months even, I have had a gnawing feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. It's a strange uncertainity that I wake up with every morning, and snuggle up to every night. It's a fear that, for some, may be all too familiar and rarely spoken about. I know for a fact I do not suffer alone. What is this fear?
Four (or more) years of John McCain.
Think about it. Stop and really try to see in your mind's eye the possibility of election night screeching to a halt as CNN announces "All hail the Republican party!"
Kinda makes you queasy, doesn't it?
In all honesty, politics was never something that stood out in the forefront of my mind as I have waddled through my silly life, but more of a background noise that led to many years of cynicism and close-mindedness. "All those guys are crooks and liars", I'd repeat every four years as the future became more and more bleak. I am sure I speak for many people when I say that Americans are feeling helpless, weary, and without sense of self.
But this year, for the first time, I have noticed an amazing seedling emerging from the collective soil. A small sliver of light; realizing that perhaps, finally, we have stumbled upon a man that has the drive and the character to bring us through this dark time in our history. A reality of change, honesty, and, above all, hope that we, as Americans can, once again, look to our country and feel shameless pride, instead of sheer embarrassment.
Young voters are registering in record numbers as more and more of them realize just how important this election year really is. There is a stirring in this nation, which began as a faint whisper, that is becoming increasingly more like a primal scream. The changing of the guard has come, and that guard is scared shitless.
So, what is it that makes me worry so, you may ask? It's simple. There is an unfortunate reality that coincides with this rare moment. Ignorance. Bigotry. The inability for many people to see past the hype and mud slinging, not to mention the obvious attempts at optical wool pulling that leads me to think people might mistaken blantant lies and slander for legitimate ideas and competency.
Sure, politics is a game, always has been, always will be, but I don't remember one campaign in my lifetime that has held its dignity in check more that Barack Obama's. NO, he's not a perfect man, with all the answers, but a man that has seen the truth in Washington and in our country and holds fast to the idea of maintaining civility and character in his running for the presidency.
You cannot deny the sorry stench of hopelessness. No matter how many times you bathe-you can't quite seem to get off. We have trudged through eight years of bad policy, bad decisions, and nasty secrets. We have been virtually stripped of our civil rights and liberties as Americans and been handed dirty, filthy, blood stained rags in exchange.
There is absolutely nothing about John McCain that leads me to believe that putting him in the highest position in this country will bring us anything but more and more oppression and despair. Bush is handing him an administration and a legacy that is beyond a Repubilcan's ability to fix. You can't help the people if you don't understand the people.
We are tired. That much is obvious. But I honestly believe if we see past the rhetoric and nit-picking, the white washing and lies, we will be met with great rewards as Barack Obama is sworn into office in January.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to stock up on Rolaids...there's an election on.
Four (or more) years of John McCain.
Think about it. Stop and really try to see in your mind's eye the possibility of election night screeching to a halt as CNN announces "All hail the Republican party!"
Kinda makes you queasy, doesn't it?
In all honesty, politics was never something that stood out in the forefront of my mind as I have waddled through my silly life, but more of a background noise that led to many years of cynicism and close-mindedness. "All those guys are crooks and liars", I'd repeat every four years as the future became more and more bleak. I am sure I speak for many people when I say that Americans are feeling helpless, weary, and without sense of self.
But this year, for the first time, I have noticed an amazing seedling emerging from the collective soil. A small sliver of light; realizing that perhaps, finally, we have stumbled upon a man that has the drive and the character to bring us through this dark time in our history. A reality of change, honesty, and, above all, hope that we, as Americans can, once again, look to our country and feel shameless pride, instead of sheer embarrassment.
Young voters are registering in record numbers as more and more of them realize just how important this election year really is. There is a stirring in this nation, which began as a faint whisper, that is becoming increasingly more like a primal scream. The changing of the guard has come, and that guard is scared shitless.
So, what is it that makes me worry so, you may ask? It's simple. There is an unfortunate reality that coincides with this rare moment. Ignorance. Bigotry. The inability for many people to see past the hype and mud slinging, not to mention the obvious attempts at optical wool pulling that leads me to think people might mistaken blantant lies and slander for legitimate ideas and competency.
Sure, politics is a game, always has been, always will be, but I don't remember one campaign in my lifetime that has held its dignity in check more that Barack Obama's. NO, he's not a perfect man, with all the answers, but a man that has seen the truth in Washington and in our country and holds fast to the idea of maintaining civility and character in his running for the presidency.
You cannot deny the sorry stench of hopelessness. No matter how many times you bathe-you can't quite seem to get off. We have trudged through eight years of bad policy, bad decisions, and nasty secrets. We have been virtually stripped of our civil rights and liberties as Americans and been handed dirty, filthy, blood stained rags in exchange.
There is absolutely nothing about John McCain that leads me to believe that putting him in the highest position in this country will bring us anything but more and more oppression and despair. Bush is handing him an administration and a legacy that is beyond a Repubilcan's ability to fix. You can't help the people if you don't understand the people.
We are tired. That much is obvious. But I honestly believe if we see past the rhetoric and nit-picking, the white washing and lies, we will be met with great rewards as Barack Obama is sworn into office in January.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to stock up on Rolaids...there's an election on.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Yet Another Update...
Many months have passed since I last wrote - and so many things have happened. I am now residing in Raleigh, North Carolina with my best friend, John. I picked up a menial job at the local Kroger which, as usual, is completely unfufilling. I am happy on all other horizons though. John and I have made a nice, peaceful, comfortable home here and he is just a total blessing. What an example of patience, peace, and determination.
Inside, I am in a bizarre limbo. There is still that nagging feeling of greater things for me, but I don't know where to go with it and what to do about it, much less where to start. I can't keep wasting time - you only get one shot at life.
Inside, I am in a bizarre limbo. There is still that nagging feeling of greater things for me, but I don't know where to go with it and what to do about it, much less where to start. I can't keep wasting time - you only get one shot at life.
Monday, June 09, 2008
clarity
sometimes we must shed the skin of our past fears and emerge naked into the world. Cold, unfamiliar, and intimidating, at times its only the idea of freedom, without guarantee, thats truly puts all things into perspective.
allowing ourselves to trust in those worthy of trust is harder than it may appear.
three years ago i planted an oriental poppy in the grounds of my apartment building, and for three years I have waited for it to bloom. This year, low and behold, I was blessed with copious amounts of pink poppies with black throats that blew me away....
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Happiness is a journey....
...and one I have traveled far too long. Searching for things that i was beginning to think didn't exist.
Right now I am taking a total leap of faith and breaking out of my unhealthy comfort zone and testing my limits.
I have realized that the things that have become familiar and comfortable are no longer (and never were) worth holding onto. I have found the place I long to be, and it only took 35 years. Not bad.
I am happy with the Heather I see in the miorror every day, and feel that is the true meaning of happiness.
Right now I am taking a total leap of faith and breaking out of my unhealthy comfort zone and testing my limits.
I have realized that the things that have become familiar and comfortable are no longer (and never were) worth holding onto. I have found the place I long to be, and it only took 35 years. Not bad.
I am happy with the Heather I see in the miorror every day, and feel that is the true meaning of happiness.
Monday, May 26, 2008
First of May
"First of May" was a beautiful song written by the BeeGees back in 1969 and featured on their double album "Odessa".
It was on the first of May that I was given the precious gift of meeting my dear friend John in person and I have had the opportunity to spend the last few weeks with him before he heads off to Raleigh, North Carolina
It was on the first of May that I was given the precious gift of meeting my dear friend John in person and I have had the opportunity to spend the last few weeks with him before he heads off to Raleigh, North Carolina
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I summon you....
...to come forth out of the darkness....into the warm light of sunshine and calm waters....I summon you to shed your rags and past daggers and bask in the glory of love, peace, and harmony....I summon you as you forget your troubles, dry your eyes and step foot into a new world...I summon you to be free to learn, free to love, and free to breathe...I summon you to look at this as the spark that set the earth on fire...I summon you to believe in the restoration of all that speaks to you as you drop your burden and never look back....I summon you here through the fields of grace and beauty with your head to sky and your back to the darkness....
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Comedy in the face of tragedy
Questing. Mapquesting that is. It's a long drive from Birmingham Alabama to North Andover Massachusetts.
Luckily, there are many Motel 6 locations along the way, all at fairly competitive prices.
I learned from personal experience that the ONLY place to stay while on the road is a Motel 6.
EconoLodge - just don't. I mean....don't. Especially in Wyoming.
Super 8 - my God. Don't, especially in Groton, Connecticut.
Luckily, there are many Motel 6 locations along the way, all at fairly competitive prices.
I learned from personal experience that the ONLY place to stay while on the road is a Motel 6.
EconoLodge - just don't. I mean....don't. Especially in Wyoming.
Super 8 - my God. Don't, especially in Groton, Connecticut.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Update
Well, I had a few extra moments this morning and I thought I would hop in here and give the lowdown....
It's been one week today since Gary headed out to California. So far his luck has reached a brick wall, and things have already started to crumble. Let's hope he gets his act together and things go his way for once.
I have been terribly sick these past few days and yesterday I finally had a good day - only to have my troubles return this morning as I got up for work. I think it may finally be time for a visit to the doctor.
There is so much happening so fast and I am doing my best to keep up. I am feeling rather confident everything will smooth out eventually.
I am beginning to realize that the best thing for me at this moment is an all out detox - but I am reluctant to do so as the comfort of coffee and junk food seem to be numbing my pain.
I am in such a strange place right now. Not sure if its contentment or panic. A bizarre fence I am sitting on.
It's been one week today since Gary headed out to California. So far his luck has reached a brick wall, and things have already started to crumble. Let's hope he gets his act together and things go his way for once.
I have been terribly sick these past few days and yesterday I finally had a good day - only to have my troubles return this morning as I got up for work. I think it may finally be time for a visit to the doctor.
There is so much happening so fast and I am doing my best to keep up. I am feeling rather confident everything will smooth out eventually.
I am beginning to realize that the best thing for me at this moment is an all out detox - but I am reluctant to do so as the comfort of coffee and junk food seem to be numbing my pain.
I am in such a strange place right now. Not sure if its contentment or panic. A bizarre fence I am sitting on.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Finally, GOOD NEWS!
This morning I got up for the first time in PEACE in a long long time and stumbled over to the computer that I had left on after falling alseep watching andlaughing to "I'm Alan Partridge" that Derek lent me....
...and what do i find??
My BFF in Utah Jenny sent me grreat news of her sisters BABY!!! 7lbs 6 oz. His name is Parker...and you cant NOT love this little guy!!
Congrats Aunt Jenny!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
a few parting words...
April 15, 2008
Dear Gary,
I am pretty sure you are nowhere near as torn apart as I am at this moment as I sit here and write this to you. Right now, as you read this, you should be on your way to a new life in California...and for this I am eternally happy. We are both at a point of decision and direction in life, and I know that no matter what happens, we will both be ok.
Honey, I cannot find the words to say just how much you have meant to me over the years. I don't know what it was about you, but you took me to a place inside of me that I never knew existed, where peace truly reigned and the world could not touch me or harm me.
As beautiful as this was, it was herein that lay the problem. I could not hide from the world forever. I could not seek refuge behind your embrace for if I did, I would never truly become the person I need to be, as I am sure you realized far before I did.
Not only that, but I also found myself compromising so much of who I truly am. Things that were regarded highly became an afterthought. Please understand, I am not blaming or accusing, just letting you know how I view things from this point. Perspective is a wonderous thing - it helps us heal.
You are an amazing person. You have a heart that you wear constantly on your sleeve which can be both a blessing as well as a curse. Your gentle nature becomes you. You will make the right woman very happy someday love.
Love, I only ever wanted you take care of you and make you happy, I know now that I am not the woman for that job. I know you do not realize how much your computer is your life, well maybe you do, and thats fine if it is what makes you happy, but I could not play second fiddle to it, and this is where I was so unhappy. I know we will never see eye to eye about this, it is what it is. I always hoped I was more important that everyone online, you know that.
Know also that I had no idea what I was going to say when I sat down to write this. I just wanted you to know all that I keep inside of me everyday.
For all the tears, I apologize, for they have a mind of their own and I have tried countless times to control them but to no avail.
Thank you for coming back when I needed you. Thank you for being there when Mom died. Thank you for all the outings, the movies, the sushi, and anime, and silly jokes, and the cross country trip, and runs to the store, and hugs, and flowers, and shoulders to cry on, and tissues handed to me, and passionate kisses, and wonderful love making, and loving caresses that made me realize that I wasn't as disposable and I had thought.
Ok, now with all that said, let me also express what I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for having to beg for your attention, of sit around waiting for you to pay attention to me. Wanting to spend time your boyfriend is not clingy, by the way. I am not thankful that you slowly began to feel threatened by me and the fact that you couldn't turn me off and on like your computer. I am not happy that your life on imvu was a big part of what destroyed what we had. It is not insane jealousy when every night you watch the person you love give all his time and energy to other women, no matter what the relationship. Know this: no woman in her right mind would tolerate what I tried to tolerate. I am not happy that you figured you would just move up here and resume life as usual, instead of trying to create a new one with me. I am not thankful that you never even tried to help me out around the house, as I was pretty much expected to just do everything - that showed me right there how much all of this didn't matter. I am not happy you made promises you couldn't keep. I am not thankful that you could not get your priorites in order enough to see just how much you have thrown away. I am sad that your computer rules you. It is YOUR Master, Master. If you could only see what I see, you would be as saddened as I am right now. I wish you had had enough respect for me to talk to me about moving to California without me having to hear it from someone in my department. I felt betrayed, and lied to. I tried so long to build trust, but your actions always made that impossible. I still don't believe that faithfulness existed on your end - not my definition of it anyway, but again, you are who you are and there is nothing I can say. I believe that you tried to not hurt anyone, and that probably involves alot of lying and diversion. You have no way of knowing just how much I love you. I have done all I could.
I still sit and wonder just why I love you so much. You have made it perfectly clear that you do not feel the same, but I don't know what I ever did to you to make you feel this way.
I could ramble on and on, but I won't...I have said most of it already.
As for me, I plan on going ahead with my garden, as planned. Yeah, I know all the seeds died, but I believe now I will finally be able to focus on them, as this chapter of my life is coming to a close. Gardening is all about perserverance. Nature is quite the wild card, so you must pursue things with drive and consistency. Alot like life.
I may relocate in the fall, and if I do I wll let you know. I do hope we remain in contact, and talk often. You know I am always here and willing to listen love.
Good luck in your new life. I hope you learn a few lessions, easy and hard. I pray you start taking better care of yourself and find the healthiest path to take. I hope you learn discernment in dealing with people that come in and out of your life. Be discerning in who you mingle with - not all people are worth your time.
I want so badly to teach you all you need to know in life, but alas, life is all about making mistakes and learning lessons. It hurts so bad - but it must be this way.
Gary, good luck love. Please remember: no one will ever love you the way I do. Goodbye Lancelot.
Love Always (and friends!!),
Heather Colene Stockham
journal update
i will soon be posting the remainder of the journal. the story must be told...and told well.
renewal
i am here alone on this tuesday morning. gary walked out my door for the last time. not really sure what or how i am supposed to feel at this moment. its rather bittersweet. i have no idea what will happen, but i will be alright regardless.
i must get ready for work. i keep moving. good luck lancelot.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Nice to a fault
I am the bad guy because I give a damn. I am the bitch because I care. I am sure just about everyone Gary knows thinks I am the anti-Christ because I tried to take care of him and nuture him. Stupid evil me.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
unbelieveable
People think I am stupid. That couldn't be farther from the truth.
I see so much more than people give me credit for.
I know when I have been lied to. I know when someone is trying to cover things up.
I know when a phone call is sexual, especially when you respond with only "hmmms" and "mmms" afraid to say anything because then your gig will be up.
Don't toy with me anymore - let's just let it go. Get your shit and get out. Four more days...better start packing buddy!
I see so much more than people give me credit for.
I know when I have been lied to. I know when someone is trying to cover things up.
I know when a phone call is sexual, especially when you respond with only "hmmms" and "mmms" afraid to say anything because then your gig will be up.
Don't toy with me anymore - let's just let it go. Get your shit and get out. Four more days...better start packing buddy!
Free At Last...
Okay. It's 6:00 am on April 10, 2008. As no one I know is up at this insane hour, I decided to come to my blog to share this amazing news.
This morning I got up around 4:30 and had my usual cup of coffee. I headed outside to sit in the car, as it is SO NICE out today.
I don't know what came over me. I did my usual driving around the lot of my building, teaching myself how to shift properly. But this morning, for some reason, it just didn't seem like enough.
So.....
I drove up to the entrance of Sutton Street, and turned left. And drove. Drove up Sutton to Rt 125 and down aways towards North Andover High. I turned into a little side street and drove around a bit more. Came back out on 125 and headed back home.
I drove. Out on the road. Alone. Me. Driving. COMPLETELY free of panic or fear.
It was purely exhilirating, to say the least.
I did it. I shifted when I needed to no problem. Sure, the car died on me a few times, but I didn't panic. I just kept trying until I finally got it right.
I smell freedom in the air. And it smells great.
This morning I got up around 4:30 and had my usual cup of coffee. I headed outside to sit in the car, as it is SO NICE out today.
I don't know what came over me. I did my usual driving around the lot of my building, teaching myself how to shift properly. But this morning, for some reason, it just didn't seem like enough.
So.....
I drove up to the entrance of Sutton Street, and turned left. And drove. Drove up Sutton to Rt 125 and down aways towards North Andover High. I turned into a little side street and drove around a bit more. Came back out on 125 and headed back home.
I drove. Out on the road. Alone. Me. Driving. COMPLETELY free of panic or fear.
It was purely exhilirating, to say the least.
I did it. I shifted when I needed to no problem. Sure, the car died on me a few times, but I didn't panic. I just kept trying until I finally got it right.
I smell freedom in the air. And it smells great.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Silent Scream
When I was 16, I had my first real job as a cashier at a pizza place in the San Francisco Centre at Fifth and Market. My very first paycheck I received fromn that job went to some clothes, a trip to Taco Bell and a CD...Slayer "South of Heaven". There was a lot of anger back then. That album seemed to speak volumes to me. The louder and faster it was, the more justified I felt. My mom had just left my dad, and I was left with an angry father and a clueless sister at home. I used to hide in my downstairs bedroom wishing someone or something would just come and take me away.
Darkness always appealed to me. I am not sure if it was the taboo of it, or the fact it seemed to meld with how I was feeling. I had been abandoned and did not understand why. I surrounded myself with negativity, mainly because it was familiar to me.
I remember it scared the shit out of my mom. She had come down to my bedroom not too long befopre she walked out, and seen all the posters all over my walls...Metallica, Guns N Roses, Slayer, etc. She almost had a heart attack. Her good Catholic school girl daughter mixing up in such evil things. She confronted my dad about it when he got home from work....taking him into my room and saying to him, "We are losing our little girl!!!" According to my mom, my dad just laughed at her.
That was probably right about when she had had enough of my dad. 19 years and thousands of tears and arguments later, she finally decided she'd had enough.
My mom left right about Thanksgiving, November 22, 1989 to be exact. I recall the conversation I overheard between her and my dad the day she walked away. I had even taped it.
Mom: "You remember a long time ago I told you that if you kept chipping away at what little love I have left for you that one day I would wake up and it would all be gone?"
Dad: "Yeah."
Mom: "Well, it's finally happened. I do not love you anymore."
I don't really remember the rest, but that part sticks out in my memory the most.
Darkness always appealed to me. I am not sure if it was the taboo of it, or the fact it seemed to meld with how I was feeling. I had been abandoned and did not understand why. I surrounded myself with negativity, mainly because it was familiar to me.
I remember it scared the shit out of my mom. She had come down to my bedroom not too long befopre she walked out, and seen all the posters all over my walls...Metallica, Guns N Roses, Slayer, etc. She almost had a heart attack. Her good Catholic school girl daughter mixing up in such evil things. She confronted my dad about it when he got home from work....taking him into my room and saying to him, "We are losing our little girl!!!" According to my mom, my dad just laughed at her.
That was probably right about when she had had enough of my dad. 19 years and thousands of tears and arguments later, she finally decided she'd had enough.
My mom left right about Thanksgiving, November 22, 1989 to be exact. I recall the conversation I overheard between her and my dad the day she walked away. I had even taped it.
Mom: "You remember a long time ago I told you that if you kept chipping away at what little love I have left for you that one day I would wake up and it would all be gone?"
Dad: "Yeah."
Mom: "Well, it's finally happened. I do not love you anymore."
I don't really remember the rest, but that part sticks out in my memory the most.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
toons and booze
ok, family guy is on. i have vodka. life is good. talk to each other - love each other and never forget why you exist.
Got Blogging?
I was told today by a friend that I have NOT been blogging. I AM SOOOO SORRY, life called and I had to answer, although I wish now I had let the voice mail pick up.
i am nothing without a muse
i am an empty notebook....a naked canvas....a blank CD...a book without pages...a country without order...a king with no power...a garden with no life...a family without a home...a kitten without his toy....a master without a slave...a failure without an excuse...a drunk without an alley to shit in...a child without hope...a mother without love....
mmmmmm numb numb numb numb...did you say something? ahhh, i see, but you must understand, I am deaf. Hello.
mmmmmm numb numb numb numb...did you say something? ahhh, i see, but you must understand, I am deaf. Hello.
raw anger in rare form
fucking shit. i refuse to use caps. i am going to type completely in lower case!! ha!! that will send a message to the man, right? lol....vodka is great, especially when someone else buys it for you!
he never understood me, nor did he really try. it was too much for him. i see that. he needs simple people with simple minds. this world i could never penetrate. i have standards, it is obvious that he does not. that is why this is soo fucked.
i dont recall ever getting shit faced in front of gary. ahhh, a first time for everything.
family guy marathon tonight. cant be missed.
is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about this fucking bullshit? i am. can we move on puleeeze?
nope, sorry, heather, not until april 15th
when he goes.
i am making him a special batch of homemade cookies. because i care. stay tuned.
he never understood me, nor did he really try. it was too much for him. i see that. he needs simple people with simple minds. this world i could never penetrate. i have standards, it is obvious that he does not. that is why this is soo fucked.
i dont recall ever getting shit faced in front of gary. ahhh, a first time for everything.
family guy marathon tonight. cant be missed.
is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about this fucking bullshit? i am. can we move on puleeeze?
nope, sorry, heather, not until april 15th
when he goes.
i am making him a special batch of homemade cookies. because i care. stay tuned.
Chinese??? CHINESE????
This is my meal this evening....fucking Chinese food. Gary orders fucking Chinese food. Gary IS Chinese food. And pizza. and a computer. And IMVU. Oh, gee, Gary, not like we haven't had Chinese a billion times...I mean, heaven forbid we try something new!! Oh, yeah, I forgot, that would only happen if I SUGGESTED IT! You see, my dear, you have no active brain waves besides those directly associated with sex, sleeping, or eating. Wow....what a charmer, eh? Wow, I seriously need to know where I lost my way. Sure, he is a NICE guy, but seriously!!! SERIOUSLY!!! HEATHER!!!!! Since when did you get beaten into submission...would you mind remind me please? I mean, so he was your so called Master OH PULEEZE!! He cant even master doing dishes , let alone OTHER PEOPLE. Ok, well, maybe other ppl that have a collective IQ of, umm, -34!!!! All these fucking trailer trash chicks...300 lbs and fucking sitting on their fat asses feeling sorry for themselves and unable to function without GARY telling them when to shit and when to fart. Oh, Master, please help me feel better about myself!! Oh, I know you have a girlfriend. But, i NEED YOU. She wont mind. She needs to stops clinging to you anyway. Why should you put any energy into a real relationship?? All you need are us girls...your slaves....we make you feel like a real man, as if you are really in control finally. You don't need her telling you what to do. You are our Master. Just fuck her and keep her quiet. Then come be with us. WE MATTER - SHE DOESNT. She will only try to change you, make you too real.
SOMEWHERE along the last 9 months with gary, I LOST MYSELF!!!!! I never would have tolerated someone so devoid of any sort of opinion or intelligence!!! NO TASTE WHATSOEVER!!!! COMPUTER LOVE??? OH MY GOD HELLO!!!!!!
Ahhh, so THATS what that noise was....my DESPERATION ALERT. LOL, I thought it was my alarm clock.
You know, Eminem is quite appropriate when you're pissed off. Seriously, he is sooo angry....it is nice to not be alone. No fluffy love bunnies here lol.
LOL listening to Eminem...too funny. I am 35 and still wandering around like a fool. Maybe if I stopped hanging around LOSERS I would feel better.
Ever heard the song "Superman"? Wow - total anger and animosity towards women. But, if you reverse it, I totally feel the same way about guys right now.
total anger. i can relate.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Proverbial Glass Door
I am so tired. So drained of any sort of emotion or feeling. I cannot hold myhead up for much longer, as I feel it is about to roll off my shoulders and into the river. Once again, my insides are aflame, and I find it difficult to even muster a friendly hello. The reservoir of tears never seems to dry up. I doubt that I will ever understand human nature. Who are these insane, complex, psychic vampires that feed on my essence? When the hell did I sign up for this never ending merry go round? Merry? More like "Despair go round".
My senses are keen, but always too late.
My senses are keen, but always too late.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Dolores Colene Stockham 1939-2007
Every year on my birthday, my mom would call me and sing happy birthday. If I close my eyes and try really hard, I can still hear her voice singing to me...even as a baby when she'd sing "My Special Angel" her words always soothed me.
Dear Mom:
Sure wasn't the same this year to not have my phone ring. I have been doing pretty good considering. My life is getting back on track, and I know that when a door closes, a new one opens.
Thank you for all the hugs, and coffee chats, and constant support no matter how stupid my actions. Thank you for the cookies, and the Blair orders, and the slippers, and Santa goodies ever year. Thank you for listening to me no matter how upset (or drunk) I was. Thank you for never losing faith in your Pooh. Thank you for every loaf of zucchini bread. Thank you for those cookbooks you spent 4 months putting together just for me. Thank you for listening to my piano playing over the phone and NOT cringing. Thank you for all the movie recommendations. Thank you for all the music. Thank you for sharing the funiest commercials on tv with me. Thank you for all the Twilight Zone marathons. Thank you for all the good times at Western Village. Thank you for hanging in there as long as you could.
Thank you for giving me so much love and I look forward to endless Downy hugs. Thank you for laughing at my jokes. Thank you for laughing at my Rod Serling impressions.
Thank you for always knowing what I needed and when I needed it. Thank you for sharing in my joys and achievements. Thank you for giving me a solid private school education. Thank you for never giving up on me.
Thank you mom for bring in me into this world on April 3, 1973. I love you.
Love Always,
The Pooh
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Finally Acceptance....
...and with that a slew of new found confidence and a general contentment. Gary's choice of companionship is NOT a reflection on me, rather a sign that he is unable to relate to me. He needs constant banter to crowd his psyche so that he doesn't have the time to sit and actually think about real things. Trust me, I know. For years, I used alcohol as that crutch. Gary uses the internet. Its basically all the same. Except I chose real life over the imaginary world. I chose to face my fears instead of cower to them. He doesn't see any of this, but it is not surprising. Gary never really knew me. And quite honestly, I never knew him until we broke up. Sigh.
Journal Entry #4
Tues 11/27:
Good morning.
I am having a hard time with trust. I truly think there is more than me, but perhaps you just don't want to hurt anyone. I would hope that when you moved up here that is was a sign of commitment to me. But I can't ignore my nagging gut feelings. Most girls don't call a guy at 1am and I find you still hide so much from me. Forgive me but when I went to plug in my phone, yours had a message on the screen that said, "You make me sad". Who? Why? Can you see why I wonder?
Are you trying to just pacify everyone - including me? I don't understand all these girls and your relationships with them. I fear alot of them do have feelings for you. What are you doing - please explain all of it to me. Most girls don't have a boyfriend with tons of girl "friends". I don't like it - it makes me wonder. Can you see why?
My hands are shaking as I write this because I feel you feel obligated to me. Everything is hidden from me. I don't know when you are being honest and when you are not. This is why I can't sleep. You are up all night talking to who knows who - and I can't help but feel you just don't want to hurt me. Butit is hurting every day.
I know there is more going on than you are telling me. This is why I don't trust you. Theother day the cats jumped up ontoyour computer. I noticed that your computer is password protected. Wow. I guess don't trust me either. I would never go near your computer, don't you see, because I know whateverI would find in there would most certainly break my heart. This reminds me of two years ago, but now I am the one hurting inside.
I have to know where I really place in your priority list and I need to know exactly what's going on. If my gut instincts were quiet, I would not be writing all of this. Something needs to give - so Gary, please, I need to knowpoint blank what the hell are you really doing?
Every day I fel like this - Stacey seemed rather upset she couldn't talk to you. I am just tired of being pacified by you. Please don't destroy us. I am trying so hard to not do anything to hurt you - and I am really not feeling as though it matters as much to you as it does to me.
I think what goes on with your IMVU "family" is also alot more than you let on - yet another reason I don't trust you. You tell me nothing, therefore by keeping me so far removed I assume you are hiding it all from me.
I believe that IMVU, your pets, slaves, and whores are your number one priority. I come second. WE come second. I wish all this love I have for you were enough.
-Heather
Good morning.
I am having a hard time with trust. I truly think there is more than me, but perhaps you just don't want to hurt anyone. I would hope that when you moved up here that is was a sign of commitment to me. But I can't ignore my nagging gut feelings. Most girls don't call a guy at 1am and I find you still hide so much from me. Forgive me but when I went to plug in my phone, yours had a message on the screen that said, "You make me sad". Who? Why? Can you see why I wonder?
Are you trying to just pacify everyone - including me? I don't understand all these girls and your relationships with them. I fear alot of them do have feelings for you. What are you doing - please explain all of it to me. Most girls don't have a boyfriend with tons of girl "friends". I don't like it - it makes me wonder. Can you see why?
My hands are shaking as I write this because I feel you feel obligated to me. Everything is hidden from me. I don't know when you are being honest and when you are not. This is why I can't sleep. You are up all night talking to who knows who - and I can't help but feel you just don't want to hurt me. Butit is hurting every day.
I know there is more going on than you are telling me. This is why I don't trust you. Theother day the cats jumped up ontoyour computer. I noticed that your computer is password protected. Wow. I guess don't trust me either. I would never go near your computer, don't you see, because I know whateverI would find in there would most certainly break my heart. This reminds me of two years ago, but now I am the one hurting inside.
I have to know where I really place in your priority list and I need to know exactly what's going on. If my gut instincts were quiet, I would not be writing all of this. Something needs to give - so Gary, please, I need to knowpoint blank what the hell are you really doing?
Every day I fel like this - Stacey seemed rather upset she couldn't talk to you. I am just tired of being pacified by you. Please don't destroy us. I am trying so hard to not do anything to hurt you - and I am really not feeling as though it matters as much to you as it does to me.
I think what goes on with your IMVU "family" is also alot more than you let on - yet another reason I don't trust you. You tell me nothing, therefore by keeping me so far removed I assume you are hiding it all from me.
I believe that IMVU, your pets, slaves, and whores are your number one priority. I come second. WE come second. I wish all this love I have for you were enough.
-Heather
Journal Entry #3
11/26:
I know hun, pleasing me has never been an easy task. I am who I am, and at times it even annoys me. Ha ha ha. I am trying to learn how to share my burdens - no one has ever really been willing to help me carry them.
I am also trying to learn how to share you. I ti shard bc we don't see each other hardly, and then at night I feel the computer takes priority over me, and that is not true I am sure. I knowyou need you time - as do I. The reason it's hard for me is because I come home and am alone all night - I really miss you - then itright to the computer. I am not saying I am justified in my difficulty, just telling you the feeling it gives me. Things are different when two people live day to day together. I am learning that. I am also still working on the trust and fear issues - as I am sure you are too. Only time will strenthen the trust, and extinguish the fear. I so love you - and know you do too. Thank you for wanting to spend your life with me. I really am so happy - under all the pain love. I love you.
I know hun, pleasing me has never been an easy task. I am who I am, and at times it even annoys me. Ha ha ha. I am trying to learn how to share my burdens - no one has ever really been willing to help me carry them.
I am also trying to learn how to share you. I ti shard bc we don't see each other hardly, and then at night I feel the computer takes priority over me, and that is not true I am sure. I knowyou need you time - as do I. The reason it's hard for me is because I come home and am alone all night - I really miss you - then itright to the computer. I am not saying I am justified in my difficulty, just telling you the feeling it gives me. Things are different when two people live day to day together. I am learning that. I am also still working on the trust and fear issues - as I am sure you are too. Only time will strenthen the trust, and extinguish the fear. I so love you - and know you do too. Thank you for wanting to spend your life with me. I really am so happy - under all the pain love. I love you.
3:12 am
Good morning one and all....Peppermint Trolley Company is the soundtrack today. I had some really bad Chinese food last night, and now I pay for it.
I have actually been awake for about an hour; lying in bed attempting to fall back asleep, but to no avail. I can't deny that so many thoughts race through my head every single night, just now I am starting to not give in to them. They are what they are, right?
Yesterday was my monthly follow up with my nurse practioner regarding my medication. I have lost 13 lbs since the last visit and have actually made quite an improvement all around even CONSIDERING my current state of affairs. She was most impressed! We decided to increase the dosage of Zoloft and Trazodone, doubled actaully. Looks like we just might be onto something. I have a feeling that I am really on my way - in more ways than one. I have another follow up appointment for May 1st.
Funny how out of the worst situations come the best people. Through all this I have finally, after 34 years found myself, and discover more and more every day.
I have actually been awake for about an hour; lying in bed attempting to fall back asleep, but to no avail. I can't deny that so many thoughts race through my head every single night, just now I am starting to not give in to them. They are what they are, right?
Yesterday was my monthly follow up with my nurse practioner regarding my medication. I have lost 13 lbs since the last visit and have actually made quite an improvement all around even CONSIDERING my current state of affairs. She was most impressed! We decided to increase the dosage of Zoloft and Trazodone, doubled actaully. Looks like we just might be onto something. I have a feeling that I am really on my way - in more ways than one. I have another follow up appointment for May 1st.
Funny how out of the worst situations come the best people. Through all this I have finally, after 34 years found myself, and discover more and more every day.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Journal Entry #2
11/25/07:
I had a nice long talk with myself today (sort of lol). I am stronger than all this crap, I know it.
Thank you for thinking of me. That made my night.
~~Heather~~
HIS ONE AND ONLY RESPONSE (mispellings and all):
11/25
I am glad I could make your night love it has been hard to do lately with work and all. Give me some time and I will get back into the swing of things. Are first full paycheck is comeing so we can find a day to relax and celebrate. Remember, love it is not all your bills now. Let me do my part.
Love You oxoxoxox
I had a nice long talk with myself today (sort of lol). I am stronger than all this crap, I know it.
Thank you for thinking of me. That made my night.
~~Heather~~
HIS ONE AND ONLY RESPONSE (mispellings and all):
11/25
I am glad I could make your night love it has been hard to do lately with work and all. Give me some time and I will get back into the swing of things. Are first full paycheck is comeing so we can find a day to relax and celebrate. Remember, love it is not all your bills now. Let me do my part.
Love You oxoxoxox
Journal Entry #1
DISCLAIMER:
The following journal entries were written throughout the course of my relationship with Gary from November of last year until January. I had, at the suggestion of a friend, decided to start a journal in hopes of getting him to open up and talk to me. It never happened. Watch as we slowly spiral downwards.
11/24/07:
First of all, I think this is a very good idea. Sometimes I want so badly to get a point across, and I can't do it; verbally anyway. I know you are not a big fan of writing, but it means so much to me that you are willing to do this with me.
This book is ours. Whatever we feel the need to say to each other love, use this book as much as we can. Please don't let me be the only one that writes in it. I want us to learn to communicate better. I think this is a great start.
So here it is. For us to use, and learn from. I love you and hope to spend all my days with you love.
Remember, write as you need to; happy or sad, good or bad. Let's get the most out of our life together.
Your love, Heather
The following journal entries were written throughout the course of my relationship with Gary from November of last year until January. I had, at the suggestion of a friend, decided to start a journal in hopes of getting him to open up and talk to me. It never happened. Watch as we slowly spiral downwards.
11/24/07:
First of all, I think this is a very good idea. Sometimes I want so badly to get a point across, and I can't do it; verbally anyway. I know you are not a big fan of writing, but it means so much to me that you are willing to do this with me.
This book is ours. Whatever we feel the need to say to each other love, use this book as much as we can. Please don't let me be the only one that writes in it. I want us to learn to communicate better. I think this is a great start.
So here it is. For us to use, and learn from. I love you and hope to spend all my days with you love.
Remember, write as you need to; happy or sad, good or bad. Let's get the most out of our life together.
Your love, Heather
Monday, March 31, 2008
24 hrs and counting....
...since I have slept, and it is starting to take over. I just wanted to post a quick hello to all those who graced my pages today...thanks for visiting and dont be strangers ok?
To my best friend, John. Without you, buddy, I wouldn't make it. Thanks a million. Again.
And to Emitt Rhodes. You have been my soundtrack lately - you make everything better.
Good night.
To my best friend, John. Without you, buddy, I wouldn't make it. Thanks a million. Again.
And to Emitt Rhodes. You have been my soundtrack lately - you make everything better.
Good night.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
6:28 am
Well, I really thought he was going to make it to the 12 hour mark. But I guess not. Captain Wonderful has just laid down on the couch. Earlier he said something about me working today. Hmm, maybe if you paid more attention to me you'd know that I have today off.
But none of it really matters anymore. Yet I am hell bent on beating the shit out of this rigor mortis-ridden horsey. Giddy-YAP!!!!!
I thought for a minute there in the kitchen that we might start getting it on, but I was wrong. He just wanted a cookie. Then he made a comment about me turning into a cup of coffee...well, hun, if that's your logic, shouldn't YOU be a HARD DRIVE by now???? HA!
Wow, I had no idea how REAL internet addiction is. I kept thinking maybe I was being too dramatic about his online time, but when I read about addiction being "11 hours or more a WEEK" I laughed!! He spends 11 hours a DAY. It's sick. But he doesn't want any help. He believes he is just fine. Maybe in his fantasy cyber world, he truly is.
Mother Lode
As I scratch the surface of this internet addiction thing, articles are coming out of the woodwork. Check out this self diagnosis quiz from the Ontario Lawyers Assistance Program located at:
http://www.olap.ca/internet-addiction.html
Are You Caught in the Net?
How can you tell if you are already hooked? Perhaps you spend a little too much time online. Does that automatically mean you are addicted? No. The volume of time alone is not the best way to diagnose the disorder. We can't say, for instance, that ten hours per week is okay, but that the eleventh hour is a sign of an addiction. Instead, you must evaluate your online usage against the following set of behaviors that characterize the basic warning signs of Internet addiction:
Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet; i.e., do you think about previous online activity or anticipate your next online session?
Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?
Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?
Do you repeatedly stay online longer than originally intended?
Have you neglected sleep, proper diet, or exercise just to surf?
Have you experienced eyestrain, back strain, or carpal tunnel syndrome because of your Internet use?
Have you jeopardized a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?
Have you lied to others to conceal the extent of your involvement with the Internet?
Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?
Answering "yes" to five or more of the questions suggests that addiction is present.
http://www.olap.ca/internet-addiction.html
Are You Caught in the Net?
How can you tell if you are already hooked? Perhaps you spend a little too much time online. Does that automatically mean you are addicted? No. The volume of time alone is not the best way to diagnose the disorder. We can't say, for instance, that ten hours per week is okay, but that the eleventh hour is a sign of an addiction. Instead, you must evaluate your online usage against the following set of behaviors that characterize the basic warning signs of Internet addiction:
Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet; i.e., do you think about previous online activity or anticipate your next online session?
Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop Internet use?
Do you feel restless, moody, depressed, or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?
Do you repeatedly stay online longer than originally intended?
Have you neglected sleep, proper diet, or exercise just to surf?
Have you experienced eyestrain, back strain, or carpal tunnel syndrome because of your Internet use?
Have you jeopardized a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?
Have you lied to others to conceal the extent of your involvement with the Internet?
Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?
Answering "yes" to five or more of the questions suggests that addiction is present.
One more....
Also from the same blog:
Monday, January 21, 2008
Is Internet addiction real? Your Opinion
I enclosed an article published in 2000 entitled, "Is Internet Addiction Real?" Some of the point is that it shows where we as a mental health field were at that point in time. We were asking the question as this concept was so new and still evolving. Today, we do have more research, more findings, and more clinical treatment settings devoted to Internet addiction recovery. I thought it would be interesting to ask the same question today to see what online users thought.
One of the true signs of addiction is that a person experiences negative consequences as a result of something, whatever it may be - alcohol, drugs, or sex. With alcohol and drugs, a few common consequences are DUIs, jail time, and the loss of a job and/or relationship. A natural consequence for sex addicts is catching STDs. What are the consequences of Internet addiction?
In August 2005, a 28-year-old South Korean man died Рnot by committing suicide, but after playing the game Starcraft at an Internet caf̩ for 50 hours straight. By all reports, the man had not slept properly and had eaten very little in that time. While no autopsy was performed, he was believed to have died from heart failure stemming from exhaustion. A 13-year-old Chinese boy died falling from a building. His parents are suing Blizzard Entertainment, makers of World of Warcraft. The boy was allegedly re-enacting a scene from the game. In the Nevada, a couple ignored their two toddlers to the point of neglect due to their gaming addiction.
The children of Michael and Iana Straw, a boy age 22 months and a girl age 11 months, were severely malnourished and near death last month when doctors saw them after social workers took them to a hospital, authorities said. Both children are doing well and gaining weight in foster care.
Police said hospital staff had to shave the head of the girl because her hair was matted with cat urine. The 10-pound girl also had a mouth infection, dry skin and severe dehydration. Her brother had to be treated for starvation and a genital infection. His lack of muscle development caused him difficulty in walking, investigators said. The prosecutor said, “They had food; they just chose not to give it to their kids because they were too busy playing video games.”
Attorneys said the Reno couple was too distracted by online video games, mainly the fantasy role-playing “Dungeons & Dragons” series, to give their children proper care.
Studies from China, Germany, Italy, Iran, Pakistan, and India have also documented cases of Internet addiction. Given the dramatic effects reported and studies on the consequences of compulsive use of the Internet, the question is "Do you think Internet addiction should be given the same status as other addictions?"
Doppleganger
Ok, tell me this doesnt sounds frighteningly familiar???
This post comes from the blog belonging to the Center of Internet Addiction Recovery
Enjoy...
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Impact on marriage
I received an emaiil today made me want to share this. Repeatedly, studies find that Internet use has a negative impact on marriages. In my first study on Internet addiction, over 50% of respondents said that they suffered marital problems because of their Internet use. It is how I first got involved with this study, as a friend of mine's husband became addicted to chat rooms, which led to their divorce.
In the email, Maggie has been married for 3 years and they do not have children. She writes, "We are both 28 and I thought we had a strong, open and honest relationship; other than the normal marital issues. He started playing World of Warcraft and finds playing this game takes his mind off his concerns, but it has become a problem, he plays all the time. Everything we had together seems to be slipping away."
"I mentioned to my husband that I didn't want to be replaced by a cybergame, and I think that is finally penetrating. After I mentioned that I felt intimacy between us was difficult (to put it mildly) with a computer in the way, he seemed to realize that I was seriously feeling pushed aside. For the past few weeks he hasn't been spending as much time on it. Now I hope this continues, but it is early to tell! I don't want his GRUDGING attention, so I guess I will have to be patient and persistent. I know our relationship IS first for him, so I think he will fight this "addiction." I will suggest we play together - in real time, not online! I do have a backgammon board somewhere (now why didn't I think of that myself...)"
Even if online relationships aren't sexual or involve cybersex, they can still lead to marital problems. Just the basic neglect of the marriage can impede intimacy and trust for a couple. Maggie feels confused yet hopeful that she can regain his attention in a meaningful way.
I really feel for this woman. I know how she feels, but in my case, the computer won.
San Francisco
San Francisco is my hometown. I was born on Geary Street, at French Hospital, known as Kaiser Permanente today.
I believe Geary Street is the second longest street in the city. If memory serves me right, Mission Street is by far the longest street.
I used to have a friend that lived in the city whom I would pal around with. Her name was Victoria Countryman. I always thought she had one of the coolest names I had ever heard. Sounds like a model, or an author.
Anyway, Vic and I used to run around Geary. I remember one time in particular when we went to Bella Pizza to pick up a large cheese pizza and headed to Ocean Beach.
We were bound and determined to enjoy pizza at the beach. Unfortunately, the wind was extremely unforgiving.
I so vividly recall her bringing Jet (her black dog) out on shore, along with blankets and such. We sat down to eat, and the wind kicked up something fierce. Sand flew across the pie and we ended up with gritty, sand covered pizza. We were so pissed. We had been looking forward to that pizza for so long.
We also used to shop at Trader Joes together. That was always a hoot. Usually went to the Geary/Masonic one, although one time we did go to the one south of Market. I recall that one as well: We were barely there 5 minutes when over in the produce dept we see this massively pregnant woman wearing nothing but a half shirt and tight cargo pants. Across her rapidly expanding belly was this huge tattoo of a sun. It was as if to say, "Hey, look at me world!!! I am pregnant! I have NO MODESTY whatsoever!!!" She and I took one look at that, and bailed.
We would drive two hours to the Target in Novato, CA just to shop with white people. Horrible, I know. But SO worth the effort! Then it was off to IHOP for a grilled chicken sammich and a ton of Lewis Black jokes.
She and I loved stand up comedy. We had such similar comedic/musical interests. She had a keen sense of style and bought me my very first simple black dress from Eddie Bauer. She believed EVERY woman should have one. And it should be replaced every year.
One thing we NEVER saw eye to eye on was shoes. For her, high heels were like great sex, if not better. To me, barefoot was where it was at. But regardless, we were the best of friends for quite a number of years.
She was also my speed buddy. We used to sit up for days, doing that shit and playing mah jong. She also knew how to make a mean cheese omelette.
Well. Victoria and I don't speak anymore. We just never quite saw things the same way after the whole Mark thing. That whole "out of control spazz" thing. I am pretty sure she can still be found kicking around the Pillbugs message board, in fact, I bet my life on it.
I can thank Vic for introducing me to Mark. Thanks Polly Substance. That was sarcasm, in case you were wondering.
Check out the pic in this blog...its San Francisco in Jell-O.
Battle of wills
I sit cross-legged in my desk chair writing this blog. I think he is about ready to crash. Just a hunch. I look back on tonights blogs and wonder why I keeping typing. Probably because I don't know what else to do. I am blogging out of panic I think.
Ugh my birthday is Thursday. Let's see if Wonder Boy remembers. I do not plan on leaving any hints. Honestly, I would rather he just let it go. The breakup was the only gift I needed.
Shit - pill time. 5:30 am is pill time. Why can't I get that through my head?
Yes, I did dip into coffee pot #2. I am gonna make sure I am up when he crashes. I want him to realize how he has kept me up. What? You couldn't sleep? Did my typing and masturbating wake you up at 1:30 in the morning? Oops. Oh yeah, didn't you ask me to refrain from anything sexual online while you were home? Umm, yeah, about that, umm, does when you are asleep count?? It does? Oh, sorry, I just can't help whacking it while I sit on my IMVU throne (yes he has a THRONE LOL) and order my slaves to worship me. Sorry I am all fucked up Heather.
The relationship journal is getting blogged. Today.
Rick Chick
Ha. 28 years I have been in love with Rick Springfield. Little does he know how many trials and tribulations he has seen me through. Right now "Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet" is calming my waters.
Last years concert in Times Square at the Nokia Theatre was so awesome. We had such a great time. I will never forget that trip. Massive martinis and Rick in the flesh.
The first copy of this album I received as a Christmas present from my grandmother. She had sent me this album and Working Class Dog from Arizona. Pretty cool.
I have had the pleasure of seeing Rick live four times in my life. Once in San Francisco in 1993, in Beverly MA in 2004, Hampton Beach, NH in 2005 (thanks Mom!!) and most recently in New York City in 2007.
Man - I sure wish he'd go to bed. Holy crap - he has been glued to that computer since 7:30 last night. It's 5:00 am right now. Tell me that is normal. He does. INSANITY!
You know, the funny part is I took two trazadones last night, and slept for the usual3-4 hours. Then, after waking up to "that" I downed two Calms Forte. Nothing. I laid there about 20 minutes before giving up and heading to my coffee pot.
I have dropped almost 20 lbs in the past few months. Between the Zoloft and the stress of breaking up with Gary, I had devised the perfect diet plan!!!
How can two peoples realities and lives be SOOOOOOO different? Here we sit, right now, right here, a mere 6 ft from each other. Not a word passes between us. I blog - he does whatever he does. All I know is - the Gary online is NOT the same Gary in real life. Are two Garys better than one? Ummmm, no.
Yes world, I am STILL rehashing this in my mind. The infamous pro/con list. It is the only way I stay remotely sane right now.
He is unhealthy, unintelligent, and vacant. A friend of mine came to see me at work today and told me that when she met him back in November, the impression she got from him was complete lack of emotion and personality. I also added that he almost seems to have no soul.
But somewhere down this road I SAW something in him that made me fall into his arms. But what? Hard to concentrate with "Don't Talk To Strangers" blaring into my left ear.
If he is still up in two hours, he will hit the 12 hour mark. WHY DO I FUCKING CARE? What is my obsession? No clear headed thinking is possble until he leaves, so please take all I say with a grain of salt at this point.
Never argue with a drunk
And God forbid try to reason with an idiot.
Never try to show the sunset to a blind man.
Don't waste your time - ever.
Never give up the chance to sit and watch an old film.
Keep track of time - it teaches us something every day.
I am wondering if this window of hell thinks it will get the best of me. I doubt it - I have God and a ton of friends on my side.
I reign victorious, and with minimal brain damage.
Sabbatical
Soooooooooooo I have three days off. Three glorious days off. Hmmmm.
The Grass Roots - Bella Linda. :D
"...if I could take away the pain that your eyes reveal..."
At the moment I am listening to my favorite Frantics bit called "You Were Speeding". Absolutely brilliant.
You Were Speeding!
Source: "You Were Speeding" by the Frantics © 1984 CBC radio from the album Frantic Times off the Dr Demento's 30th Anniversary Collection: Dementia 2000
http://flatrock.org.nz/topics/humour/stop_stopping_to_think.htm
Cop: "Excuse me sir, would you mind getting out of your train of thought?"
Guy: "Huh? What?"
Cop: "Where's the big idea sir?"
Guy: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I don't understand, I was thinking."
Cop: "Yeah, your mind was wandering all over the place. May I see your degree please?"
Guy: "Sure, here."
Cop: "Take it out of the frame."
Guy: "Sorry. It's a community college learner's permit."
Cop: "You need a BA to drive this idea home!"
Guy: "Oh, I... I must have been lateral thinking, and not realised it."
Cop: "Uh huh."
Guy: "See, I had to think fast to get around that mental block back there, and I didn't notice the limits."
Cop: "This degree has expired! I ought to throw the encyclopedia at you."
Guy: "Why? Is this a controlled thought zone?"
Cop: "Yes, it is, sir. See the sign?"
Guy: "School...
"I guess I was letting my thoughts wander all over the avenue of consideration."
Cop: "Uh huh, you almost collided with established dogma back at those presumptions."
Guy: "I wasn't thinking straight!"
Cop: "I see. Have you been drinking, sir?"
Guy: "A couple of beers, but I'm not illogical!"
Cop: "Well, I should stop your thought process right now, but I'm going to give you a ticket for quick thinking."
Guy: "That's three points off my IQ!!!"
Cop: "And the fine is a penny for your thoughts."
Guy: "I'll get back into the flow of normal thought, officer."
Cop: "Uh huh, you go straight to your inevitable conclusion: it's foregone, you can't miss it."
Guy: "Yes."
Cop: "You understand?"
Guy: "Yes. Thank you very much officer."
Cop: "Okay, off with you...
"Kids! Too damn smart for their own good!"
The Grass Roots - Bella Linda. :D
"...if I could take away the pain that your eyes reveal..."
At the moment I am listening to my favorite Frantics bit called "You Were Speeding". Absolutely brilliant.
You Were Speeding!
Source: "You Were Speeding" by the Frantics © 1984 CBC radio from the album Frantic Times off the Dr Demento's 30th Anniversary Collection: Dementia 2000
http://flatrock.org.nz/topics/humour/stop_stopping_to_think.htm
Cop: "Excuse me sir, would you mind getting out of your train of thought?"
Guy: "Huh? What?"
Cop: "Where's the big idea sir?"
Guy: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I don't understand, I was thinking."
Cop: "Yeah, your mind was wandering all over the place. May I see your degree please?"
Guy: "Sure, here."
Cop: "Take it out of the frame."
Guy: "Sorry. It's a community college learner's permit."
Cop: "You need a BA to drive this idea home!"
Guy: "Oh, I... I must have been lateral thinking, and not realised it."
Cop: "Uh huh."
Guy: "See, I had to think fast to get around that mental block back there, and I didn't notice the limits."
Cop: "This degree has expired! I ought to throw the encyclopedia at you."
Guy: "Why? Is this a controlled thought zone?"
Cop: "Yes, it is, sir. See the sign?"
Guy: "School...
"I guess I was letting my thoughts wander all over the avenue of consideration."
Cop: "Uh huh, you almost collided with established dogma back at those presumptions."
Guy: "I wasn't thinking straight!"
Cop: "I see. Have you been drinking, sir?"
Guy: "A couple of beers, but I'm not illogical!"
Cop: "Well, I should stop your thought process right now, but I'm going to give you a ticket for quick thinking."
Guy: "That's three points off my IQ!!!"
Cop: "And the fine is a penny for your thoughts."
Guy: "I'll get back into the flow of normal thought, officer."
Cop: "Uh huh, you go straight to your inevitable conclusion: it's foregone, you can't miss it."
Guy: "Yes."
Cop: "You understand?"
Guy: "Yes. Thank you very much officer."
Cop: "Okay, off with you...
"Kids! Too damn smart for their own good!"
Impatience, insane girl, impatience...
You know, this is like waiting for a delayed flight. I have a destination, and I am all packed and ready to go, but instead...I am made to wait. And wait. And wait.
But, see here, I am ALL READY to go!! Look, I have a carry on and EVERYTHING!!! I dont want to have to spend $4.00 on a bottle of water!! I just want to get where I am going!!
Ok, fine. My flight is delayed three weeks you say? Fine.
What shall I do in the meantime? Any ideas? Thoughts? Coupons? Drinks? Free travel pillows? Pretzels? Self esteem packets? W. H. Smith you say?? Awesome...thanks alot.
Do you know how many airports I have been through? 17 to be exact. That's alot of baggage claims and taxi rides.
Ahhh, another classic Heather rambling post. Don't you just love it?
Should I put another pot of coffee on? its 4am now. Been up for about 2 1/2 hours. He should be heading to bed within the next couple of hours. Yay...even evil darkness has to sleep SOMETIMES.
Click, clickety, clickety, clickety, click. Type hun, type. Tell your slaves how precious they are to you. Tell these sad, lonely, lost, overweight, unattractive, mislead girls how you gave up a real life relationship for them. Tell them how you don't know the difference between lust and love. Tell them that their Master doesnt know how to balance a checkbook, or close a kitchen cupboard door for that matter.
Master needs a haircut. Master doesn't know who the Beatles are. Master can't pick up after himself. Master is prone to fits of depression and thinks he has it all figured out. Click, click, clickety click. Master can't spell. Master has a hard time concentrating on more than one thing at a time. Master has an emtremely short attention span when dealing with things of a non-sexual nature. Master likes Kool Aid and homemade cookies. Master can only drink 2% milk. Master tends to snore rather loudly. Master talks alot about things he knows nothing about. Master is a failure at just about everything he attempts. Master took true love and flushed it down the IMVU dungeon toilet. Master is alot of talk, and no action.
Master Metal Blade cannot see the dungeon for the slaves. Clever.
Coffee pot #2 in process...please wait.
Two hours and one pot of coffee later
3:24am. Here I sit, doing everything in my power to not be affected by this ridiculous situation. Talk about an elephant in the room.
Not a fan of being uncomfortable in my own home. I have no idea how the hell we plan on making it to April 20th. I hope its sooner. Much sooner.
Ahhh, Captain Wonderful just hit the 8 hr imvu mark. Way to go guy! I am impressed. And that's without food or a bathroom break. Nice. Maybe someday you will be able to give that sort of attention to a REAL PERSON. Not bloody likely.
I know my sarcasm and cynicism is peeking through all this crap, and I don't care. It is how I have always dealt with things.
Ok, what's up with the groaning over there?? Should I step outside for 5 minutes so you can blow your load?? Hmmm.....nahhh. I don't feel like moving.
That's right, readjust your seat over there pretty boy. It must be awfully annoying to wanna let loose, but can't. Do you hate me yet?
Funny, for a guy that claims to be a Master, he sure doesn't exhibit a whole lot of control over this particular situation. It's rather humorous.
Yay....three days off, and my period coming on with a vengance. Happy happy birthday, happy birthday cramps!
I think I need some E. Rhodes. Now.
Somebody made for me.....GOD PLEASE!!!!!
This song gives me warm fuzzies and INSTANT SMILE. It obliterates the darkness that surrounds my lovely ex - partner. He will never achieve this level of INSTANT SMILE.
Sunshine in a Box.
Chord progression on "Ask and you'll receive"......Can I marry you?
1:27 am
That is when I awoke out of a sound sleep and glanced over at Captain Wonderful and his Slut Brigade. He exudes some sort of constant snnoyance vibe that grinds my gears, because I am soooo tired of expending MY energy on him.
I used to lay awake at night wondering who the hell he was talking to all night, and why. Nowadays it all seems trite and too low brow for my standards.
I think as I got up at 1:45 am I exstinguished whatever hot and heavy fire he had lit with whomever he was talking to that prompted him to be touching himself in rather inappropriate places. Hence the reason I sat up in bed with such a start. I hate my intuition....loathe it even at times. I had specifically asked him to refrain from any sort of activity like that while I am home, asleep or not. Maybe a frying pan to the head would help it sink in better....
So, the other day while I was having that AWFUL Bertuccis meal, I considered the possibility of blogging that journal I had attempted to use with him. I think the story will tell itself.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Playing God
Ok, so as spring was fast approaching, I knew it was time to dig my grow light out of the closet and my seeds out of the freezer. Early last week I set up shop and started my annual ritual of seed starting.
Not too long ago I purchased a few packets from Rocky's Ace Hardware (you remember - where all those friends of mine work) and put them to the test.
Much to my surprise, these damned things germinated in less than 24 hours.
I was stymied, to say the least.
More tomorrow....
Not too long ago I purchased a few packets from Rocky's Ace Hardware (you remember - where all those friends of mine work) and put them to the test.
Much to my surprise, these damned things germinated in less than 24 hours.
I was stymied, to say the least.
More tomorrow....
Federal Reserve Bank Blues
In 1967 emerged a great sound from the West Michigan area. The sound was psychedelic, and the name of the band bringing you that sound was the Fredric.
"Phases and Faces" arrived yesterday, tossed over the front door of my building amongst various other parcels scattered down the stairs.
No song could have been more fitting for the afternoon ahead then "Federal Reserve Bank Blues". I wonder if those guys REALLY knew what that was all about.
The country is whithered and tired. It crawls up to that desert oasis of hope and prays that it is NOT merely a mirage, but a sign; a sign that change is in the air, and prosperity may once again touch our parched, blistered lips.
We need not be afraid of what's to come, as long as we remember that we too must have the ability to stand tall, head held high, and push our way through this current hell we all seem to be residing in.
"Phases and Faces" arrived yesterday, tossed over the front door of my building amongst various other parcels scattered down the stairs.
No song could have been more fitting for the afternoon ahead then "Federal Reserve Bank Blues". I wonder if those guys REALLY knew what that was all about.
The country is whithered and tired. It crawls up to that desert oasis of hope and prays that it is NOT merely a mirage, but a sign; a sign that change is in the air, and prosperity may once again touch our parched, blistered lips.
We need not be afraid of what's to come, as long as we remember that we too must have the ability to stand tall, head held high, and push our way through this current hell we all seem to be residing in.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Another night
DISCLAIMER-I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THIS POST...
...and with a start I wake up as his cell phone declares, "Hey!!! Check out my funky island beat!! How's that for a wake up call?" 3:30am, and his phone is ringing. Ehhh, does it matter anymore? No, not in the way that it once did. Now, instead of jealousy/hurt, it is just annoying/rude. What a charmer!
So, I had the worst meal at Bertuccis last night. I was seated at a table (ummm, no thanks) in the middle of a dining room full of families...I felt like I was the live entertainment judging by the position of my seat in proximity to everyone else. And to Mary, my waitress...a few tips: 1) Its really OK to allow someone to finishing chewing their food before rushing up and asking about the status of the meal. 2)No, I don't need you checking up on me every 5 minutes...don't worry, you will get your tip. 3) Hey, next time, try a little friendly conversation, and please refrain from "tossing" my food in front of me as if I am some cagged animal at the zoo. Hmmm, about that tip....
You know, a waiter/waitress can make or break a meal. I had no idea. Service IS everything.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
He plays a mean horn...
I owe my dentist 5.60. I am sure I have a filling worth a few bucks.
My cat has an affinity for ANYTHING left on the kitchen counter.
My other cat drools excessively.
I almost bought a new robe today, but decided the one I have now is just fine.
I am second in the Whole Foods North Atlantic region for sandwich sales. Nice.
How many people do you know that become apathetic and vapid??
What are those shooting pains on my head?
In nature, there is a cure for EVERY ailment.
The first blades of green grass are emerging through the ice and snow.
Why did Adult Swim take my anime away? Fiends....
Why do fewer and fewer people speak English?
I know a guy that has a friend that is a blind Wiccan missionary in South Africa. True story.
When will they start releasing "NOT So Greatest Hits" albums?
Alex Jones "Endgame". Check it out.
Today's soundtrack is "A Gift From a Flower to a Garden" - Donovan....and the Essential Miles Davis.
There are so many people I wish I could show the truth to. They choose not to see.
My primrose is dying ALREADY.
There is a GREAT joke about "blank Inside" cards by Brian Regan. "...I am sorry you are feeling so...blank inside." LOL
My cat has an affinity for ANYTHING left on the kitchen counter.
My other cat drools excessively.
I almost bought a new robe today, but decided the one I have now is just fine.
I am second in the Whole Foods North Atlantic region for sandwich sales. Nice.
How many people do you know that become apathetic and vapid??
What are those shooting pains on my head?
In nature, there is a cure for EVERY ailment.
The first blades of green grass are emerging through the ice and snow.
Why did Adult Swim take my anime away? Fiends....
Why do fewer and fewer people speak English?
I know a guy that has a friend that is a blind Wiccan missionary in South Africa. True story.
When will they start releasing "NOT So Greatest Hits" albums?
Alex Jones "Endgame". Check it out.
Today's soundtrack is "A Gift From a Flower to a Garden" - Donovan....and the Essential Miles Davis.
There are so many people I wish I could show the truth to. They choose not to see.
My primrose is dying ALREADY.
There is a GREAT joke about "blank Inside" cards by Brian Regan. "...I am sorry you are feeling so...blank inside." LOL
Birthday greetings and a coupon
So, yesterday after running around outside trying to clear my head for the umpteenth time, I sauntered over to the mailbox in the lobby to pick up my mail. As I walked into my apt, I tossed the mail onto my desk, amidst the rapidly growing pile of unopened letters, bills, and cards from home.
This morning I actually got up on time - so I sat down to have that badly needed first cup of coffee. I decided to rummage through my mail. I saw I had received my first birthday card. yay.
It's from the local Ace hardware store. "...Happy Birthday Heather Stockham and/or current resident. Please enjoy this coupon worth $5.00 off your next purchase of $20 or more from your 'friends' at Rocky's Ace hardware...."
Wow. I am touched, let alone impressed. I didn't even know I had friends that worked at the hardware store. And they all got together and sent me a card?? Wow. thanks guys. Maybe we should all get together and talk about old times that we never had, or imaginary outings that never took place.
I know where I am going for the paint to redo my apt after my roommate leaves. THANKS ROCKY'S! You shouldn't have. Really.
This morning I actually got up on time - so I sat down to have that badly needed first cup of coffee. I decided to rummage through my mail. I saw I had received my first birthday card. yay.
It's from the local Ace hardware store. "...Happy Birthday Heather Stockham and/or current resident. Please enjoy this coupon worth $5.00 off your next purchase of $20 or more from your 'friends' at Rocky's Ace hardware...."
Wow. I am touched, let alone impressed. I didn't even know I had friends that worked at the hardware store. And they all got together and sent me a card?? Wow. thanks guys. Maybe we should all get together and talk about old times that we never had, or imaginary outings that never took place.
I know where I am going for the paint to redo my apt after my roommate leaves. THANKS ROCKY'S! You shouldn't have. Really.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
And the beat goes on....
...or so says Sonny and Cher. The only beat going on right now is the beating of my head against the wall for not seeing this one coming.
I had all the warning signs. I had all the instructions. I HAD A MAP. I should have used it.
I have chalked this up as a learning experience. Albeit a very painful drawn out one.
Communication. Communication. Communication.
I had all the warning signs. I had all the instructions. I HAD A MAP. I should have used it.
I have chalked this up as a learning experience. Albeit a very painful drawn out one.
Communication. Communication. Communication.
Painful...oh so painful
I do not know how much longer I can endure this torture here at home. He loved me once...and now every time I look at him I want to cry. It is all so confusing and I am talking in circles. Blah blah she says. Blah blah. I dont think this will ever get any better, but i know deep down that it will. I am not worried about the future persay - more just uncertain of whats to come, and I find that very frightening.
Such a tangled web we weave. It becomes quite complicated at times, we forget where it begins and where it ends. There is no clear way in or out. We just keep running in circles - getting dizzy and wondering why.
Today, I went to the park. I was miserable and ready to scream. I wandered over to a swing and sat down. I sat still for a moment and then slowly began to swing back and forth. The feeling of being young and free again overcame my senses, and in the unseasonably warm spring evening air I felt at peace and centered for the first time in a long time.
It did my heart good to just sit and feel peaceful.
Such a tangled web we weave. It becomes quite complicated at times, we forget where it begins and where it ends. There is no clear way in or out. We just keep running in circles - getting dizzy and wondering why.
Today, I went to the park. I was miserable and ready to scream. I wandered over to a swing and sat down. I sat still for a moment and then slowly began to swing back and forth. The feeling of being young and free again overcame my senses, and in the unseasonably warm spring evening air I felt at peace and centered for the first time in a long time.
It did my heart good to just sit and feel peaceful.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Nope not today...
I don't feel much like writing today. I would much rather go lie under a tree in the park and dream happy dreams of warm summer garden parties and lazy nights involving marshmallows and Mad Libs. It would be a nice change from the current state of affairs I am involved in.
Wordless and Musicless
This morning I am at a loss for words. Yeah, insane, isn't it? No vivid nightmares last night. But confusion is still the order of the day.
I feel like a bird, who's circling and circling trying to decide just the right place to land. My emotions are rather hazy and undefined as of late. "I have never felt such a strange feeling of pity - and indigestion." -(Mr. Krabs)
This morning I am driving myself to work. I refuse to lay down and tolerate the fear that wants so badly to wash over me. I drove around the parking lot for quite a while yesterday alone, parking, backing up, shifting etc. I see now I do much better when alone. Ha - I just realized that is the first time I had driven alone! That's awesome.
Today's mood is scattered and calm, which a slight chance of peace of mind later on in the day.
My reality lines are not hazy though. I see things for what they really are. Even though at times I choose to ignore a lot of it; unfortunately my intuitiveness gets the better of me.
This is sure turning out to be a strange year. I would like to say I have a feeling I know whats gonna happen, but the truth is, I have no clue. It is like some highly anticipated mini-series....how will it end??? What's next?
I feel like a bird, who's circling and circling trying to decide just the right place to land. My emotions are rather hazy and undefined as of late. "I have never felt such a strange feeling of pity - and indigestion." -(Mr. Krabs)
This morning I am driving myself to work. I refuse to lay down and tolerate the fear that wants so badly to wash over me. I drove around the parking lot for quite a while yesterday alone, parking, backing up, shifting etc. I see now I do much better when alone. Ha - I just realized that is the first time I had driven alone! That's awesome.
Today's mood is scattered and calm, which a slight chance of peace of mind later on in the day.
My reality lines are not hazy though. I see things for what they really are. Even though at times I choose to ignore a lot of it; unfortunately my intuitiveness gets the better of me.
This is sure turning out to be a strange year. I would like to say I have a feeling I know whats gonna happen, but the truth is, I have no clue. It is like some highly anticipated mini-series....how will it end??? What's next?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sad Cafe
There is something happening in the world at this moment - I can feel it.
A torrent of change and revelation sweeps through the trees. Nothing is unfamiliar, but everything is different. Old tunes sung by new voices, swirling down the vast canyon called revolution.
Humanity is slowly waking from its age long slumber.
A torrent of change and revelation sweeps through the trees. Nothing is unfamiliar, but everything is different. Old tunes sung by new voices, swirling down the vast canyon called revolution.
Humanity is slowly waking from its age long slumber.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter Morning
Just killing time before work. Just wondering about alot of things.
The most bizarre dream crept into my psyche last night and laid down next to me. In this dream, I was driving a very beat up old car....and in this dream I was determined to master it. Suddenly the dream shifts to me and and I riddled with fungus. Up my spine and down my scalp runs this line of mushrooms that are attached quite stubbornly and it really freaks me out. Gary is also covered in these shrooms, and I am disgusted by it. Then, somehow, I rid myself of the fungus, but Gary cannot. Pick THAT dream apart why don't ya????
Work calls....stay tuned.
The most bizarre dream crept into my psyche last night and laid down next to me. In this dream, I was driving a very beat up old car....and in this dream I was determined to master it. Suddenly the dream shifts to me and and I riddled with fungus. Up my spine and down my scalp runs this line of mushrooms that are attached quite stubbornly and it really freaks me out. Gary is also covered in these shrooms, and I am disgusted by it. Then, somehow, I rid myself of the fungus, but Gary cannot. Pick THAT dream apart why don't ya????
Work calls....stay tuned.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Sleepy time
Somewhere throughout the course of the day, I attained some strange peace of mind. I think I am gonna run with it and lay down. I am in love. I am in hope. I am in control. I am going to bed.
Just have to laugh....
I compromised my dreams, and I wasn't even aware that I even HAD any until I saw the future picture and realized that it in no way matched up with my vision. I settled for what came my way because I had a hard time believing that any better would come along. I know I am supposed to be learning something here, and I just want to make sure I don't miss a beat, because I will be damned if I am going to go through this one more time!
This whole ugly scene has brought me to write, and write I have!! More now than ever, I finally let the monster out to play. Been locked up since I was 19 and knew I was a writer. I just decided that was the facts.
Then people entered my life that were not all that sober nor intelligent.
EMITT RHODES SOMEBODY MADE FOR ME HEAVY SIGH
Don't misunderstand - life is not all about relationships. You have to go out and live and shape the person you are in order to bring something to that relationship table once you find one. Finding out who you are is half the battle! Sometimes the road is dark and lonely, and sometimes you might wander off the path, and take what you think it a groovy detour, only to find it leads to a rocky ledge, or a hazardous cliff. When this happens, merely turn around and head back to the beginning. Back to that starting point.
So many times I have wanted to give up on love all together; to just turn my emotions off and lock my heart up in a glass box and bury it in chains. But to do that would be impossible. I have a need to love and be loved. Only now I realize that it has to be the right person.
You must have criteria. It is an absolute must. Settling will only bring major heartache in the end. Trust me.
We all come with our own set of baggage. No one is spared that inevitability.
I look over at the man that broke my heart. Beautiful but sad, loving but lost...he doesn't stand a chance at any sort of happiness. Just one disappointment after another. I can see it all so clearly now. Somewhere along the road he lost his way. Instead of heading back to the beginning, he pitched a tent and awaited rescue. I looked for you, love, but just couldn't find you. I searched my heart, and everywhere else, but you eluded me. Now he walks a tragic road full of disappointment and despair. He will never truly know who he is. I have nothing but pure love for this lost soul.
Lord, watch over this man. Keep him safe and protect his heart. I hand him back to you. Open his eyes to all thats right with the world, instead of everything thats wrong. Guide him in his travels, and bring him back to the beginning. Please.
This whole ugly scene has brought me to write, and write I have!! More now than ever, I finally let the monster out to play. Been locked up since I was 19 and knew I was a writer. I just decided that was the facts.
Then people entered my life that were not all that sober nor intelligent.
EMITT RHODES SOMEBODY MADE FOR ME HEAVY SIGH
Don't misunderstand - life is not all about relationships. You have to go out and live and shape the person you are in order to bring something to that relationship table once you find one. Finding out who you are is half the battle! Sometimes the road is dark and lonely, and sometimes you might wander off the path, and take what you think it a groovy detour, only to find it leads to a rocky ledge, or a hazardous cliff. When this happens, merely turn around and head back to the beginning. Back to that starting point.
So many times I have wanted to give up on love all together; to just turn my emotions off and lock my heart up in a glass box and bury it in chains. But to do that would be impossible. I have a need to love and be loved. Only now I realize that it has to be the right person.
You must have criteria. It is an absolute must. Settling will only bring major heartache in the end. Trust me.
We all come with our own set of baggage. No one is spared that inevitability.
I look over at the man that broke my heart. Beautiful but sad, loving but lost...he doesn't stand a chance at any sort of happiness. Just one disappointment after another. I can see it all so clearly now. Somewhere along the road he lost his way. Instead of heading back to the beginning, he pitched a tent and awaited rescue. I looked for you, love, but just couldn't find you. I searched my heart, and everywhere else, but you eluded me. Now he walks a tragic road full of disappointment and despair. He will never truly know who he is. I have nothing but pure love for this lost soul.
Lord, watch over this man. Keep him safe and protect his heart. I hand him back to you. Open his eyes to all thats right with the world, instead of everything thats wrong. Guide him in his travels, and bring him back to the beginning. Please.
WARNING: May cause drowsiness
*yawn* I take a prescription at night to sleep. I chuckle at this, considering I have NEVER had any trouble sleeping, no matter what was going on.
My garbage disposal just died. I think I killed it. I smelled something burning...probably the motor. Or was it my brain? But then, what is my brain doing in the garbage disposal? Oh wait...there is something else jammed in there too! Hold on...wait for it....ah HA! Just as I thought - my hopes and dreams along with any future happiness and chances at success! Nasty little buggers, getting all wedged in there like that!
My garbage disposal just died. I think I killed it. I smelled something burning...probably the motor. Or was it my brain? But then, what is my brain doing in the garbage disposal? Oh wait...there is something else jammed in there too! Hold on...wait for it....ah HA! Just as I thought - my hopes and dreams along with any future happiness and chances at success! Nasty little buggers, getting all wedged in there like that!
Tumbling through leaves as I scatter the seeds....
Spring. Seeds. Love. Pain. Regret. Heartache. Remorse. Grief. Joy. Bliss. Insomnia. Jealousy. Triumph. Confusion. Love. Mellotron. Agony. Escape. Frustration. The Pretty Things. Hell. Peace. Calm.
Nervous Tension Fit
What the hell??? Every nerve in my body is on fire. I am home, alone, and trying to enjoy a well deserved day off. There is some sort of anxiety coarsing through my veins. It is a beautiful day outside and I should be extremely pleased with it, and the fact I have some quiet time alone. But I'm not. I am on edge in the worse way, and right now I figured writing was my best escape.
I made my mom's butterscotch cookies today. I can't bring myself to try one, but according to Gary, my mom would sure be proud. Regardless, I think she was always proud anyway. I have always stood up for myself, even in the worst of situations.
I wish I could just go to sleep, but I am so not tired. Yesterday I actually got some sleep, alot as a matter of fact.
I feel as if I NEED to throw myself into something; something to take my mind off of all that is happening. Where is the peace I seek to find???
Is this the beginning of a slow moving nervous breakdown? Nay, I say. I will not be a victim of circumstance.
Maybe if I just go throw up I will feel better. There is a nagging upset in my tummy that is screaming to be remedied. Maybe it was too much coffee, I really don't know.
I made my mom's butterscotch cookies today. I can't bring myself to try one, but according to Gary, my mom would sure be proud. Regardless, I think she was always proud anyway. I have always stood up for myself, even in the worst of situations.
I wish I could just go to sleep, but I am so not tired. Yesterday I actually got some sleep, alot as a matter of fact.
I feel as if I NEED to throw myself into something; something to take my mind off of all that is happening. Where is the peace I seek to find???
Is this the beginning of a slow moving nervous breakdown? Nay, I say. I will not be a victim of circumstance.
Maybe if I just go throw up I will feel better. There is a nagging upset in my tummy that is screaming to be remedied. Maybe it was too much coffee, I really don't know.
Obama and my Best Friend John
Ok, so I get a complaint theother day from my better half that there has not been ONE mention of his name in my entire blog. Okay, I say, you're right, stay tuned.
Hi John. Love ya buddy.
Ok, now moving on.
John and I sat and watched the Obama historical race speech the other night on youtube.com. I cannot remember the last time a POLITICAL SPEECH made me actually tihnk that this guy just might pull it off. That there might actually be a glimpse of hope for the future of this country. And I am not even a Democrat (anymore). Something about the frankness of his words, and the non-robotic delivery made me realize this guy is for real. I definitely need to do a little reading up on who he is, and what he stands for. Thank you, John, for sharing that with me.
I would also like to thank John for a few other things to be listed below, in no real order:
Thank you for the countless hours you have spent consoling me, the dozens upon dozens of bugs bunny and popeye cartoons we've shared, the rare Kinks singles....Apples in Stereo, Emitt Rhodes (TY SO MUCH!!), Roy Wood, The Pretty Things (how could I go on without BARON SATURDAY???), Mst3k ( you SO ROCK!), all the times you understood what I was saying even when I didn't, for your ability to see things as they really are and explain it to me in a way no one else can, for accepting for who I am, faults and all, and knowing the real Heather.
Thank you for letting me into YOUR world, allowing me to see what sort of person you are, as a husband, a father, and a friend. Thank you for letting me chat with the girls, as their laughter and happiness was all I needed sometimes. Thank you for getting me and all my jokes. Thanks for being intelligent and intuitive!!! There is so much more, but now is not the time.
Thank you for finding me, John.
Hi John. Love ya buddy.
Ok, now moving on.
John and I sat and watched the Obama historical race speech the other night on youtube.com. I cannot remember the last time a POLITICAL SPEECH made me actually tihnk that this guy just might pull it off. That there might actually be a glimpse of hope for the future of this country. And I am not even a Democrat (anymore). Something about the frankness of his words, and the non-robotic delivery made me realize this guy is for real. I definitely need to do a little reading up on who he is, and what he stands for. Thank you, John, for sharing that with me.
I would also like to thank John for a few other things to be listed below, in no real order:
Thank you for the countless hours you have spent consoling me, the dozens upon dozens of bugs bunny and popeye cartoons we've shared, the rare Kinks singles....Apples in Stereo, Emitt Rhodes (TY SO MUCH!!), Roy Wood, The Pretty Things (how could I go on without BARON SATURDAY???), Mst3k ( you SO ROCK!), all the times you understood what I was saying even when I didn't, for your ability to see things as they really are and explain it to me in a way no one else can, for accepting for who I am, faults and all, and knowing the real Heather.
Thank you for letting me into YOUR world, allowing me to see what sort of person you are, as a husband, a father, and a friend. Thank you for letting me chat with the girls, as their laughter and happiness was all I needed sometimes. Thank you for getting me and all my jokes. Thanks for being intelligent and intuitive!!! There is so much more, but now is not the time.
Thank you for finding me, John.
Cookies and Milk
To me, one of the greatest joys in life is to wake up in the wee hours of the morning, turn on my coffee pot, and gaze out the window at the passing traffic on Sutton St while sitting at my kitchen table. There is something so serene amnd peaceful about early morning coffee that I couldn't imagine life without it.
I believe it first started in Reno, where at the time, my fiancee and I had purchased a small home near the Peppermill. My kitchan was huge! Half of it was glass sliding doors. My fiancee, being a house painter, amd a mighty fine good one, I will give him that, had painted my kitchen this cheery, non-obnoxious shade of yellow. The cabinets were covered with glass display doors, and my oven was built into the wall. I may have cursed the fiancee, and the house for that matter, later on down the line, but that kitchen never did me no wrong no how.
I am so thankful to have these little joys in life. I am also very thankful for the last 9 months that I spent with my currently-exiting boyfriend. Although we both knew deep down this would never pan out, we genuinely had strong feelings for one another. I tear up as I write this, because my feelings for him are very real, even though he will be gone to California within a matter of weeks. It is all I can do not to reminisce about the past year....all the trips, all the late night pizza runs...all the early morning love making. I am almost positive that my period is on its way...this all hurts a tad more than usual.
Last night we hugged, and it felt wonderful. Not in a sexual wayt, but in a pure "I still love you" sort of way. He backed off and said, "I had better stop, I am starting to like it." When will this nightmare end? I implore you, when?
I believe it first started in Reno, where at the time, my fiancee and I had purchased a small home near the Peppermill. My kitchan was huge! Half of it was glass sliding doors. My fiancee, being a house painter, amd a mighty fine good one, I will give him that, had painted my kitchen this cheery, non-obnoxious shade of yellow. The cabinets were covered with glass display doors, and my oven was built into the wall. I may have cursed the fiancee, and the house for that matter, later on down the line, but that kitchen never did me no wrong no how.
I am so thankful to have these little joys in life. I am also very thankful for the last 9 months that I spent with my currently-exiting boyfriend. Although we both knew deep down this would never pan out, we genuinely had strong feelings for one another. I tear up as I write this, because my feelings for him are very real, even though he will be gone to California within a matter of weeks. It is all I can do not to reminisce about the past year....all the trips, all the late night pizza runs...all the early morning love making. I am almost positive that my period is on its way...this all hurts a tad more than usual.
Last night we hugged, and it felt wonderful. Not in a sexual wayt, but in a pure "I still love you" sort of way. He backed off and said, "I had better stop, I am starting to like it." When will this nightmare end? I implore you, when?
Friday, March 21, 2008
4:02 AM
Funny, I always seem to blog around the same time in the morning. This girl rarely sleeps. Of course it isnt my own space right now. So things are very on edge.
Eating and sleeping are highly overrated.
I should have lost alot more weight than I have, and I find it rather annoying.
Stupid coffee.
I am tired too.
Eating and sleeping are highly overrated.
I should have lost alot more weight than I have, and I find it rather annoying.
Stupid coffee.
I am tired too.
Rudyard Kipling
Oy vey, it really is time to chane the subject, isn't it?
So, the other day I stumbled across the poem "If" by Kipling. If anything speaks volumes at this point in history, it does. It goes like this:
If - R. Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
Wow.
So, the other day I stumbled across the poem "If" by Kipling. If anything speaks volumes at this point in history, it does. It goes like this:
If - R. Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!
Wow.
Officer Smart - NAPD
This morning at 2:12 am I received a knock on my door. It was the North Andover police dept asking me if I knew a Mr. Alexander and were we having a domestic dispute. Ok......
This, mind you, after being jarred out of a fairly decent sleep, thanks to our old pal trazodone...
I realized mr. alexander was NOT in my apt, and my keys were gone. He was UP THE ROAD (monty python ref yay) and on the phone. Police spotted him i guess and began questioning him.
You know, this whole thing leaves me feeling even more nauseous. Enough. Why drag this out. He says they say I said to pack his things and get out. I say, no, this was misunderstood and I will NOT let him try to turn it around so that I am the one to blame.
I told him I refused to replay the same events of two years ago. But yes, he needed to go asap.
The more money he spends...the longer he stays. I don't want that. I just want my life back.
I told him just about everyone at work told me to kick him out. I said I refused bc that was not the sort of person I am. I then proceeded to relay to mr. alexander that I only hope that later on, down the road, he truly realizes how much I did for him, and how much i foolishly cared. "Understand", I said, "that I am only showing you the same courtesy that I would expect from someone else. Do unto others...."
He has to learn this lesson! I have a guilt free conscience - finally.
This, mind you, after being jarred out of a fairly decent sleep, thanks to our old pal trazodone...
I realized mr. alexander was NOT in my apt, and my keys were gone. He was UP THE ROAD (monty python ref yay) and on the phone. Police spotted him i guess and began questioning him.
You know, this whole thing leaves me feeling even more nauseous. Enough. Why drag this out. He says they say I said to pack his things and get out. I say, no, this was misunderstood and I will NOT let him try to turn it around so that I am the one to blame.
I told him I refused to replay the same events of two years ago. But yes, he needed to go asap.
The more money he spends...the longer he stays. I don't want that. I just want my life back.
I told him just about everyone at work told me to kick him out. I said I refused bc that was not the sort of person I am. I then proceeded to relay to mr. alexander that I only hope that later on, down the road, he truly realizes how much I did for him, and how much i foolishly cared. "Understand", I said, "that I am only showing you the same courtesy that I would expect from someone else. Do unto others...."
He has to learn this lesson! I have a guilt free conscience - finally.
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